Post-partum Depression

The subject of post-partum depression come up this past week, and it came up again yesterday. It got me thinking, the worst times of my life have been mixed with the best times of my life.

When I became pregnant with all 3 of my daughters, I became my own worst enemy and I tore-down my self image.

How I handled my self-image caused a lot of damage with quite a few people. I have not had an opportunity to repair (or attempt reparation) with quite a few of those situations.

Before and after my daughters were born, I accept responsibility that I didn’t handle some things well, and it’s lining up with ante/postpartum depression.

Depression during pregnancy is called antepartum or prenatal depression, and depression after pregnancy is called postpartum depression.

I’m gathering the effects of such caused me to be undesirable to the men I was with, and I certainly felt undesirable. I didn’t seek the help that I should have during all 3 of my pregnancies, and I the fact that i hadn’t participated in therapy long-enough to understand how to process events with my youngest, caused quite a bit of problems.

I didn’t take it well when I found out about infidelity after my older 2 daughters births.

With all 3 of my daughters, the impulse actions seemed to be out of my control.

If you have the slightest concern you may have antepartum or postpartum depression, please talk to your doctor, or a therapist.

I would love to sit down and rationally discuss a positive plan with people in my daughters lives, but circumstances are preventing me from suggesting that. If the circumstances were to dissipate, I would love to discuss the future in a peaceful, rational way.

Here is some information on Antepartum Depressionand Postpartum depression.

I love my Girls๐ŸŒ™๐Ÿ”™,๐Ÿ“ˆ๐Ÿœ, >โˆž๐Ÿ’ฌ

These tears I’ve cried…

I’ve cried 1000 oceans.

And if it seems

I’m floating in the darkness

Well, I can’t believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying…

And I would cry 1000 more…

If that’s what it takes to sail you home…

Sail you home

Sail you home

I’m aware what the rules are
But you know that I will run…
You know that I will follow you
Over silbury hill
Through the solar field
You know that I will follow you

And if I find you

Will you still remember

Playing at trains?

Or does this little blue ball

Just fade away

Over silbury hill

Through the solar field

You know that I will follow you

I’m aware what the rules are

But you know that I will run…

You know that I will follow you!

These tears I’ve cried

I’ve cried 1000 oceans

And if it seems

I’m floating in the darkness

Well I can’t believe that I would keep

Keep you from flying

So I will cry 1000 more

If that’s what it takes

To sail you home…

Sail you home.

I love you, Eldestto the moon and back ๐ŸŒ™๐Ÿ”™

I love you, Pilly, oodles and oodles like a bowl full of noodles ๐Ÿ“ˆ๐Ÿœ.

I love you,Pipsqueak, more than a million squeaks > โˆž ๐Ÿ’ฌ

*Tori Amos, “1000 Oceans.” To Venus and Back, Atlantic, 1999.

Crocheting, Moose and Squirrel

So being retired, I have little to do at times. I have some great friends that I enjoy time with, but basically my yorkie, Diesel, and I sit at home organizing and reorganizing. Destroying vehicles and iPhones are not legitimate hobbies. I found out yesterday that iPhones are not waterproof, and that I like pink ones better than black ones ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ#newphone #nomorebackpocket When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, I started crocheting a scarf that I jokingly said I would have done by the time she is 9. I’m not sure where it is, but I don’t believe it is finished. Strike that: I don’t know where it is and I know it’s not finished. ๐Ÿ™„ I’m going to start crocheting again. It’s like riding a bike, only safer. I picked up the crocheting-hook-thingy and knew just what to do!

Another hobby is binge watching shows. At the top of the list was Supernatural, until I got caught up. My oldest daughter and I discuss details of it. Honestly, I have learned some traits from that series.

Here are some lessons Sam and Dean Winchester have taught me:

Everything goes better with pie

Never forget dessert! With Dean, you can pretty much expect pie to be in reaching distance at all times. It’s like the axiom whatever gets you through the day.

Which leads to the next lesson:The little things get you through the day

How you handle a curveballs is crucial to getting through them. For the Winchesters, the recipe usually consists of alcohol, wisecrack comments, emotional drives and pie. The common theme they seem to have worked out is that you need to keep doing the light little things that get you through the day.

Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole

You don’t have to drive. Be thankful you don’t have to drive. Have you driven lately??? It’s not fun. Your opinion of music is invalid.

Don’t let the fear of death stop you

They have lost everyone close to them, some a couple times, but they keep fighting villains. Now they are fighting calamities side-by-side with both demons and angels…

Which leads me to me next point…Don’t write demons (like Crowley) off permanently

In the beginning, none of us could stand him, but now I can’t remember not liking him. Ha This is my favorite clip of Crowley. Just because you have made up your mind about someone doesn’t mean they can’t change. This is something I’m trying to learn, myself, but if ‘Moose’ and ‘Squirrel’ can save the world alongside Crowley, I suppose I can give it a shot.

Family don’t end with blood

Sam and Dean remind us you can pick your family. The people they care most about are no relation: Bobby, Charlie, Ellen, Jo, and so on. Moreover, there are relatives they feel no obligation to.

A leg guitar is better than air guitar

Dean has a good point. When the time is appropriate, there is not a problem with letting loose and enjoying the day. When your jam comes on, use the limbs that Chuck gave you and play to an imaginative sold-out audience.

Don’t trust a sandwich with 2 meats stuffed inside each other

If something sounds too good to be true, it usually is too good to be true. The turducken was a prime example of this that Dean learned for all of us. Stick with simple, well-known concepts, or foods. Anything that tries to get funky like turducken has to be laced with some sort of evil.

Some other things that I have learned from Supernatural:

  • If you are weary and tired of all the burden in your life, you can always ask for help.
  • Crying and pouting all of the time doesn’t solve any problems, or teach you anything you need to learn.
  • Fulfillment won’t always come from acknowledgment and rewards.
  • Our love for the people that are most important to us can give us unbelievable endurance, and strength which can help us fight over and over and over again.

I love you Emma, Lillian, and Alyssa. You 3 are giving me the strength to persevere.

The end of Eddie Money

I apologize and give my appreciation in advance to you for reading this. This entry is, basically, pouring my heart out. I’m not sure who reads these, if anyone, but I’m not writing it for you. Google ‘journaling therapy’ to get more facts on this process. It really is helping me.

Journaling can:

  • Help us release what we truly feel on the inside
  • Give us a better understanding of our point of view, as well as encourage us to view others points of view
  • A life story, including the opportunity to go back and review later
  • Get to know yourself. Do introspect and evaluate whether you need to make changes
  • Pass it down. Someday, my daughters will view this and see how hard I’m working to become a better person.
  • Process your feelings. When you write them, you get them out of your heart so that your mind can process them.

If you are down on yourself alot, journaling is a great way to get around this and discover that your life is truly worth living.

My friends, Ri and Mikey, have been such a huge support to me during my veganistic transition, in addition to putting up with me quite a bit for non-vegan related matters๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ. I do enjoy Mikey and I’s Youtube binge-sessions and look forward to Ri and I’s Brooklyn 99 binge-sessions, now that I showed her why Gina Linetti is my spirit animal. ๐Ÿบ๐Ÿญ๐Ÿ˜‚

I spent some time with my great Aunt and Uncle today, and we talked quite a bit about not only how awesome my parents are, and how my dad can build a Lowe’s Distribution Center with rubber cement and a stick, but how when you stop and think about it, we have a lot to be thankful for.

My parents raised me well, and it has taken, what, (how old am I, 30๐Ÿ˜‰)35 years to grasp how I need to take care of the things I have. A good friend of mine asked me yesterday what I wanted for Christmas… a big thing. I couldn’t think of a thing! If there is something I need, I sell stuff on eBay or Facebook marketplace to get the money for it. If I don’t really need it, I end up talking myself out of it. I don’t know if it’s maturity, self-respect, or both… but…

I’m content with the blessings I have. I have a beautiful home, I’m (somewhat) healthy, 3 beautiful daughters, quite a few friends, loving parents, a confident/accomplished attorney that has faith in me, hope, self-assurance, and God.

I miss my daughters quite a bit.

