I haven’t been harassed by that bipolar chic with schizophrenic tendencies, so I have a lot more time to google (and be happy) . I have decided to share with the world, what I’m googling!
Stop by and check it out, if you’d like š
And my first googley-moogley blog š
Thanks for stopping by!
And who’s Matt? š
As I have stated before, I have a lot to be thankful for.
It is rough this Christmas, though.
The court orders have made it so that I wonāt get to spend time with my older daughters and my parents. My parents were put into a position where it was either with me, or my girls. My parents chose the girls. I have never, really, been close to my family, as I was adopted. I am not accustomed to this scenario.
My ex-husband is and has done everything to eliminate me out of my daughters lives, and he has been pretty successful. What’s hard though is before my wreck, I had full-custody of them (and didn’t even realize). I got along with their dad (as long as I told him what he wanted to hear). He, unfortunately, is very manipulative, and he’s fashioning my daughters in that direction. He is doing EVERYTHING he can to fight the judges order for therapy between my daughters and I. I want therapy. I want things to get better, he doesn’t. I have no idea what I can do to get things on the right path. I feel as though everything I do is wrong. I will keep praying.
My youngest daughter’s father is somewhat mature and reasonable. There has been an increasing number of people affiliated with his circle that have been going out of their way to harass me. I donāt know what I can do to avoid this. I donāt want to get off of Facebook. Iām debating getting a new phone number just so these people will not be able to contact me. Between the multiple fake fb accounts and random numbers messaging me, they are driving me to mental exhaustion. Again, I will need to pray for guidance.
I’m so very thankful for a great church with many of the members to call family, and I have some other great friends I can really depend on.
I know this blog isn’t going to help things, but I’m just frustrated that I seem to be the only one that wants things to get better. My family (Denise, namely) possesses the mentality to block what you don’t like, to be happy. I can’t do that because every time I block people, they just create a new fake account.
I will keep praying for my daughters and my exes.
I just have to appreciate my family: Alyssa, baby boy (due 5/2019), and my close friends/church family.
Thanks for stopping by
Scriptures to look at
John 8:7
When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, āLet any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.āĀ
Luke 6:35
But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.Ā
James 4:11-12
Romans 2:1
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.
Romans 12:16-18
1 Corinthians 6:1-6
1 John 2:9
Those who say that they are in the light butĀ hate other believers are still in the dark.
Matthew 5:11
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.
Revelation 21:8
But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.
Despite peopleās efforts to message mean derogatory things, I need to keep my head up. Yes it hurts me and I have lashed out, but I have to set a good example for Alyssa.
As easy as it is to resort to childish games, and pregnancy hormones kicking it in making it even easier, I need to reflect on what Iāve done and go a different path.
My youngest and I, like to keep our time together about us. When we are together, I am working on saying positive things about the people in her life. I canāt say that Iāve always abided by that philosophy, but Iām human. Iāve gotten very mean and disturbing texts. Cyber bullying is a very serious and scary thing that people deal with on a daily basis. I would hate it if anybodiesā children received the messages that I have. My hormones did not lead to react the way I should have. As an adult, I need to just delete, and move on. I shouldnāt partake and fall into the trap.
My youngest needs to learn that it isnāt okay to call people names. As much as I dislike certain individuals, and I know the feeling is mutual, I need to keep things civil and respectful. I know we are never going to get along. My daughter takes after me in so many ways, that I need to always remember to show kindness, even if itās super difficult for me to do. There some steps that I need to take to make sure she only knows kindness. I donāt want her to pick up negativity.
Somethings in my household just donāt need to be talked about. When people give mommy bad juju, it affects everyone around her. Alyssa and I will remain steadfast in focusing on the relationship that we are building, and when we are together, we will only focus on what we can do to spread kindness and happiness, despite otherās intentions to troll me and get me worked up.
I implemented a new rule today, certain names are not to be mentioned. It was not received well by her dad.
Thank you for reading and feedback is appreciated!
12/14/2018 update sent to Stephanie from a friend: 
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Iām thankful for the friends I have. I had many friends that invited me to share thanksgiving with them (and their family, if applicable) today, and I chose to stay with my dear friends and their daughter, out of town. I had the opportunity to work, and I chose not to, because spending time with those dear to my heart was more important than the almighty dollar. I chose not to take advantage of economical savings (black Friday deals) for that reason. Unfortunately, some in my daughterās life do not share that same view. I pray that my daughters know that family is most important, and their mother has learned where her priorities are.
