I’ve wondered for years, why do you hate me so much? We got along well before the wreck and you *seemed* pretty supportive after the wreck, until I asked you if we could try to rekindle our marriage. You said no, and I became depressed. I wanted a family and structure again.
I wondered why I survived the wreck, just 2 months after I woke up from the coma. My house had been sold, my parents gave me childish rules (when and when I couldn’t have my phone, when I could and couldn’t go in the kitchen, when I could and couldn’t watch tv) and when I didn’t follow them, they took me to the police station and my dad said, “she’s your problem now.” Within 6 months after my wreck you filed for custody of Emma and Lily. You also filed a bogus CPO claiming I asked an old landlord and/or her husband to kill you. There was no proof this happened, so I wasn’t charged with conspiracy to commit murder.
Why? Why did you do that to me? You kicked me when I was down. You have me blocked in every way. I have tried to make peace numerous times, but why would you want peace? You get about $400 a month for disability for the girls (even though I never requested a penny of child support after the divorce) and you have completely alienated me. You would get no benefit from the girls having a mom.
People ask me when things went sour with you, and the only thing I can think of is when I woke up from the coma. You wanted me to die. How can anyone not respect the hatred I have toward you: you took my daughters, shoved a knife in my back, and for the last 5 years, your silence and inability to compromise is vinegar on my bleeding heart.
I would be more than willing to move forward in an amicable way if you gave me a chance to be a mom. I haven’t talked to my daughters in months and I’m waiting on your contempt hearing that was delayed by COVID-19. You have slandered and defaced me so much I can’t even communicate with them, in any way.
I was listening to State Champs: Living Proof, it’s basically the only cd in my van, so whenever Peppa Pig or Little Baby Bum isn’t on (which is, like, 1 day a week ha) I listen to State Champs. I’ve heard this song a million times, but I had to pull over and sob because I thought about my oldest daughter Emma. She loves State Champs, as well, but I’m so disconnected from her. Does she have her license? How was her boyfriend, Brandon, doing? Does she like her job? Is life going well for her? I sat on the side of the road and sobbed while I listen to this song asking those questions in my head. Don’t get me wrong, I think about Lily as well. I love both of them more than they will ever know. There’s nothing I can do to make things better. No matter what I do, whether I move forward or live in the past, nothing is going to change. My family won’t grow more love for me, I won’t get to see my daughters, “you” will still judge me, whomever you are. Why would I think that anything would get better? The only thing I can do is look at pictures of my positive memories. Last night, I started to make this compilation, and just got finished. I hope you enjoy it.
*** Please let me know if you click on the link and don’t see the video*** 😊
I LOVE YOU BOTH Emma Leigh Anne and Lillian Grace.
Your little brother and I waited in line at your work, for what felt like, 45 minutes to tell you we loved you on Saturday, but you weren’t working. Thank your dad on my behalf for alienating me from your life. I’m not really sure if Jesus condones that. I love you and Lily, even though you and lily can’t stand me. Best wishes, I guess.
I like to buy stuff. When I find ergonomical deals that will make our lives easier, I buy them and give my opinion of them. Since I’m buying stuff I intend on liking, some if not all of my purchases get positive reviews. I noticed mid December that some of my reviews had went away, and the remainder were slowly going away. I reached out to Amazon to inquire why this was happening. I made sure that my posts adhered to guidelines… They said that they thought I had a relationship with the sellers. That was preposterous because in my reviews, I stated why I purchased them and I gave positive and negative feedback.
Since my accident, I have been trying to adjust to a “normal” life… before the accident, I felt invincible. I was thin, worked out regularly, held positions at jobs that I really enjoyed, had a great relationship with my ex-husband, had a great relationship with my kids, had a great relationship with my parents, owned a beautiful home, I’d say I had a pretty good life. I wasn’t perfect, and I took all of the positives for granted. I was searching for happiness.