I’m doing everything I can to grow from the depression that had consumed me for years, and detonated when I had my accident in 2015. I’ve never been a perfect person, but in 2009 my heart was irreparably broken and I didn’t handle it well.

My faith in God took a hit, I started taking things in my life for granted, thankfully I never abused drugs or alcohol, but I buried my problems with work and failed relationships. When I had my accident, I left a mess and 2 months later, I woke up to a bigger mess, and a broken heart. I tried to repair that mess with a relationship that encouraged me to compromise my integrity, thus putting me into a deeper depression and causing more problems for myself.

Toward the end of that mistake, I got diagnosed, psychologically, and everything that held me down for years, clicked. Unfortunately, that mistake has done irreparable damage, and the person on the other end of the mistake does not want to accept responsibility for his mistakes, or forgive. It’s sad, but given the brief time we socialized, I recall a dark-side that is very troubled. I, sincerely, hope that person can rise from that stronghold and become a better person. Only time will tell.

The silver-lining is that all of this mess forced me to take responsibility for my mistakes and my life, participate in therapy to learn from and grow, not just for my daughters,but for me. Despite the oubliette I am in, I’m in the strongest place, mentally, I’ve ever been. I’m truly happy and I can enjoy life. I have a confidence and self-respect I’ve never had, and it grows by the day. I’m not consumed with hatred because that would give my enemies energy that I want to keep, selfishly.

Wow. This was a lot longer than I planned. Thank you for reading and send positive vibes, please. โœŒ๏ธ

Put your money where your mouth is โ˜บ๏ธ

Iโ€™m learning to respect myself and itโ€™s giving me more confidence to talk to people. Iโ€™m slowly learning to handle myself more appropriate with people I talk to, which I haven’t always done. That incorporated with being my own worst enemy was a bad combination.

I’m accepting responsibility for that deficiency.

I have my youngest daughter to thank for teaching me to focus on making myself a better person, along with her being the inspiration for 5lb Purpose. Whenever I see a pregnant mother, or a mother with a newborn, I take her a business card and offer our Facebook support group if she intends on breastfeeding. I have met some wonderful ladies by doing that. ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

I went to my favorite thrift store today and the cashier stated that she sees me in often, and often she can tell something is bothering me, but she said she can also see I’m trying very hard to smile and stay strong. She also told me she was praying for me. That strength that God is giving me, I can not take credit for.Emotionally, I am in the best place I have ever been, despite the turmoil that tries to consume my life. Shortly after I left there, I stopped by another store. There was a gentleman looking at cords and plugs. Because of the courage 5lb Purpose has given me, I started an interesting conversation with said gentleman about one of my new obsessions, smart plugs. Then we discussed the security cameras in my house. We stood their and chat for, roughly, 4 hours๐Ÿ˜‚. I walked away with a big smile on my face because I am learning that by accepting responsibility for my past and putting forth effort to move forward, I encounter some great people and hold decorous conversations โ˜บ๏ธ Yesterday, I stopped by one of past boyfriend’s grandmother’s house to chat. We held a very good conversation and I remembered so many good memories that I had with her. I was able to apologetically accept responsibility for my past, and thankfully she suggested we leave it there. We had a great visit and great conversation.

I’m learning to respect myself before I try to respect anyone else.

As hard as it was to take that first step, I’m so thankful I did because tomorrow isn’t promised. I have a lot of good memories with him and his family, I will hold on to those.

Itโ€™s unfortunate that I canโ€™t repair some of the situations in my past because there are certain people that have made it impossible for me to reason with them. Theyโ€™ve negatively made up their mind about me, and thatโ€™s unfortunate. It wouldn’t be that much of a concern if it didn’t involve my daughters… There is so much animosity, hatred, and war.

I want peace, but for that to happen, the strategy must be reciprocal.

Clutch puppy๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ‘œ

As many of you may know, I have always had a love for Yorkshire Terriers. They are small, cute, and do not aggravate my allergies. I have been blessed to have a couple Yorkies throughout my life, but I’ve been so busy and preoccupied that I haven’t given the attention they deserve.

