So my oldest daughter asked me if I ever loved her dad. Well, let me start from the beginning. I was a 17-year old server he, as a manager, took into the office and seduced,… More
I’m so excited that I have got to spend more time with my youngest, but it doesn’t repair the fact that I am completely alienated from my older two daughters.
I enjoy life with my youngest, they enjoy life with my youngest, but we’ve never get to enjoy life together.
I would love to take them to the zoo, I would love to take them to COSI, I would love to take them to a waterpark, recreational park, hiking, swimming, gym, I would love to do anything with the three of them together.
It is been brought to my attention that they are not interested in having more time with me. Their father filed a motion asking to cease the one hour I get a week with them, because that’s what they want.
I find that hard to believe because I enjoy and love the time with my daughters so much. Do they really hate me? Have I really been that bad of a mom? Their paternal family has almost completely alienated them from their maternal family, myself included, so why would they want a mom? Their lives are completely fine without one, or so they are led to believe.
I’m heartbroken because I have lost so much time with my daughters and they have moved on without me... I’m out of their lives. There’s no reparation that they are interested in. There’s nothing I can do to show them I’m not the monster they believe I am. There’s nothing I can do to show them I have loved them since before they were born. I have done everything I could to provide them with a happy future, but they have moved on without me. I was never perfect, and I made mistakes. I’m sorry for the mistakes that I have made.
There are no second chances with them, and I’m heartbroken.
I am trying to raise money for psychological evaluations… I need help. I simply don’t have the funds. I want to be able to go to therapy with my daughters to be the mom they need, but I’m so alienated, I don’t even know what that is.
I guess I should focus on my youngest and wait for my older daughters to decide if they want a mother.
Sorry for the heartbroken blog, but I have realized I failed at being a mother, twice, but I won’t fail with Alyssa. Maybe I will meet my Prince Charming and have the family I’ve always dreamed of, but for now it’s just Alyssa and I.
Thank you for stopping and come again soon.
Ok… so 3 things I have in common with all 3 of my daughters are part of the title…
- Science (stay tuned about our visit to COSI)
I have had the opportunity to spend some incredible time with my youngest. At 11:24am on April 4, 2018 my life was miraculously changed. I will remember that time and day along the lines of the birth of a child… my phone rang and I was told news that would change my life, and it did.
I have a newer, more sparkly way of looking at life. I feel immortal and whimsical, but just like Mario, I have to keep and eye out for King Koopa, who is always kidnapping Princess Peach. The difference between my life and the Mushroom Kingdom is that I never recall Bowser making the slight attempt to be considerate to Mario. Hypothetically, I think that Mario would be indefatigably skeptical, as I am. Smile and wave, Mario. Smile and wave.
I do and always have enjoy(ed) great makeover-time with my daughters. Emma, Lily, and I have enjoyed some facials lately, including microdermabrasion. I have so many fond memories of makeovers and such! Alyssa (Pipsqueak) also loves when we touch up our make-up in the bathroom. I have assembled a small makeup kit with brushes (used, for more of an authentic look), a foundation sponge, some empty powder containers, lip gloss, and whatever else I could throw in there🤪. She puts lotion on her foundation sponge and blots it over her face. She loves our primping time, but not as much as I do 🙂
Another thing I have been doing is listening to more music and watching less tv (namely Lucifer. Dang his accent. 😍) I have been making playlists, namely for my ‘Squeaky‘ car rides. Alyssa loves a handful of songs, ranging from Hillsong United, to Indie pop.
I’ve also made a playlist for my 11-year-old, Lillian. It’s mostly Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, but there’s a song from The Clash on it. I’m embarrassed to say that I secretly love T-Swizzle, despite what my close friends of the earlier part of this decade may believe 😂 darn catchy tunes. One of my closest friends, Mikey, knows a lot about her. I think he and I are gonna start an anonymous TAYTAY support group.
Emma’s playlist consists of punk and power pop. I have become addicted to pop meets punk… er punk meets pop… well, the ensnaring of punk/pop. That’s become my workout music, my playlist is a mix of the 3 threads of my daughters’ playlists with some 90’s, alternative rock, and classic rock added. I love me some Van Hagar 😍!