One word: nom. And thankfulness. And friends. And love. Ok a lot of words…
I also pray for forgiveness toward the fathers of my daughters. I say I have forgiven them often, but unfortunately, I have not. They have caused irreparable damage for many people, including those dear to my heart. It’s not that I harbor hatred for them, it’s more bitterness and confusion because of the manipulative things they have done to me, and those I hold dear– including my daughters. I’m not confident I will ever respect them, but I do not want to harbor hate… even harboring bitterness, alone, would be a strong improvement.
Unfortunately, they counteract what they say and project, consistently, and by them doing that, it makes me feel more of a negative indifference toward them. I simply wish theyād stop fighting/being so negative towards me to make it easier on everyone, but after all this time… all these years… they still continue. What couldāve been smooth and easy, was thrown away. We, all, donāt have to like each other to be fair and raise our children, but by trying to cut the other parent off completely and refusing any extra time with them (ie major holidays) will only farther hurt the children, and unfortunately, justify my judgment.
I’m blessed with the ability to create my own schedule, and for many years, I put that schedule ahead of my family. Unfortunately, I was very materialistic. I did not feel appreciated at home- I tried to fill the void in our marriage with stuff. We may have looked like a ‘picture perfect’ family, but I was consumed with depression and I didn’t handle it well. We, both, put on a very convincing act toward the world… and each other. The reason I got married was not justifiable from a rational standpoint. I was barely 20 and had a personality disorder that prevented me from making rational choices. I had a baby with a boy= so I had to create the dreams I wanted with that boy to have my dream family š«š¤¦āāļø. Black or white mentality. Him or no family. I remember sobbing hysterically to my ex-sister-in-law the morning of my wedding in the spare bedroom of my parents home. I’ll never forget. It was summed-up as pre-marital jitters. I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. After our marriage, we did become ‘best-friends‘, but we never really had an emotional or physical connection, which lead to being unfaithful with each other. We still looked like ‘a perfect family’. After about a decade, I divorced him with the opportunity to have another husband/dream life, which was a horrific mistake. I was escaping an abdominal situation for an abhorrent path. Live and learn, they say.
A majority of my life, I was trying to create something that shouldn’t have needed to be created. It should have occurred genuinely.
Skip to shortly before therapy- I almost lost my life and woke-up from a coma very depressed. My ex-husband sat by my side, waiting for me to die. Of course, he put on a good act of looking concerned. Let’s face it: he wouldn’t have did a complete 180 degree turn in a couple weeks from being concerned, to putting an outright atrocious war. He put on that same ‘fake-personality’ act a majority of our marriage, until I found out he had lost his job for committing a sexual-act with a minor employee. Dumbfounded. He also hid a drug-addiction, for years, that he confessed to while drunk with my daughters asleep in his home. All the ajax in the world won’t clean our dirty laundry.
After being rejected by him once I was discharged from rehabilitation, I became consumed with trying to please a random guy. Because of my personality disorder, I assumed I could create a perfect family. Almost like a toddler, I said “mommy, daddy, baby… family”… False. We had different paths. I lied to him on multiple occasions to please him. Once I started going to therapy, things ended abruptly with he and I. My youngest daughter was born of that disaster. ā¤ļø
Looking back- I would not have changed a thing.
My life would be dramatically different if I had received proper therapy in my adolescence, but I would not be blessed with my beautiful daughters.
So, in closing, I’m thankful for the woman I have become. I am perfectly content with the person I am today. More than likely, if you don’t like me, you haven’t had a civil conversation with me in quite a while/if ever, or you’re not a respectable person, yourself š. Or any friends/family of such people. If you don’t like me, it really doesn’t matter a whole lot, because as my daughters pointed out the other night, God is the only person I have to please, and myself.
Wow, this was a lot longer than I expected. Thanks for bearing with me!!