After my wreck, a clutch puppy adopted me (he’s not a purse puppy because he’s barely 5 pounds, Pipsqueak was bigger than him when she was born). He has his own car seat in the passenger seat, I leave the tv on for him when I leave him home (which is rare). I used to make his dog food which I may start doing again, after I do some vegan research… I make a great effort to treat him well.

About once a week, I spend the night with my friends out of town, who have a Dorgi (Dachshund/Corgi) and 2 cats. Their Dorgi, Princess Magnolia Margarine Stasik (Maggie), and Diesel get along very well, but the cats, Stewart and Louise, intimidate him quite a bit. Early on, he flipped out quite a bit, but after he realized they were not nice to anyone they approve, he has been handling himself better. Even that is arbitrary haha. Strangers that you know don’t like you can be foreboding and can cause erratic, defensive nature, but Diesel is learning (like I am) that it’s easier to just let people (or cats) ruin their lives instead of causing problems with your erratic, defensive nature…

Its not worth the energy or stress.

So in conclusion, Diesel has reminded me that even though cats and girl dogs he doesn’t know can be intimidating, if you handle yourself well and stay calm and rational (instead of enervated and debilitate) they will not be worth your timorous comportment. I honestly think he is strong and rational enough to not fear a bulldog, as rough-skinned and intimidating as they are. He’s teaching me a lot for being a 4lb clutch puppy. โœŒ๏ธ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿค™

Thrifty-shmifty ๐Ÿ’ต ๐Ÿ’ฐ

Ok. So… I don’t mean to brag but I am pretty thrifty. My parents raised me with the concept that, “anyone can have anything they want, just not everything.” I’m incredibly proud of how economical and intelligent my parents are, I wish I would have listened to them years ago.

I’m proud to say I own the title to my Honda Odyssey and the deed to my home, which feels very good.

I have thrifty things that I do to earn money… I’m proud to say my 11 year old daughter, Lillian-Pillian, taught me how to “shopkick”.

Because of overall thriftiness, and selling things on eBay (thanks Mikey for the suggestion), I was able to make some VERY exciting purchases for my birthday! As the world may already know, I love love love coffee โ˜•๏ธ. I purchased myself a Keurig 2.0 575 (or something ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ) Happy birthday to me!!

I barely spent anything on it because of my thrifty nature (not couponing ๐Ÿ˜ท) . My mother taught me everything I know, and my love and admiration for her is a blog for another day. And my dad… I’m a “daddy’s girl”. You could give him a toothpick and a jar of rubber cement and end up with a Lowe’s distribution center. ๐Ÿ’ช

I love you, Mom and Dad ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ’œ

Anywho, I got a new Keurig, and WiFi smart plugs. I kind of what to go back and buy 17 more๐Ÿ˜. I have my living room lights on timers for security, and my Bath & Body Works wallflowers on timers to save money and avoid overwhelming scents.

While I was out shopping, I got presents for my friends, family, and most importantly, my daughters.

It’s cliche to say, but Christmas isn’t about presents, it’s about loving the time you have with people dear to your heart. I can not wait to hug my 2 oldest daughters on Wednesday and feel their positive auras shine into my soul.

Iโ€™ve been wondering about a presentless Christmas. The holiday anxiety seems to come from presents. Christmas without presents is simply Thanksgiving with more decorations and snow. One thing that I have learned over the years is that gifts aren’t about the dollar, they are more about what’s in your heart. Whether I spend $1 or $170, my heart is the remunerator. Again, sorry to throw out an abundance of cliches, but gifts of the heart are more distinguished than gifts from the wallet. I’m proud to know that Emma and Lily have been raised with that mentality. It’s obvious because of the gifts they gave me while they were growing up. Their hearts are so big.Speaking of my daughters, I got them each a handful of presents that are PERFECT for them! Don’t tell Alyssa, but I got her a play kitchen. Shhhhh! ๐Ÿคซ

I may have got Emma a guitar ๐ŸŽธ amp and I may have got Lily a pink hoodie. I wonder what it says on it? ๐Ÿ˜‰ #Logang#maybenot๐Ÿ™ƒ

Actions speak louder than words…

Words without actions don’t speak. For years, I have been meaning to visit 2 very important people from my childhood, my neighbors. Last year, the local newspaper did a story on the husband. My grandma, who I also need to visit soon, told me the retirement home they are in. The words I spoke were, “I’m going to visit them very soon!” but the actions were not happening. Well, due to a message from my bestie today, I started thinking about the idiom, actions speak louder than words. I’m learning from things that happen to me daily and implementing my new knowledge into actions.