So back to the working out… as you all know I was in an automobile-accident in 2015 that put me into a 2-month coma with a Traumatic Brain Injury. I have been trying so hard to achieve happiness and contentment with my 2nd chance at life. I celebrated my 3-year ‘rebirthday‘ April 10, 2018. I have been wanting to make more of an effort to improve my physical body, and there’s no better time than now. Over the last 3 years, I have reached out to different wellness centers nearby, and none of them felt welcoming. I was trying to learn what types of activities would benefit my shortcomings, and it was hard to even get a return call. A week or two ago, I visited a local sports and wellness center, The Fieldhouse, and talked to the owner, Mic Amicone, and the President, Alainna Amicone-Durfee. They were very excited to help me start on the path to taking control of my physical situation minutes into our first conversations. It gave me a good feeling, and hope ☺️.
In the beginning, there was light!
My right-foot doesn’t cooperate, which is my biggest setback, among other things. I started on a cycle-trainer and felt good about my progress, so after about 30 minutes of that, I decided to check out a cardio class, which was kind of a big jump on day 1… the instructor, Tressa Reilly, who I found out was also the Director of Group Fitness, was very friendly and gave tips for my maximum benefit without making me feel uncomfortable (I mean, I’m obviously not 100%!) I stayed the entire class and gave it my best shot. Alainna and Tressa asked me after class what my goal was, and I told them to kick a soccer ball. So do you know what they did? They encouraged me to do it. AND I DID IT! I feel invincible… like a million bucks. I fell, and I didn’t kick it well, but I achieved my goal… because I can do anything I put my mind and heart to.
My conclusion is that when King Koopa tries to spit fire at you and succeeds at stealing Princess Peach, stay:
- Strong (emotionally and physically)
- Positive and optimistic
- Rational and respectful
Utilize the friends and skills you have. There are many challenges ahead and the road will get tougher…in due time, you will conquer. You will be stronger than you believe you ever were or could be.
You will save Princess Peach.
Thank you for stopping by! Subscribe so you can see what’s on my mind, next 😘 come again, soon!
Well, I’ve made the decision to devote this bloggery to a pandemic: parental alienation. It has affected me for going on 3 years.
I was recently a guest on a great internet-radio show, Far From Normal. I have learned a lot and have embraced what is near to my heart.
I don’t want drama.
I don’t want negativity.
I just want to be a mom to the daughters that I have brought into this world.
I formed them inside of me and I have become a victim of alienation from them. I take responsibility for not handling everything perfectly, but I will use the excuse of the mental despair that alienation causes. There are far too many malefactors in, not only my case, but quite a few cases.
What is happening is that enemies are putting themselves above what is best for the children. Assailants are aspersing each other. In my case, it was my children’s fathers’ previous attorney and not only them, but namely the females in their lives that caused thousands of dollars in improvidence and thousands of hours of melancholy.
Lie after lie, after lie have been formulated in an attempt to bring me down, and did (successfully) for a small amount of time. I have done nothing but accept responsibility for my faults and have learned to grow.
My daughter’s fathers are 100% their fathers, despite who I chose to have in my life, and guess what? I am 100% their mother. I have never tried to replace them, and I stand firm that I never will.
I have been told that I need to just die by one of said women. Of course she isn’t owning up to saying it. I’m owning up to things that I have said or done that I’m not proud of, but that’s what gives me the confidence to fight back toward hatred and animosity. I don’t have to deactivate and reactivate my social media and I sleep well at night, because even though I am not friends with my daughter’s fathers’, I’m respecting them and not creating arduous accusations and lies to contravene them.
Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect, is itself a form of child abuse.
For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is dangerous and formidable.
The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent:
- low self-esteem
- lack of trust
- substance abuse and other forms of addiction
Parental Alienation and Parental Substitution
Parental substitution is exactly what it sounds like. Replacing a parent with another, giving the child the impression (and ultimately, if allowed to go on long enough, the conclusion) that someone other than the child’s parent is really the parental figure. If the biological parent isn’t, or has no interest in being, in the child’s life that’s an exception to this summary.
What I am implying as improper parental substitution: a father and his girlfriend have influenced his son or daughter to believe she has two mothers – his girlfriend and the child’s biological mother. Let’s further assume in our hypothetical this parental substitution has gone on for many years before the biological parent got any rights, even though she was actively (though not equally) involved in the child’s life and even though she was weary of what he saw.
This is not unusual and when any parent, father or mother, sees him or herself being replaced in the child’s eyes, that parent experiences, what is now recognized in the DSM-V as an official disorder. Thanks to the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is now, basically, logged in as an official disorder. The new (more broad) category of “child psychological abuse” is defined as “non-accidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to the child.”