So my oldest daughter asked me if I ever loved her dad. Well, let me start from the beginning. I was a 17-year old server he, as a manager, took into the office and seduced, and later introduced me to marijuana before taking my virginity. I later found out he was married. He was pretty dependent on drugs and alcohol (which he would give to our Yorkshire terrier, Lucy, that ended her life). I was leaving him when he got me pregnant, with our oldest. I started attending the ‘church’ that I previously mentioned, New Hope, which told me that unless I got married, I was going to burn in Hell, so being a scared 20 year-old afraid of going to hell, I married him. I will never forget crying to my sister-in-law-to-be the morning of the wedding saying that I didn’t want to. It was summed up as premarital jitters, but I honestly despised him and his family. Over the course of time, we became “best friends”, never lovers, and lived a happy life as such, or so I had thought, until he was terminated from his job as general manager of Denny’s Diner due to being sexually inappropriate with underage servers. Imagine that. We remained friends, as if nothing had changed, until my accident. He had sat by my side EVERY DAY while I was in a coma, and when I had somewhat recovered, I was very depressed and wanted a family, again. He didn’t want to leave his 22(?) year old (previous employee) girlfriend and I didn’t take the rejection well. He then filed for custody of my older daughters, which outside of a month or so, I had residential custody of.
I get to see them 1 hour a week, and they have pretty much sided with their dad on all of the turmoil we have been through. I am gradually accepting they don’t want me in their life.
What bothers me, is my youngest, which is no relation to him, gets to spend so much time with him and his mother. They both HATE ME and that’s not an environment I want my daughter in. She talks about the two of them, more than her dad and his girlfriend. I’m thankful she gets to spend so much time with her sisters, but it’s probably confusing to her as to why she rarely sees us together. I regret ever going on a date with him. Everything I acquired since I have met him, is gone. He has taken my oldest daughters from me, he has shattered every good memory, all I can do is try to forget the hell he has put me through since the day we met. The good memories are going out, as well. I will never “forget” my older 2 daughters, but I’m learning to live without them. It’s not fair, but I’m creating a new life with new memories with my daughter and the child I’m expecting.
I answered my daughter by reiterating that when I was depressed after my wreck, I was post-diagnosed with a personality disorder, one I had unknowingly most of my life, that caused me to try to create what i wanted in life: marriage will give me eternal salvation, I can make a family with a guy and kids, etc. No. the woman I am after being released from therapy realizes I never loved him. In fact, I couldn’t stand him. I actually filed for divorce 3 times before I actually followed through, but my personality disorder told me not to think about those thoughts and pursue the “happy family” mentality. I actually had to become engaged to another guy to divorce him because I was mentally weak and was focused on “guy/girl/kids/dog=family”.
I will always love my older daughters, but I have to respect they side with their dad. They don’t need a mom, because their dad and grandma fill my shoes. They don’t want me in their life, or they could make it happen. I was told they told the judge they don’t want me in their life.
There are 3 sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth. Unfortunately, their dad and their grandmother are gasoline to the fire of my destruction…. but they are christians. Interesting.
Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.
The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.
Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.
The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.
The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.
Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance
It defines who you are.
So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. š I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.
I love the routine I have with my youngest, Princess Peach/Pipsqueak
We spend most of our days drawing and giggling, doing random and scheduled activities, and hanging out with her friends and their parents. It makes me sad we don’t hang out with her sister-from-another-mister Tegan and her brother-from-another-mother Boo (Malakai) as much as weād like to. They both hold the position as BFF’s. Their parents have a 3-way tie with BFF with her Momma. š
I think we are going to COSI tomorrow… haven’t decided. I’ll ask her in the morning. I have a feeling her answer will be yes. š¤·āāļø
We went to art camp at the local museum. We couldn’t do all of the days (not saying why, but you can take a guess… š¤¦āāļø) but they days we did go were quite entertaining.
We go see Mammaw and Pappaw to bug them quite often š My parents are such good grandparents and I know for a fact (at least) Alyssa loves having them as grandparents very much.
We go to church on Sunday morning. We go a little early to have a snack in the HeBrews cafe. Alyssa has fruit and hard-boiled eggies š„ and I have… coffee āļø. You guessed it.
We have been continuing to work on sign-language and I’m very proud of how well she is doing.
I will never forget 2 dates: May 2, 2016 at 1:10am (her birth) and April 4, 2018 at 11:24am (the first day of her new life)!
I’m so excited that I have got to spend more time with my youngest, but it doesn’t repair the fact that I am completely alienated from my older two daughters.
I would love to take them to the zoo, I would love to take them to COSI, I would love to take them to a waterpark, recreational park, hiking, swimming, gym, I would love to do anything with the three of them together.
