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My daughters part 2

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Iā€™m so incredibly hurt that Tim Latier and his family has done nothing but try to eliminate me from my daughters lives. I was told today that he was the one that suggested they talk to the judge… i know thatā€™s because he is fairly confident they will tell the judge they arenā€™t interested in having me in their lives. That is such a severe knife in my back. I miss the girls quite a bit, but Iā€™m mentally preparing myself to not be their mother anymore. I feel like a step mom to them… Iā€™m out of their lives and he replaces me with his girlfriends. Iā€™m not sure how someone could be so evil to a mother. Iā€™m slowly eliminating them out of my house. I have boxes of their crafts and school papers that Iā€™m going to throw away because as I lie here sobbing, they are just thorns of the life that Tim Latier has taken from me.

My daughters

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I don’t know if this is how my daughters feel, or they really don’t want me in their lives. I feel like if they wanted me in their lives, they would fight for me to be in it. I may not have been the best mom, but I tried my damned hardest. I took them out to breakfast, took them to events, to the zoo, played games with them, cooked fun meals with them, and I haven’t had a relationship with them in 4 years. I certainly hope they haven’t thrown me away so easily and so quickly. At least I have my youngest and her brother, on the way. I really wanted my daughters to be part of this pregnancy, but I’m not even sure he will meet his sisters.

Gone Girl

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I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

Revenge… I will get to that…

As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

And I was so regrettably nice to him.

If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

Yep. I am.

Sermon notes: see below

I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

Sermon notes:

What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

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How is your thought life?

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

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Pretension

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When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

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Donā€™t think of revenge on Tim

Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

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Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Godā€™s will isā€”his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Some new habits of thinking:

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Train your mind to obey

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1. Form a habit of forgiving.

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Make it a second nature

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Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Forgive yourself.

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Let that thing go… set your mind free

If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

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1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2. Form a habit of empowerment.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

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Form a habit of forgiving

Learn from your past

Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

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Philippians 3:12-14 NIV ā€¦I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of meā€¦ 13 ā€¦Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Action Steps:

1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

2. Step out in faith, do that thing youā€™ve hesitated to do.

Thought of the day… er, yesterday

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Faith is a personal sentiment. If we are judging and criticizing others, we arenā€™t investigating ourselves. Just show love and kindness to others. Donā€™t tell them how to think or to feel…

I was using my love for my daughter as an analogy:

Do you know I love Alyssa?

Of course.

How? Do I tell you regularly and/or make efforts to convince you?

No, youā€™re constantly focused on her when you have her, and showing her you love her. Sheā€™s always dressed so cute and youā€™re always doing fun, educational stuff with her.

Moral of the story: let your faith, morals, and ethics guide who you are and who you want to be. Convincing people that ā€œyou are right, etcā€ does nothing but cause arduous disputes. ā€œA city on a hill can not be hidden.ā€ Matthew 5:14

Chapter is closing

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I don’t know what to tell you, Mike. I completely understand, they have moved on without me and are being manipulated by their dad, like I was when I was Emma’s age. Maybe they will love me when they are in their 30’s and can see that ALL HE HAS DONE FOR 4 YEARS IS PROVOKE ME WITHOUT ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY. He’s by no means perfect, so he needs to stop pointing the finger. His daughters will ultimately be punished when they never get to know their brother. Instead of suing me for money (while you live with mommy and daddy and drive an Audi) be a respectful father and have a civil conversation with their mother. Then, you won’t have to have Brad stalk me. The drama is ALL on your side.

I wish you girls the best. I cherish the happy memories before this atrocious war started.

Please, don’t ever forget our kitchen parties with cake pops, pie pops, donut pops, and whatever we could come up with. We used to experiment with what we could make in the waffle maker.

It’s weird if you don’t understand that I woke up from a coma with NOTHING (no baby, no house, no car, no job) and the guy that sat by my side the whole time didn’t want anything to do with me. Took my girls away when I cried. He then joined forces with my ex boyfriend to (try) and take my baby.

Since that time, I have been consistently provoked. Constant death threats, being put down by the fathers of my daughters. NO I HAVE NOT HANDLED IT WELL. Your dad has made NO EFFORT to make things better (or even communicate with me in 3 years), he has done nothing but provoke, degrade, and try to eliminate me. He has been successful.

I will always love you. Remember the good times.