My older daughters aren’t sure what to believe. They get one hour a week with me and 167 hours a week without me. That one hour is not enough time to try and prove that I’m not as much of a miscreant as I’m implied to be. My youngest and I have a far better relationship, but it’s obvious that she is confused. I know that she knows I am her mother. I can sense where my mother is and has been because of a special bond that we have, and I know for a fact that my youngest and I have that bond, as well. I’m hoping my older daughters chose to have me in their lives, but I respect that, at this moment, they do not. It doesn’t change the amount of love I have for them, nor does it change the amount of sorrow my heart feels by missing them.
We can all agree that the world needs to learn respect toward one another, but this blog, specifically, calls out parents and step-parents. Try to show respect to each other, for the kids.
Thank you for stopping by, come again soon 💜
I have heard and felt many times “I just don’t know what to believe”. What I have realized is, your mind/heart can be deceptive and circumventing.
I know mine can be.
I have seen many people put on a faultless illusion of their intentions, and I have been guilty in the past, especially before I started seeing a psychologist that put so much into perspective. I have been told, “I just want things to get better!” and my past blog Actions speak louder than words, I discussed that when everything is said and done, there is almost always more said than done.
1 Actions speak louder than words
2 Practice what you preach
3 Don’t say one thing and do another
I made the comment about my ex-husband in my past blog that bothered a couple people. I’m sorry and I respect that it bothered you, but please respect how it was viewed to me.
I feel very strongly that it was fake for him to sit by my side and moments later turn deceptively calamitous toward me.
Yes, I am very hurt by what transpired after he rejected me, but I did not deserve the evil things he has done to me. I do not deserve how his mom has treated me. They have constructed lie after lie in an effort to make me miserable. They are failing. I continue to pray for them, as they are blinded by their behavior.
I stand firm that some of the people from my past are very atrocious in their behavior, and I’m not sure if they even acknowledge how calamitous their behavior is. I have no interest in ever speaking to (a majority) of them again.
Actions show much more of a personal commitment than words do.
Nonchalant words contradict merited action. With actions, it shows that you have actually altered your behavior/put forth effort to make something happen coinciding with the objective of your words.
I’m so tired of living in the past!
I shared a friend’s post on book of face the other day, and wrote this:
Why do people put on facades?
- Avoid judgment
- Gain acceptance
What is the end game of people who put on a facade?
The end game of deception is recognition of a lie in one whom you thought to be truthful. This isn’t putting your best foot forward to create an initially positive first impression.
Facades can become deeper and more complex as time goes on.
Its contingent upon how insecure or emotionally imbalanced someone is. A person who has self respect/a feeling of self worth won’t feel the need to incorporate any level of facade, as they are genuinely interested in the person they are getting to know, rather than the audacious focus on how they are coming across.
Energy attracts similar energy.
What you put out, comes back to you. If you put out a duplicitous energy, that is what others will give back to you. 🔄
Ultimately, it is the law of karma that is the end game.💯
Why does society reward those who suppress their true selves to put on a perfect facade while we all hate fake people and having to be fake ourselves?🤔Because we live in a feel good society. We’re much more concerned about a quick fix instead of a temporary solution.
We want it here- we want it now. ✅
Society is like this because
1) people are lazy. 💤
2) if you’re born into a specific behavior, you are raised in that behavior, and therefore that behavior becomes the only reality you know➡️ so it’s very hard for the later generations to make changes. 😩
- It is first accepted.
- Then is is adopted.
- As it fosters with time, people become familiarize with it.
- Then it becomes normal.
So in conclusion, make wise decisions, and follow your gut instinct. Your mind and heart can be deceptive.
We all know the the last few years have been rough. Not just on me, on almost everyone. I can’t say I’m the only person that struggles, I know I am not the only one.
Life can be hard!
What I have learned is that a cliche quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, that I have attempted to live by most of my life, is very true:
Most of you know my story. I woke up from a coma, and had lost nearly everything. My body. My baby. My house. My boyfriend. My job. My independence. Quite a bit.Thankfully my daughters were not physically harmed… And thankfully I SURVIVED (it has taken me years to understand that 😊).
