Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake. Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the… More
Something that therapy has taught me these last couple years is that I have had struggles with boundaries and have determined I’m a codependent person. I know I have a big heart, but I let that cloud my rational thinking.
I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and she mentioned she has been helping a friend out that is going through some challenges, and I offered the advice of setting boundaries in an effort to challenge her friend regarding the struggles that she needs to overcome.
Over the last 2 years, I have been going through challenges myself and I have depended on close friends that I’ve confided in to help me make positive boundaries. Not only do I have the luxury of intensive psychology sessions, but I have the luxury of good, rational friends to help keep me on track. As difficult as my journey is and has been, I’m very thankful and proud of the woman I’m becoming and have become. I’m going to share with you some things that I have learned and am learning.
Types of Boundaries:
▪ Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
▪ Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
▪ Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
▪ Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
▪ Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
▪ Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.
The hard part:
It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:
1 Their self-esteem is minimal/nonexistent
2 They are not in touch with their self-identity
3 They put others’ needs and feelings above their own
4 They believe setting boundaries would jeopardize the relationship
5 They never learned to have healthy boundaries in their past
In the past 6 months, I have taken these steps while learning how to establish my boundaries:
- Baby steps: I set smaller boundaries like minimizing text messages and calling. There are a handful of people that will call me a liar (one of which is my attorney😂), then I progressed to keeping my phone away when I was with another person. I’m not perfect, but I’m making an effort.
- Follow through: When I feel that someone is crossing my boundary, I assertively communicate it. If I’m crossing a boundary or feel I’m at risk of crossing a boundary, I will separate myself from the situation.
- Hire a marketing director: I’m going to cite my marketing directors in this article. It’s my best-friend and my best-friend-in-law 😂😂😂. I’m so appreciative that they are always a phone call away to give me sound, rational advice. Sometimes they have to be the bad guys, but I trust them with my life and I know that whenever I’m in a bind, they have my back. Mikriah, I have your backs if and when you ever need me. 💯 I love you guys. 💜
- Love you and Celebrate you: writing this blog has really helped me to not only discuss my faults, but acknowledge my strengths. I’m learning how to amalgamate those antonyms.
- Drake said it best, “I like a woman with a future and a past.” I reflected on my recent environment and guys that i have dated. For the most part, I felt they needed me to help them take care of their kids and/or them, for 10 years I was a submissive housewife, dated a guy that had a sick perversion of what submission was, quite a few relationships with men that I wrongfully held higher than myself because, well, i didn’t think highly of myself. I’m having a hard time finding someone that I’m willing to put effort into getting to know because I’m dating myself. For the first time in my life, I willingly took myself out to lunch at a nice restaurant. Aside from relationships, I don’t feel I was surrounding myself with much optimism. It felt good, because I’m worth it. Also, look at your history: how were you raised? Were your friends and family codependent? Did you learn it honestly? In my case, my parents weren’t because my parents are the best team I have ever seen. They are perfect partners.
- I reflect over the situation: What don’t I like about this? Am I over-stepping a boundary? Do I have control over it? If I don’t, why am I wasting my time thinking about it?
- Permanent Boundary ‘Hall-pass’ : Sometimes I feel/felt if I held a boundary, I would hurt their feelings/I would feel guilty. I give myself permission to create boundaries and I give myself permission to respect those boundaries, and I prohibit myself from feeling overwhelming guilt because of those boundarial observations. (Sometimes I make up words).
- I have become annoyed with beating around the bush. I like directivity. Yes, Jordan. This is the comment about you. If my coffee tastes like crap, don’t tell me it tastes ok. I don’t care if yo momma said never say a woman’s cooking is bad, coffee is not a light subject. I don’t want to hear what you think I want to hear, I want the truth. Yes, even from you, Cassi 💜
- You can tuna fish… but you can’t tune a piano… haha. 2 emotions that cue a boundary crossage for me are discomfort and resentment. If I’m feeling like a 6-10 on either of those emotions, I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated. Discomfort normally is a result of a boundary violation.
- I established my limits. It was hard for me to create boundaries when I was unsure of my limits. I often take a brief moment in a situation to think of it with a wise-mind, a rational-mind, and a smart-mind.
Boundaries are important to me and I’m thankful that I’m learning how to observe them.
Thank you for visiting and stop back soon!
Psych Central. (2016). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/.