You haven’t always hated me.

One step forward, two steps back

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As I have stated before, I have a lot to be thankful for.

It is rough this Christmas, though.

The court orders have made it so that I wonā€™t get to spend time with my older daughters and my parents. My parents were put into a position where it was either with me, or my girls. My parents chose the girls. I have never, really, been close to my family, as I was adopted. I am not accustomed to this scenario.

My ex-husband is and has done everything to eliminate me out of my daughters lives, and he has been pretty successful. What’s hard though is before my wreck, I had full-custody of them (and didn’t even realize). I got along with their dad (as long as I told him what he wanted to hear). He, unfortunately, is very manipulative, and he’s fashioning my daughters in that direction. He is doing EVERYTHING he can to fight the judges order for therapy between my daughters and I. I want therapy. I want things to get better, he doesn’t. I have no idea what I can do to get things on the right path. I feel as though everything I do is wrong. I will keep praying.

My youngest daughter’s father is somewhat mature and reasonable. There has been an increasing number of people affiliated with his circle that have been going out of their way to harass me. I donā€™t know what I can do to avoid this. I donā€™t want to get off of Facebook. Iā€™m debating getting a new phone number just so these people will not be able to contact me. Between the multiple fake fb accounts and random numbers messaging me, they are driving me to mental exhaustion. Again, I will need to pray for guidance.

I know I have a lot of baggage. Between court orders to see my kids, and the fact that I donā€™t get along with people, I am alienated from my family this Christmas season.

I’m so very thankful for a great church with many of the members to call family, and I have some other great friends I can really depend on.

I know this blog isn’t going to help things, but I’m just frustrated that I seem to be the only one that wants things to get better. My family (Denise, namely) possesses the mentality to block what you don’t like, to be happy. I can’t do that because every time I block people, they just create a new fake account.

I will keep praying for my daughters and my exes.

I just have to appreciate my family: Alyssa, baby boy (due 5/2019), and my close friends/church family.

Merry Christmas

Thanks for stopping by

My world watching Supergirl as I type šŸ„°

Scriptures to look at

Matthew 7:1-5
ā€œDo not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.Ā ā€œWhy do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brotherā€™s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ā€˜Let me take the speck out of your eye,ā€™ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brotherā€™s eye.

John 8:7

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, ā€œLet any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.ā€Ā 

Luke 6:35

But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.Ā 

James 4:11-12

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sisterĀ or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.Ā There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But youā€”who are you to judge your neighbor?

Romans 2:1

You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Romans 12:16-18

Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Ā Do not be conceited.Ā Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.Ā If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

1 Corinthians 6:1-6

If any of you has a dispute with another, do you dare to take it before the ungodly for judgment instead of before the Lordā€™s people?Ā Or do you not know that the Lordā€™s people will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases?Ā Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!Ā Therefore, if you have disputes about such matters, do you ask for a ruling from those whose way of life is scorned in the church?Ā I say this to shame you. Is it possible that there is nobody among you wise enough to judge a dispute between believers?Ā But instead, one brother takes another to courtā€”and this in front of unbelievers!

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1 John 2:9

Those who say that they are in the light butĀ hate other believers are still in the dark.

Matthew 5:11

Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.

Revelation 21:8

But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.

If you canā€™t say something nice, keep your pie-hole shut :)

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Despite peopleā€™s efforts to message mean derogatory things, I need to keep my head up. Yes it hurts me and I have lashed out, but I have to set a good example for Alyssa.

As easy as it is to resort to childish games, and pregnancy hormones kicking it in making it even easier, I need to reflect on what Iā€™ve done and go a different path.

My youngest and I, like to keep our time together about us. When we are together, I am working on saying positive things about the people in her life. I canā€™t say that Iā€™ve always abided by that philosophy, but Iā€™m human. Iā€™ve gotten very mean and disturbing texts. Cyber bullying is a very serious and scary thing that people deal with on a daily basis. I would hate it if anybodiesā€™ children received the messages that I have. My hormones did not lead to react the way I should have. As an adult, I need to just delete, and move on. I shouldnā€™t partake and fall into the trap.

My youngest needs to learn that it isnā€™t okay to call people names. As much as I dislike certain individuals, and I know the feeling is mutual, I need to keep things civil and respectful. I know we are never going to get along. My daughter takes after me in so many ways, that I need to always remember to show kindness, even if itā€™s super difficult for me to do. There some steps that I need to take to make sure she only knows kindness. I donā€™t want her to pick up negativity.