I was so thankful that my parents were by my side. There were other
people from my past by my side, and I was vulnerable and naive. Those people from my past were mentally preparing for my death. I had a difficult time coping with the events that occured, as I have previously discussed. I thought my failed marriage was going to rekindle due to the fact my ex-husband and his mother had sat by my side nearly the entire time I was in the hospital.
On what would have been our 12th anniversary, he revealed to me that he had no interest in rekindling the family I was working so hard to redeem, mentally and physically. It put my arbitrarily poor mental health into a most-damaging state. I have accepted that there are bitter emotions on both sides, but there is no reciprocal effort for peace.
I have spent the last 3 years attempting to and successfully improving myself. I am really proud of how far I have come. Unfortunately in that time, I have allowed quite a few people to manipulate me, but I’m no longer beating myself up, I’m learning and I’m growing. There have been lies upon lies being either constructed or conceived as truthful by a number of people (myself included).
I just don’t know what to believe.
I can only go by facts. Hatred and hostility,anger and arbitration, cruelty and coarseness are being disembogued.
There is evil in the world, I know that for a fact. My parents have made an effort to instill in me that you CAN NOT trust anyone but yourself💯. I have always had a big heart and tried to trust quite a few people, but I am realizing I could not and should not. It’s very unfortunate.
The moral of this heartfelt rant:
You have to stay positive and optimistic, even in the darkest of times.
You have to trust yourself, and if you can not, work toward improving yourself to the point where you can.
You have to trust in The Power that controls your life. My God is the power that controls mine.
I’m thankful for the few people that I know I can, reciprocally, depend on to listen to me scream/cry and celebrate our individual victories.
I told a dear-friend today that it makes my heart super-happy to celebrate their victories with them, and it really does give me joy.
Most of all, I’m thankful for my father, Rick, my mother, Pam, and my Creator.
I love you all. 💜
Thank you for visiting, come again soon (:
*if you ever need to vent, I have an ear, shoulder, and heart. EMAIL ME. It will get better! Sending positive vibes🌈✨😊✨
Ok, so over the last couple of years, I have (finally) accepted that social media is the devil.
I’m not perfect, but I’m (more) cognitive of things I (should and should not) post on social media.
Some people that I have really thought highly of have, over-dramatically, attempted to hurt me via social media. Again, I’m not innocent in reciprocating. I’m disappointed in all of us.
I have seen others hurting or trying to hurt over social media, and that makes me sad.
I have seen family turn their back on family because of social media, and that makes me sad.
I have seen people post personal problems that they should not have posted, and that makes me sad.
Things I feel are stunted by social media:
Interpersonal communication/non-verbal behavior:
the real world has many opportunities to be inclusive, unfortunately, the internet prevents verbal communication and the development of social cues. Non-verbal communication over the Internet is nearly impossible to read. Am I laughing or and I saying this sternly? You don’t know. Positive messages are read as more neutral than they are intended to be; neutral messages are read as more negative as they are intended to be and one can only imagine what happens with messages that are intended to be negative. Also, you lose the ability to interact, mindfully, in the moment.
it’s hard to learn how to cooperate with others on the Internet.
I don’t know how many nights I have lost sleep over social-media drama. I’m 100% I’m not the only one. If you haven’t been directly bothered, you have been bothered by someone close that has.
Things get posted that are not appropriate for others to see, and over time, it has caused our standards to decrease, leading to increased sexual immorality. It’s a downward spiral.
it’s so easy to tear someone down if you’re not looking at the tears rolling down their face. I can say that first-hand, I’ve said some hurtful things, and never thought twice about the recipient. I’ve cried from it being done to me.
THE REAL WORLD:
Go outside! Smell the flowers! Yes you can see them on social media, but YOU CAN ALSO SEE THEM IN PERSON!!
Last night around 8:00pm, I was texting a great friend, and this texting/social media thing has been eating at my last nerve. I asked him to meet me, IN PERSON (weird, nowadays) and really enjoyed eating fries and drinking sodas with him! I mentioned my frustration with the portrait that social media paints about everyone. The people, in real-life, aren’t as crazy as social media portrays them.
Take this time and review your social media.
What does it say about you as a person?It’s not that you or I need to impress anyone, but I feel we need to present ourselves with pride, not trashy-dramatic-condescending trash. A lot of the things I have mentioned above, I have been guilty of. I’m trying to clean up my act in 2018 and
I’m proud of the woman/mother/person I’m trying to be
and my confidence reflects my presentation. Again, I’m certainly not perfect and I have flaws. But gosh darn it, I’m trying. 😊
I delete/ignore/block the provocation and drama. There isn’t anybody that has time for it 😂💯
Thanks for reading and stop back soon!!!
Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.
Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.
I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.
The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.
When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”
“It’s April, there is no snow.”
“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”
The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.
“When can I go home?”
“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”
“When can I go back to work?”
“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”
“Why can’t I walk?”
“You may never walk again.”
“What happened to my baby?”
“I’m sorry, you lost him.”
I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.
I wanted a family.
I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.
Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.
Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.
There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.
Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.
I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,
Give it your best shot!
You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯
I posted to my social media account my observance of my strength. The last couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I am now to the point where I am calm, collected, peaceful, etc. I am very happy and very content despite the troubled adversaries I’m forced to converge with.
When only one party is making an effort to be respectful and cooperative, it can be difficult. I look at this intricate time as a test, and I’m quite confident in saying that I will do quite well, namely in the 4 weeks to come.
A close friend of mine has been encouraging me to take a few moments to myself and relax. I’m consistently advising you acquaintances to celebrate you and look for positivity, but rarely do I take the time to advise you “proactively”. By advising you, I am suggesting you do (something).
Sometimes it’s good to say ME.
I offered a friend some money for helping me with a project. I had sold some items that weren’t important to me and saved up some money. She declined. I had told a close friend about it and he advised I use it in some time of relaxation technique. I politely declined because I’m not selfish. 🙄😂
I spend quite a bit of time video chatting with a gentleman-friend. Last night, I was complaining of my forehead dimple. I had never noticed it before, but I guess when you get to be old like me, you have wrinkles pop out of nowhere. 🤷♀️
I immediately decided that I needed to have a microdermabrasion. I spent the remainder of our video chat session researching where I wanted to get my microdermabrasion. I knew I wanted it mechanically, I’ve had them manually and I wasn’t impressed.
Well, I woke up this morning and decided for the first time in YEARS, I deserved a spa day to reward me for all I have went through on the journey to today.
I made an appointment at one of my favorite local spas where I received a very relaxing facial that included machine microdermabrasion. Wow. It had been YEARS since I had a spa day, and it was beyond relaxing. What a blessing in disguise, they were running a special today only! 🎉 I was able to share my story and self-improvement bloggery concept with not only my aesthetician, Kim, and a couple others. That made my heart happy. 💜 I told them about my 5.3, 4.8 and 4.4lb purposes ending it with they have shown me that I am my purpose. 🙏
I took myself to the mall and purchased a couple AE shirts that were on sale. I sauntered and hastily took my time, because I deserve it.
I felt led to call a close friend I had been worried about, while I stopped for an afternoon latte. God had placed her on my heart. She lives an hour or so away, and so unselfishly volunteered to help me with an upcoming project, but I know her life is demanding. As I was talking to her, I felt as though I, personally, needed to hear it.
Here are the things I told her:
Let it out: yes, confide in a trusted ally. If you don’t, you will burst. I have a couple friends that I trust and are there for me, and this bloggery is also a release-portal.
Be forgiving: of yourself, of others, of everyone.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. As simple as that.
Breathe. In/out/repeat. Which leads me to…
Treat yourself to a mini-vacation. Even if it’s to McDonald’s for an hour to drink a cup of coffee and work on your Star Chef (app) cafe, or Bermuda for a week. It’s the same if you breathe and evaluate your sabbaticals
Treat yourself to a Prince (RIP #ArtistFormallyKnownAs🥂) shirt
Everyone knows no Stephanie day would be complete without a stop at a local thrift store. 😂 My day got even more awesome as I purchased cd’s (5 for$1) to play in Pipsqueak’s karaoke machine. I picked out 10 great cds for karaoke time and background music, but 2 caught my attention rapidly.
A local band that will ever have a legacy (Marbles for Eyes, Matthew Busybee Smith). I have their CD, but I couldn’t pass it up.
To Venus and Back, Tori Amos, Atlantic/1999- I bought it for 1,000 Oceans, but belted it in my vanaoke-session on the way home. The lyrics put my day into perspective… relaxation calms the spirit. I need to take care of my soul.
It clicked after I reflected on my day with a close friend:
The moral of the story is:
STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES! 🙂
Ok, Mike, Mariah, and Jordan, next up… meditation… promise.