Wikipedia (2018). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Michael Curtis, Editor-in-chief, Lead IT Consultant, Personal film critic/journalist, 2018
Mariah Stasik, Marketing Director, Lead Stylist, Head Witch, 2018
16 more years of this? Please, for the love of God, make an effort to show respect and be rational.
In my path of learning how to deal with my personality and emotions, I have learned how routinely respect myself and others. I have such an appreciation for my friends, it’s not that I haven’t had such wonderful friends in my past, I haven’t looked at our differences and/or similarities as meticulously as I am now.
As cliche as it is to say, a majority of women have comparable predicaments. I was talking with a dear friend last night about bloggery, amongst other projects, and I was able to give advice and encouragement to her, and I needed to hear that myself.
The same struggles she was dealing with are very similar to the ones I feel, and I’m not sure if she realized that by talking about them, she brought up some very explanatory matters that I had never thought of.
That, my friends, is a form of altruism. By sharing her struggles with me, it caused me to be able to relate and offer support. That support was a refresher course to me.I needed that. By sharing her struggles with me, she helped me grow.
After realizing we also have obstinate personalities in common, I laughed.
We’re not that different after all.
Women, as a whole.
I have a muse and a musess that I address when I feel the need to partake in bloggery, and the suggestion was to discuss (sporadic) vloggery. That opened an interesting, informative conversation, so much I didn’t know or hadn’t heard about.
Don’t live in fear that you’re “just not good enough” or “people are making fun of you”. Who cares? <If blogging inspires you, do it!>
Don’t throw stones from glass houses…
if you have flaws, and guess what: I know you do, don’t humiliate or attack someone on social media because you don’t like them. I heard I was recently called a ‘mess‘ by someone I don’t think highly of and don’t have a whole lot of respect for, that’s throwing stones from a glass house. All I can say is I hope she makes peaceful, positive changes for the worlds sake.
Think outside the box:
How are they different? Is there a reason why they are? Can you relate in any way? More often than not, you can find ways to understand others that you may be inclined to judge or feel sorry for. Like the car that cut you off: maybe they are stressed; maybe they have an ill child/friend/family member; maybe they did it selfishly… who knows, who cares. Let it go. You don’t know, and you get no benefit from wasting energy on it.
So the moral of the story is:
- Appreciate differences
- Respect differences
- Embrace differences
I was shopping today for Pipsqueak, and got to thinking… I’ve been so blessed this past year with knowledge, growth, friends, and positive vibes. This bloggery has really helped me a lot, especially here recently. How can I share more positive vibes?
I have a pretty cool idea.
I’m new to this bloggery concept, so bare with me…
I have invented a linky party called #winwithSqueaks. It’s a virtual mixer-type thingy and we will be giving away a prize to the winner of a drawing chosen live over a video!
I’m sure you’re all wondering what the prize will be for Pipsqueak’s 5lb Purpose #winwithSqueaks.
I want to help all y’all recover from the holiday rush and enjoy time with your purpose(s). I wanted to do something special for you
because I am thankful for my bloggery visitors and want to help others cope with the stress and confusion that face quite a few of us.
•••Win a $15 Amazon Giftcard
•••In addition to my prize, Wise Little Hoots has decided to join and add in a $15.00 Amazon gift card!
Click here to see her page!!!
So $30 total!!!
So what’s this entail? #winwithSqueaks will be happening until February 13 and the winner will be announced on Valentine’s Day! We love our viewers!!
There are a few rules, I want to keep things fair ☺️
Make sure you follow these rules to be eligible to win:
• I made a special poster for the linky party. Please put the banner at the bottom of the post you are submitting, or post it publicly on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.
You can post once on 2 different sources: WordPress, Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter.Remember… Good vibes only 🤗
• Please do leave a quick comment to show us that you have read all about our bloggery party. ANYONE AND EVERYONE ARE ENCOURAGED TO PARTICIPATE!
• Make sure that you enter your correct email address. If I can’t find a way to contact you, I can’t tell you that you won.
• You’ll get an entry for following, liking and commenting on each of our blogs, find hers here! And then for extra entries be sure to share our posts on your favorite social media sites using our hashtags (Mine is #winwithsqueaks and hers is #winwithboo) and posting one of our linky party banner.
•For an RT please tweet your post to @heyjupiter21 with the hashtag #winwithsqueaks. Tag ‘5lb_purpose’ on instagram, if you chose to 🙂
I’m hoping that 5lbPurpose.com can become a platform for people to talk openly about many issues that they may come across in daily life. We can help each other with our experience in the stressors of daily life.