It is been brought to my attention that they are not interested in having more time with me. Their father filed a motion asking to cease the one hour I get a week with them, because that’s what they want.
I find that hard to believe because I enjoy and love the time with my daughters so much. Do they really hate me? Have I really been that bad of a mom? Their paternal family has almost completely alienated them from their maternal family, myself included, so why would they want a mom? Their lives are completely fine without one, or so they are led to believe.
I’m heartbroken because I have lost so much time with my daughters and they have moved on without me... I’m out of their lives. There’s no reparation that they are interested in. There’s nothing I can do to show them I’m not the monster they believe I am. There’s nothing I can do to show them I have loved them since before they were born. I have done everything I could to provide them with a happy future, but they have moved on without me. I was never perfect, and I made mistakes. I’m sorry for the mistakes that I have made.
There are no second chances with them, and I’m heartbroken.
I am trying to raise money for psychological evaluations… I need help. I simply don’t have the funds. I want to be able to go to therapy with my daughters to be the mom they need, but I’m so alienated, I don’t even know what that is.
I guess I should focus on my youngest and wait for my older daughters to decide if they want a mother.
Sorry for the heartbroken blog, but I have realized I failed at being a mother, twice, but I won’t fail with Alyssa. Maybe I will meet my Prince Charming and have the family I’ve always dreamed of, but for now it’s just Alyssa and I.
Thank you for stopping and come again soon.
Ok… so 3 things I have in common with all 3 of my daughters are part of the title…
I have had the opportunity to spend some incredible time with my youngest. At 11:24am on April 4, 2018 my life was miraculously changed. I will remember that time and day along the lines of the birth of a child… my phone rang and I was told news that would change my life, and it did.
I have a newer, more sparkly way of looking at life. I feel immortal and whimsical, but just like Mario, I have to keep and eye out for King Koopa, who is always kidnapping Princess Peach. The difference between my life and the Mushroom Kingdom is that I never recall Bowser making the slight attempt to be considerate to Mario. Hypothetically, I think that Mario would be indefatigably skeptical, as I am. Smile and wave, Mario. Smile and wave.
I do and always have enjoy(ed) great makeover-time with my daughters. Emma, Lily, and I have enjoyed some facials lately, including microdermabrasion. I have so many fond memories of makeovers and such! Alyssa (Pipsqueak) also loves when we touch up our make-up in the bathroom. I have assembled a small makeup kit with brushes (used, for more of an authentic look), a foundation sponge, some empty powder containers, lip gloss, and whatever else I could throw in thereš¤Ŗ. She puts lotion on her foundation sponge and blots it over her face. She loves our primping time, but not as much as I do š
Another thing I have been doing is listening to more music and watching less tv (namely Lucifer. Dang his accent. š) I have been making playlists, namely for my ‘Squeaky‘ car rides. Alyssa loves a handful of songs, ranging from Hillsong United, to Indie pop.
I’ve also made a playlist for my 11-year-old, Lillian. It’s mostly Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, but there’s a song from The Clash on it. I’m embarrassed to say that I secretly love T-Swizzle, despite what my close friends of the earlier part of this decade may believe š darn catchy tunes. One of my closest friends, Mikey, knows a lot about her. I think he and I are gonna start an anonymous TAYTAY support group.
Emma’s playlist consists of punk and power pop. I have become addicted to pop meets punk… er punk meets pop… well, the ensnaring of punk/pop. That’s become my workout music, my playlist is a mix of the 3 threads of my daughters’ playlists with some 90’s, alternative rock, and classic rock added. I love me some Van Hagar š!
So back to the working out… as you all know I was in an automobile-accident in 2015 that put me into a 2-month coma with a Traumatic Brain Injury. I have been trying so hard to achieve happiness and contentment with my 2nd chance at life. I celebrated my 3-year ‘rebirthday‘ April 10, 2018. I have been wanting to make more of an effort to improve my physical body, and there’s no better time than now. Over the last 3 years, I have reached out to different wellness centers nearby, and none of them felt welcoming. I was trying to learn what types of activities would benefit my shortcomings, and it was hard to even get a return call. A week or two ago, I visited a local sports and wellness center, The Fieldhouse, and talked to the owner, Mic Amicone, and the President, Alainna Amicone-Durfee. They were very excited to help me start on the path to taking control of my physical situation minutes into our first conversations. It gave me a good feeling, and hope āŗļø.