We’ve probably all had an experience with the car with the bumper sticker โ€œWhat would Jesus Do?โ€ and then, recklessly cutting another person off, sending a contradictory message. St. Francis noted this in particular when he suggested that people preach the gospel but โ€œuse words if necessary.โ€ What he meant was that sending God’s message to the world could be active instead of verbal, and that words were subordinate to action, consequently implicating, ‘practice what you preach.’

I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. Revelation 3:8

People can say anything, but when what they say and do are contradictory, itโ€™s easier to judge by what is done instead of by what is said. The phrase โ€œsaying one thing and doing another,โ€ is related to this idea.When people admonish to certain belief sets (religions/diets/lifestyle choices) that emphasize humility, but then do not act in a humble way, their actions are more telling than their professions of faith. For instance, I have been purchasing vegan groceries. I made a comment to the cashier that being vegan was a little expensive. I noticed her looking at the ingredients on the crescent rolls closely while I was looking in my wallet for my debit card… Yes, crescent rolls are vegan ๐Ÿ˜‚ I wasn’t offended, I was slightly humored. There is nothing wrong with being physically held accountable for your words. I’m open to constructive criticism, as long as it’s coming in a civil, peaceful way, not a manipulative, evil way. If the cashier would have said, “hmmm this contains ____ I didn’t know you were allowed to eat that”, my reply would have been, “gosh, I didn’t even notice that! Thank you! ๐Ÿ˜Šโ€œWhen all is said and done, more is always said than done.โ€

Another personal example is, if my friend tells me you post on social media that you have given your heart to God, but your comportment suggests depravity, while I sincerely hope you have appointed God to be your admonition, if you are consumed with anger, hatred, and futility instead of peace, respect, and tranquility, it’s a little discouraging. I’m going to quote something my previous Pastor Joe told me a month or so ago, “a few moments of war are minimal in comparison to eternity of peace with (my) daughters if (I) pray for peace.”โ€œAction speaks more powerfully than words, but when you use words as your actions, you probably wonโ€™t stop talking.โ€

We can apologize for our mistakes over and over, but if our actions do not show intention of reparation or remorse, our words are meaningless.

So in conclusion:

  1. Actions speak louder than words
  2. Practice what you preach
  3. Don’t say one thing and do another

  • A dog is not considered a good dog because of his bark.
  • An NFL draft pick isn’t compensatory pick because he claims to belong in the first round. (I know, I quoted sports. I’m VERY knowledgeable on baseball aka the NFL๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜‚)
  • A person isn’t necessarily economical simply because they open a savings account.

Actions show much more of a personal commitment than words do.

Nonchalant words contradict merited action. With actions, it shows that you have actually altered your behavior/put forth effort to make something happen. ๐Ÿ’ช


Patience is giving me victory ๐ŸŽ‰

For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer for it, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. -1Peter2:20

What that is saying is something that has taken me years to learn. Peter is not saying that suffering is a commendable thing. What is commendable is that one has submitted to God’s will and that he is suffering, not because he did something wrong, but because he did something right. In addition, he is not striking back, which is what his emotions would lead him to do.

We desire othersโ€”especially Godโ€”to be patient and forgiving toward us in our faults, but we don’t practice the same attitude and conduct toward those whose faults offend us. Patience is a two-way street, and God clearly demands reciprocity.

I’m done with the drama.

By turning the other cheek, I can rise from the ashes of past mistakes like a phoenix.

By not participating in drama, my life is so much easier.

I donโ€™t have to acknowledge these proddings that are inflicted upon me.

The idiom sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt has never rang more true for me, than recently.

The things that were hurting me, were the reactions. I’m accepting responsibility for my mistakes and learning from them.