Help us spread the word and add your posts so that we can spread positive vibes all around 💜
Thank you all for visiting, being pretty dang cool, and being you.
bLoCk pArTy part:
Her blog is Wise Little Hoots and she blogs about motherhood, planning and recovery. She spreads inspiration to others about what has worked for her. She’s quite the inspiration and I’m proud to call her my friend. Her son is quite the adorable little dude, and quite a hoot! 😄Visit her blog at wiselittlehoots.com.
One trait I learned, honestly, was problem solving. Between my mom and my dad, anything could be fixed and every problem could be solved.
Recently, my friend was complaining about his windows fogging up no matter what his defroster was set on, I explained there is an easy fix to that: put an old sock filled with kitty litter on your dash.
That got me thinking… We all have a little bit of information to share that others may not know. Im going to take this as an opportunity to share life hacks that have helped me and some I have learned from my friends.
•obviously, sock of rice for fog
•Vinegar can clean anything! I run it through my coffee makers, put a cup of it in my clothes, and sporadically spray it on my carpet before I leave.
•Old toilet paper rolls as extension cord holders…
•A straw makes a quick strawberry hull
•Unused teabags in shoes 👞
•freeze onions for 10 min before you cut them and that dampens the scent. When you’re done cutting them, rinse your hands with lemon juice. 🍋
•Put a paste of baking soda and water over a splinter and after 15 minutes or so it will pop right out!
•Also, a penny on a bee sting!
•Put your toaster on its side to make cheesy bread if you don’t have a fancy shmancy microwave like the one Mikey got for Ri 🙂
•Rubbing alcohol gets permanent marker off of stuff! I occasionally write notes for myself with sharpies 🙂 occasionally, meaning: constantly.
•Marshmallows for sore throats… not sure how or why, but it works!
•Hiccups: let a teaspoon of salt dissolve in your mouth, or drink a glass of water with a butter knife in it to monitor the consistency and duration of your intake.
•Lipbalm on paper cuts gets rid of that sting!
Baby oil hacks:
- Makeup remover
- Remove stickers and sticky film left behind from stickers or price tags
- Bandaids too 🙂
- Gets gum out of hair
- Zipper unjamer
- Stainless steel polish
- Keep mosquitoes away (dryer sheets do too)
- Remove jewelry (and stain left by not so real jewelry)
- Remove mildew on shower curtains
Hacks shared by friends 🙂
Jason puts his coffee pot beside his bed to expedite his consumption of the heavenly beverage called coffee ☕️ (Jessica did before, too) 😂
If Blaine loans something to someone, he takes their picture holding it so he remembers who has it. Super smart!!! If Blaine would have borrowed my sunglasses, I would have this picture to remind me.
Jessica just started keeping a list of when she did things last… when she replaces household items, things like changing the fire alarm batteries or washing her windows (stuff you only do like once or twice a year) Organization!!
Chelsea is a night person and hates mornings, so she gets everything ready the night before so she can literally wake up, go to the bathroom, get dressed, get the kid dressed, and walk out the door.
She also writes herself notes on my phone of important things I need to remember. Because, lets face it, “if I don’t write it somewhere I’ll forget it.” Honesty is the best policy! I am the same way. I think that means we are spatial learners? I’ve always assumed that.
She’s a teacher and she switches classrooms at work, so she has a bin in every classroom where she puts the papers and supplies she needs for the day so she doesn’t have to sift through her paperwork in her bag at every transition. Organization at its finest!
My friend, Lindee, seems to always have something clever. She is giving credit to alcohol consumption. I, too, feel more intelligent when I consume alcohol. It makes the interpersonal communication with the general public more appealing. 🤪
If you have some hacks not mentioned, please comment them and share your knowledge!
#lifehacks #momhacks #fog #spatialintelligence #thrifty
On New Year’s Day, I read my dear friend, @Jesyka1vee: Wise Little Hoots blog “How to create a vision board” and was inspired to create one with my 2 older daughters. It’s a work in progress, but it’s a very good activity to do with your children and for yourself.
One thing I kept emphasizing, especially to my favorite middle-daughter, is you can’t do anything wrong: it’s yours. I explained that just like her, her vision board is perfect the way it is, perfect or not.