My right-foot doesn’t cooperate, which is my biggest setback, among other things. I started on a cycle-trainer and felt good about my progress, so after about 30 minutes of that, I decided to check out a cardio class, which was kind of a big jump on day 1… the instructor, Tressa Reilly, who I found out was also the Director of Group Fitness, was very friendly and gave tips for my maximum benefit without making me feel uncomfortable (I mean, I’m obviously not 100%!) I stayed the entire class and gave it my best shot. Alainna and Tressa asked me after class what my goal was, and I told them to kick a soccer ball. So do you know what they did? They encouraged me to do it. AND I DID IT! I feel invincible… like a million bucks. I fell, and I didn’t kick it well, but I achieved my goal… because I can do anything I put my mind and heart to.
Utilize the friends and skills you have. There are many challenges ahead and the road will get tougher…in due time, you will conquer. You will be stronger than you believe you ever were or could be.
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Well, I’ve made the decision to devote this bloggery to a pandemic: parental alienation. It has affected me for going on 3 years.
I was recently a guest on a great internet-radio show, Far From Normal. I have learned a lot and have embraced what is near to my heart.
4/10/2018 Far From Normal radio show
I formed them inside of me and I have become a victim of alienation from them. I take responsibility for not handling everything perfectly, but I will use the excuse of the mental despair that alienation causes. There are far too many malefactors in, not only my case, but quite a few cases.
What is happening is that enemies are putting themselves above what is best for the children. Assailants are aspersing each other. In my case, it was my children’s fathers’ previous attorney and not only them, but namely the females in their lives that caused thousands of dollars in improvidence and thousands of hours of melancholy.
Lie after lie, after lie have been formulated in an attempt to bring me down, and did (successfully) for a small amount of time. I have done nothing but accept responsibility for my faults and have learned to grow.
My daughter’s fathers are 100% their fathers, despite who I chose to have in my life, and guess what? I am 100% their mother. I have never tried to replace them, and I stand firm that I never will.
I have been told that I need to just die by one of said women. Of course she isn’t owning up to saying it. I’m owning up to things that I have said or done that I’m not proud of, but that’s what gives me the confidence to fight back toward hatred and animosity. I don’t have to deactivate and reactivate my social media and I sleep well at night, because even though I am not friends with my daughter’s fathers’, I’m respecting them and not creating arduous accusations and lies to contravene them.
Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect, is itself a form of child abuse.
For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is dangerous and formidable.
The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent:
Parental substitution is exactly what it sounds like. Replacing a parent with another, giving the child the impression (and ultimately, if allowed to go on long enough, the conclusion) that someone other than the childās parent is really the parental figure. If the biological parent isn’t, or has no interest in being, in the child’s life that’s an exception to this summary.
What I am implying as improper parental substitution: a father and his girlfriend have influenced his son or daughter to believe she has two mothers ā his girlfriend and the child’s biological mother. Letās further assume in our hypothetical this parental substitution has gone on for many years before the biological parent got any rights, even though she was actively (though not equally) involved in the childās life and even though she was weary of what he saw.
This is not unusual and when any parent, father or mother, sees him or herself being replaced in the childās eyes, that parent experiences, what is now recognized in the DSM-V as an official disorder. Thanks to the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Associationās Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is now, basically, logged in as an official disorder. The new (more broad) category of āchild psychological abuseā is defined as ānon-accidental verbal or symbolic acts by a childās parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to the child.ā
My older daughters aren’t sure what to believe. They get one hour a week with me and 167 hours a week without me. That one hour is not enough time to try and prove that I’m not as much of a miscreant as I’m implied to be. My youngest and I have a far better relationship, but it’s obvious that she is confused. I know that she knows I am her mother. I can sense where my mother is and has been because of a special bond that we have, and I know for a fact that my youngest and I have that bond, as well. I’m hoping my older daughters chose to have me in their lives, but I respect that, at this moment, they do not. It doesn’t change the amount of love I have for them, nor does it change the amount of sorrow my heart feels by missing them.
We can all agree that the world needs to learn respect toward one another, but this blog, specifically, calls out parents and step-parents. Try to show respect to each other, for the kids.
Thank you for stopping by, come again soon š