After I woke up from the coma, I noticed almost everything was gone. My kids, my ex-husband, my parents, most of the people in my life that I cared about held on to the mistakes that I had made in the past. I woke up to a nightmare. Most of the people aforementioned despise me. I started seeing a neuropsychologist that helped me identify some personality traits that were harmful. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying hard to become a better person. My middle daughter and her paternal family hates me, but I respect that and I’m proud of myself for whom I’ve become, I become stronger everyday.
My doctor advised me to gain some hobbies. I have become a third-party contractor to audit merchandise in stores and displays of certain products in stores. I absolutely love doing that! Reminds me of my Marketing Director days for Tide. I use the money I make to test-out products and post my reviews on my other site: Stephaniegoogles.
As i mentioned, a couple months ago, I was informed that my reviews were no longer visible on Amazon. I exchanged some emails and fought with them for a couple days, until all of the sudden, my reviews were getting approved again. Two months later: I’m having the same problem again. Aside from retail therapy, it’s therapeutic for me too try new products and share my opinion of them with the world.
I talked to dozens of people today. All of them gave handbook, monotonous answers. I used to work for the Chase Mortgage Banking Executive Office, So I know those textbook responses like the back of my hand.
Finally, I spoke with a real – live human. Marc was his name. He seemed empathetic to what was happening. He understood that my reviews and sharing my opinion is important to me. Everyone from my past and most of the people in my current life now look at me as disabled/worthless/pointless. Purchasing these fascinating items and giving my thoughts on them has been therapeutic. He understood that. fighting with Amazon to fight for my love of my hobby is slightly therapeutic. ha. My uncle told me last week that it brought him joy to see me get excited about purchasing stuff on my wish list. Most of those items I have given as gifts (so I feel less bad about retail therapy haha) I gave my oldest daughter some wireless headphones that I purchased for myself, but love them so much I gave them to her as a gift. I mentioned that in my review and it was heartbreaking to see that review was taken down. They were pretty cool wireless earbuds! I was so proud of my review because I talked about how much I loved my daughter in it, and I liked this purchase so much, I was going to give it to her. Broke my heart when I saw it was taken down.Thank you, Marc, for putting in the extra effort to help me. Thank you for making me feel important. I have an odd hobby, but it is emotionally fulfilling. You are the only Amazon employee that I won’t be throwing darts at tonight. Haha
They also removed my background photo to my profile ha ha ha ha￼
I’m so excited that I have got to spend more time with my youngest, but it doesn’t repair the fact that I am completely alienated from my older two daughters.
I enjoy life with my youngest, they enjoy life with my youngest, but we’ve never get to enjoy life together.
I would love to take them to the zoo, I would love to take them to COSI, I would love to take them to a waterpark, recreational park, hiking, swimming, gym, I would love to do anything with the three of them together.
It is been brought to my attention that they are not interested in having more time with me. Their father filed a motion asking to cease the one hour I get a week with them, because that’s what they want.
I find that hard to believe because I enjoy and love the time with my daughters so much. Do they really hate me? Have I really been that bad of a mom? Their paternal family has almost completely alienated them from their maternal family, myself included, so why would they want a mom? Their lives are completely fine without one, or so they are led to believe.
I’m heartbroken because I have lost so much time with my daughters and they have moved on without me... I’m out of their lives. There’s no reparation that they are interested in. There’s nothing I can do to show them I’m not the monster they believe I am. There’s nothing I can do to show them I have loved them since before they were born. I have done everything I could to provide them with a happy future, but they have moved on without me. I was never perfect, and I made mistakes. I’m sorry for the mistakes that I have made.
There are no second chances with them, and I’m heartbroken.
I am trying to raise money for psychological evaluations… I need help. I simply don’t have the funds. I want to be able to go to therapy with my daughters to be the mom they need, but I’m so alienated, I don’t even know what that is.
I guess I should focus on my youngest and wait for my older daughters to decide if they want a mother.
Sorry for the heartbroken blog, but I have realized I failed at being a mother, twice, but I won’t fail with Alyssa. Maybe I will meet my Prince Charming and have the family I’ve always dreamed of, but for now it’s just Alyssa and I.