All 3 of my beautiful girls are gifted and talented in their own ways, but my middle daughter is a
perfectionist. I understand her frustration, because I too have been a perfectionist. Before therapy, I was very ‘black and white’. It’s either perfect, or it’s a disaster. What I have learned over the last couple years, I have tried to share with you through my bloggery.Don’t sweat the small stuff, don’t worry because it’s only borrowing trouble. There is a gray area.
I was heartbroken to see her so frustrated over little details, I was trying to create a fun project with the little time I get with them. I wish I could do more projects with them, namely her, to show what I’m learning in therapy. I’m beyond excited to continue the project next week.
I think we will celebrate with cheesecake, Frappuccinos, and pineapple Teavanas. 💜
To be continued…
This is a great blog by a close friend, and my next blog will explain my attempt. Check it out!!
#visionboard #crafting #planning #inspiration
Over the past couple of years, I have been working very hard to acquire happiness, and every day I have woke up, I’ve attained just a smidge more positivity.
I have welcomed some new friends into my life, and I’ve become closer with some familiar friends that I felt happiness when I associated with. In an attempt to come “out of my shell”, I’ve done some (rational and calculated) spur of the moment things. I’ve never liked the #yolo(you only live once), but it’s very true. Life is so short and you truly have to enjoy the time that your here.
Nobody can take away your pain, so don’t let anyone steal your happiness.
I have, unfortunately, let some inauspicious people from my past make me angry. Most of us have allowed someone to make us angry. ONE MINUTE you are angry is SIXTY SECONDS of happiness that the person who made you angry, stole. Don’t let anyone steal your happiness.
Don’t let silly little things steal your happiness
Is it really THAT big of a deal? If it’s not, don’t let the fret steal your happiness.
7 more things that steal your happiness😫:
- Complaining✖️: you are what you speak, the fruit of our lips is what feeds the soul.
- Procrastination✖️: don’t put off something that you can check off of your to do list.
- Gossip✖️: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. Ephesians 4:29
- Approval seeking✖️: being liked by everyone is over-rated.
- Not keeping your word✖️: keep your joy by being careful with your commitments.
- Negative self-talk✖️: don’t be your own worst enemy.
- Attachment to circumstances✖️: learn to detach from circumstances and handle change with finesse.
Happiness is not a destination, it’s a journey 🙋♀️
7 steps to achieve happiness:
- Think less, feel more ✔️
- Frown less, smile more ✔️
- Talk less, listen more✔️
- Judge less, accept more✔️
- Watch less, do more✔️
- Complain less, appreciate more✔️
- Hate less, love more ☑️💞
For the first time in my life, I am truly happy I’m alive. I’m not perfect, and that’s ok. I’m not in a relationship, and that’s ok. There are some things that steal my happiness, but when I review the fact that I’m more focused on happiness than retaliation, it gives me peace that tomorrow will always be better because it’s one step further into my journey through life.
7 things I’m personally happy about:
- I have 3 beautiful daughters that I’m incredibly proud of! I may not see them as much as I would like to, but gosh, they are beautiful, smart, and God used me to create them!!!
- I have wonderful parents. Whether they are near or far, I know that they love me and care for me.
- I have loving family. They are limited, a majority of my family is emotionally distant, but there are a handful of family members that I know truly love me.
- I own a beautiful home. Home is where the heart is 💞
- I have amazing friends! I’m so thankful for each one of you, I really am. Do me a favor and think of the last time we laughed. Wasn’t that funny?! 😉
- I’m healthy. I may not be 100% but I’m breathing and alive. 👍
- I’m blessed by the Grace of God. He has given me a sound mind and a big heart that work together everyday ⭐️
#peaceful #thankful #happiness #peace #respect #daughters #family
Mistakes are proof you’re trying. If you are making mistakes, you’re learning. You are growing. You are trying new things that you’ve never tried before and taking chances.
Mistakes aren’t necessarily bad. Repeating the mistakes is bad.
Don’t beat yourself up. Learn from them and move forward.
There were times in my life when I would cut myself off from society when I made a mistake. Something would blow out-of-proportion/in my face leaving me in despair, and I would go to that dark place and give myself the hardest trial imaginable. I am, and have always been, my worst enemy.
So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes.
Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before.
Don’t hesitate, don’t isolate, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect;
You’re not insufficient.
Whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.
Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.
I’m so very proud of my 3 daughters,they are scared to do things every morning when they wake up, but they conquer life every moment of every day.
I love you girls more than you will ever know. Thank you for teaching me to, in the words of Dori, “just keep swimming.” 🌊🐟
#mistakes #effort #strength #daughters #love