If I had just turned the other cheek, and patiently waited, nothing would have happened.

I do not seek the approval of strangers anymore. Many of these people injecting their thoughts into the situation are only spoon-fed bits of information they see on social media. I wrote about it, recently: Social media kills interpersonal communication๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ

My reactions have become ammunition that has been used against me, but I am done with the drama, there won’t be anymore reactions. All I want is peace and positivity, and the world is starting to see that is true.

I chose to be my best friend.

Vegan is a vegan does ๐Ÿฅ

Well… I’m in the early stages of becoming vegan with information given to me by my best friend. Whether it’s the benefits of veganism or the placebo of respecting every living being, I’m embracing peace and happiness every morning that I wake up, and throughout my days. This is an interesting concept due to my well known love of steak ๐Ÿฅฉ. After watching some videos on the explanation of how animals are treated in production, it breaks my heart. What really got to me are the baby chicks ๐Ÿ˜ข. I’m taking baby steps toward becoming vegan… I’m thinking I may research local facilities and purchase eggs locally by people that treat the hens respectfully until I can become a complete vegan. I’m a vegetarian first to slowly omit eggs and dairy, but dairy isn’t hard because I already drink almond milk.

I want peace and happiness for all living creatures.

Health benefits of being vegan

Controls Obesity

โ€ขhigher fiberโ€ขlower animal protein intakeโ€ขconsuming grains, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and other plant-based products: all these options have very low amounts of fats, except for the nuts, which are a source of good fat but can cause weight gain if eaten in excess.

Treats Bronchial Asthma

Studies conducted to investigate the efficacy of a vegan diet in the treatment of bronchial asthma have shown promising results.

Prevents Cancer

Research studies have shown that a vegan diet aids in the prevention of various kinds of cancer like colon, lung, esophagus, breast, colorectal, and prostate cancer.

Improves Cardiovascular Health

The wealth of phytochemicals, antioxidants, and fiber present in fruits and vegetables, which cover the significant part of a vegan diet, aid in reduced incidences of stroke and ischemic heart disorder. In addition to this, the inclusion of nuts, whole grains, and soy products also adds to the protective effect exerted by a vegan diet against the cardiovascular diseases.

Anti-aging Properties

Health measures like exercise, high fiber intake, and a low fat intake (part of a vegan diet) may help to deregulate the IGF-1 activity (which plays an important role in the aging process) and reduce the risk of age-related ailments.

Lowers Hypertension

A vegan diet has shown beneficial effects on cholesterol and blood pressure levels as compared to non-vegans.

Controls Diabetes

A veganย dietย consists of plant-derived foods that are naturally high in complex carbohydrates and low in fats. These two factors reasonably contribute to controlling diabetes.

Maintains Healthy Bones

A vegan diet aids in maintaining the acid-base ratio, which is also a significant factor for bone health. The higher concentration of potassium and magnesium in fruits and vegetables provides alkalinity to the diet, which reduces bone resorption.

Treats Parkinsonโ€™s Disease

A vegan diet has been believed to provide a protective effect against Parkinsonโ€™s disease and is also helpful in supporting vascular health.

Treats Rheumatoid Arthritis

A vegan diet has been proven to be effective for patients suffering from rheumatoid arthritis, owing to the presence of a good amount of fiber, vitamin C, vitamin E, and carotenoids.

Lowers Homocysteine Levels

Scientific research has supported the fact that the consumption of a vegan diet, along with other health parameters like exercise and the prohibition of alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine helps in lowering the levels of homocysteine in the blood. Elevated levels of homocysteine in the blood can pose a risk for blood vessels and cardiac disorders, and may also lead to the clotting of blood in the veins.

Improves Overall Health

Vegan food helps to keep a check on common body ailments that usually do not let a person feel healthy and relaxed. The inclusion of vegan foods such as tofu enhances the ability of the body to manage stress. All these benefits improve general health and reduce the need for medication for such disorders. Veganism also helps to reduce the probability of needing certain surgeries like angioplasty, open heart surgery, and cancer treatment.

Consumption of less sugar and fats and more fruits and vegetables keeps the person more naturally energized and makes you look and feel good.