Somethings in my household just donā€™t need to be talked about. When people give mommy bad juju, it affects everyone around her. Alyssa and I will remain steadfast in focusing on the relationship that we are building, and when we are together, we will only focus on what we can do to spread kindness and happiness, despite otherā€™s intentions to troll me and get me worked up.

I implemented a new rule today, certain names are not to be mentioned. It was not received well by her dad.

Stephanie when she was young and Alyssa at 2 šŸ˜Š

So here is the request: I would like suggestions and feedback about my approach.

Am I being childish by not wanting good, bad, or indifferent commented in her and my house? Yes, the rule only applies to inside of our house.

Thank you for reading and feedback is appreciated!

12/14/2018 update sent to Stephanie from a friend:

Iā€™m thankful for life!

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Today, Iā€™m thankful for the woman God has made me, but

I have a lot to be thankful for.

Iā€™m thankful for the friends I have. I had many friends that invited me to share thanksgiving with them (and their family, if applicable) today, and I chose to stay with my dear friends and their daughter, out of town. I had the opportunity to work, and I chose not to, because spending time with those dear to my heart was more important than the almighty dollar. I chose not to take advantage of economical savings (black Friday deals) for that reason. Unfortunately, some in my daughterā€™s life do not share that same view. I pray that my daughters know that family is most important, and their mother has learned where her priorities are.

One word: nom. And thankfulness. And friends. And love. Ok a lot of words…

I also pray for forgiveness toward the fathers of my daughters. I say I have forgiven them often, but unfortunately, I have not. They have caused irreparable damage for many people, including those dear to my heart. It’s not that I harbor hatred for them, it’s more bitterness and confusion because of the manipulative things they have done to me, and those I hold dear– including my daughters. I’m not confident I will ever respect them, but I do not want to harbor hate… even harboring bitterness, alone, would be a strong improvement.

Unfortunately, they counteract what they say and project, consistently, and by them doing that, it makes me feel more of a negative indifference toward them. I simply wish theyā€™d stop fighting/being so negative towards me to make it easier on everyone, but after all this time… all these years… they still continue. What couldā€™ve been smooth and easy, was thrown away. We, all, donā€™t have to like each other to be fair and raise our children, but by trying to cut the other parent off completely and refusing any extra time with them (ie major holidays) will only farther hurt the children, and unfortunately, justify my judgment.

I made an extra effort to help my friends, today, mainly so they could focus on enjoying their family time… because that is the utmost priority to me.

I’m blessed with the ability to create my own schedule, and for many years, I put that schedule ahead of my family. Unfortunately, I was very materialistic. I did not feel appreciated at home- I tried to fill the void in our marriage with stuff. We may have looked like a ‘picture perfect’ family, but I was consumed with depression and I didn’t handle it well. We, both, put on a very convincing act toward the world… and each other. The reason I got married was not justifiable from a rational standpoint. I was barely 20 and had a personality disorder that prevented me from making rational choices. I had a baby with a boy= so I had to create the dreams I wanted with that boy to have my dream family šŸš«šŸ¤¦ā€ā™€ļø. Black or white mentality. Him or no family. I remember sobbing hysterically to my ex-sister-in-law the morning of my wedding in the spare bedroom of my parents home. I’ll never forget. It was summed-up as pre-marital jitters. I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. After our marriage, we did become ‘best-friends‘, but we never really had an emotional or physical connection, which lead to being unfaithful with each other. We still looked like ‘a perfect family’. After about a decade, I divorced him with the opportunity to have another husband/dream life, which was a horrific mistake. I was escaping an abdominal situation for an abhorrent path. Live and learn, they say.

A majority of my life, I was trying to create something that shouldn’t have needed to be created. It should have occurred genuinely.

Skip to shortly before therapy- I almost lost my life and woke-up from a coma very depressed. My ex-husband sat by my side, waiting for me to die. Of course, he put on a good act of looking concerned. Let’s face it: he wouldn’t have did a complete 180 degree turn in a couple weeks from being concerned, to putting an outright atrocious war. He put on that same ‘fake-personality’ act a majority of our marriage, until I found out he had lost his job for committing a sexual-act with a minor employee. Dumbfounded. He also hid a drug-addiction, for years, that he confessed to while drunk with my daughters asleep in his home. All the ajax in the world won’t clean our dirty laundry.

After being rejected by him once I was discharged from rehabilitation, I became consumed with trying to please a random guy. Because of my personality disorder, I assumed I could create a perfect family. Almost like a toddler, I said “mommy, daddy, baby… family”… False. We had different paths. I lied to him on multiple occasions to please him. Once I started going to therapy, things ended abruptly with he and I. My youngest daughter was born of that disaster. ā¤ļø

Looking back- I would not have changed a thing.

My life would be dramatically different if I had received proper therapy in my adolescence, but I would not be blessed with my beautiful daughters.

So, in closing, I’m thankful for the woman I have become. I am perfectly content with the person I am today. More than likely, if you don’t like me, you haven’t had a civil conversation with me in quite a while/if ever, or you’re not a respectable person, yourself šŸ•. Or any friends/family of such people. If you don’t like me, it really doesn’t matter a whole lot, because as my daughters pointed out the other night, God is the only person I have to please, and myself.

Thank you for visiting, and to those of you who are there for me and have helped me to get to who I am today, thank you.

Wow, this was a lot longer than I expected. Thanks for bearing with me!!

Needs to be said

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So my oldest daughter asked me if I ever loved her dad. Well, let me start from the beginning. I was a 17-year old server he, as a manager, took into the office and seduced, and later introduced me to marijuana before taking my virginity. I later found out he was married. He was pretty dependent on drugs and alcohol (which he would give to our Yorkshire terrier, Lucy, that ended her life). I was leaving him when he got me pregnant, with our oldest. I started attending the ‘church’ that I previously mentioned, New Hope, which told me that unless I got married, I was going to burn in Hell, so being a scared 20 year-old afraid of going to hell, I married him. I will never forget crying to my sister-in-law-to-be the morning of the wedding saying that I didn’t want to. It was summed up as premarital jitters, but I honestly despised him and his family. Over the course of time, we became “best friends”, never lovers, and lived a happy life as such, or so I had thought, until he was terminated from his job as general manager of Denny’s Diner due to being sexually inappropriate with underage servers. Imagine that. We remained friends, as if nothing had changed, until my accident. He had sat by my side EVERY DAY while I was in a coma, and when I had somewhat recovered, I was very depressed and wanted a family, again. He didn’t want to leave his 22(?) year old (previous employee) girlfriend and I didn’t take the rejection well. He then filed for custody of my older daughters, which outside of a month or so, I had residential custody of.

I get to see them 1 hour a week, and they have pretty much sided with their dad on all of the turmoil we have been through. I am gradually accepting they don’t want me in their life.

What bothers me, is my youngest, which is no relation to him, gets to spend so much time with him and his mother. They both HATE ME and that’s not an environment I want my daughter in. She talks about the two of them, more than her dad and his girlfriend. I’m thankful she gets to spend so much time with her sisters, but it’s probably confusing to her as to why she rarely sees us together. I regret ever going on a date with him. Everything I acquired since I have met him, is gone. He has taken my oldest daughters from me, he has shattered every good memory, all I can do is try to forget the hell he has put me through since the day we met. The good memories are going out, as well. I will never “forget” my older 2 daughters, but I’m learning to live without them. It’s not fair, but I’m creating a new life with new memories with my daughter and the child I’m expecting.

I answered my daughter by reiterating that when I was depressed after my wreck, I was post-diagnosed with a personality disorder, one I had unknowingly most of my life, that caused me to try to create what i wanted in life: marriage will give me eternal salvation, I can make a family with a guy and kids, etc. No. the woman I am after being released from therapy realizes I never loved him. In fact, I couldn’t stand him. I actually filed for divorce 3 times before I actually followed through, but my personality disorder told me not to think about those thoughts and pursue the “happy family” mentality. I actually had to become engaged to another guy to divorce him because I was mentally weak and was focused on “guy/girl/kids/dog=family”.

I will always love my older daughters, but I have to respect they side with their dad. They don’t need a mom, because their dad and grandma fill my shoes. They don’t want me in their life, or they could make it happen. I was told they told the judge they don’t want me in their life.

There are 3 sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth. Unfortunately, their dad and their grandmother are gasoline to the fire of my destruction…. but they are christians. Interesting.