I’ve had a rough couple years… as my previous blogs have declared, I’ve made mistakes, and i accept responsibility for them. Have people in my life made them? It doesn’t matter. Have people in my life caused them? It doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m learning and growing. I have a great support system that I can depend on, and I’m super thankful.
Originally, I had planned to blog about the sermon I heard on Sunday, however, I feel led to blog about much more.
When my daughters are not with me, I miss them, dearly. I love them more than they will ever know. I love their beautiful personalities that shine through their talents. All 3 of my daughters are granted with the same artistic talents, but they each have such individual strengths.
I love my oldest daughters artistic nature… She can draw her emotion with a stroke of her hand. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.
My second born has a freaking BEAUTIFUL voice. When I hear her sing, whether it’s Ariana Grande or Shawn Mendez, she brings tears to my eyes. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.
And Pipsqueak 👩👩👧👧
My youngest has such a big heart, for only being 20 months old. Her heart shows through her smile and her laugh. When I want a hug, she runs to me and squeezes me tight. I have a feeling my 5lb purpose is slightly powerful over me because I basically was crying to my best friend that I couldn’t get a toy I had bought for her to work at 3am yesterday. I think I’m going to exhaust myself by planning to apprehend her smile.
Not spending every minute with them is difficult. I try to find things to occupy my time so I don’t become overwhelmed with sadness.
So the sermon I previously mentioned was quite intense. It was the first time I had visited this particular church on a Sunday, and I was called by God to hear this message…
The whole chapter is awesome, but namely verses 18-21:
18 “Known to God from eternity are all His works. 19 Therefore I judge that we should not trouble those from among the Gentiles who are turning to God, 20 but that we write to them to abstain from things polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from things strangled, and from blood. 21 For Moses has had throughout many generations those who preach him in every city, being read in the synagogues every Sabbath.”
So basically… it’s easy to judge others, especially people you feel are inferior to you.
7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”
3 drifts that need to be avoided:
- Cliques: they’re everywhere. Let’s face it… if someone doesn’t agree with you, they must be wrong. 🙄 *rolls eyes*
- Toward law and away from grace: in the fore-mentioned scripture, Acts 15, it basically pointed out that a whole lot of judging was going on between people serving the same God. We are a very diverse nation, and sitting around judging people for how they choose to believe (or not believe)- ‘law’ is contradictory to the comportment that almost all beliefs/religions propel… I have been barraged for wearing a controversial pentacle necklace (see comments for the past blog If it means a lot to you). Whomever commented was more concerned with the stereotypical impression of what 5-sided shape could possibly represent, that she missed the point of the blog… don’t judge… isn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
- Preserving instead of advancing: 2 Corinthians 5 clears that drift. Whether you believe in the Bible or not, this is a good point: the idiom ‘live and learn’ rings strong in this scripture. See ‘Drift #2’… don’t miss the point. We live. We learn. As Superchic(k) once said, “we live, we learn. We forgive, and never give up because the days we are given are gifts…”
There isn’t much structure in my life or my daughters’ lives, but thankfully there is structure of faith. Alyssa loves to sing about ‘baby jesus’ and the fact that she has faith as a structure makes my heart happy, so I burned a Hillsong United cd for her to sing to in her karaoke machine next time she comes home. I included one of my favorite songs, 10,000 reasons. Irregardless of the details of your faith and/or opinion, we can all agree that respect is very significant essential.
Let’s learn to co-exist for our children. Let’s set good examples of respect and train them in the way that they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.
I’m willing to try, are you?
Something that therapy has taught me these last couple years is that I have had struggles with boundaries and have determined I’m a codependent person. I know I have a big heart, but I let that cloud my rational thinking.
I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and she mentioned she has been helping a friend out that is going through some challenges, and I offered the advice of setting boundaries in an effort to challenge her friend regarding the struggles that she needs to overcome.
Over the last 2 years, I have been going through challenges myself and I have depended on close friends that I’ve confided in to help me make positive boundaries. Not only do I have the luxury of intensive psychology sessions, but I have the luxury of good, rational friends to help keep me on track. As difficult as my journey is and has been, I’m very thankful and proud of the woman I’m becoming and have become. I’m going to share with you some things that I have learned and am learning.
Types of Boundaries:
▪ Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.
▪ Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?
▪ Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.
▪ Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.
▪ Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.
▪ Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.
The hard part:
It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:
1 Their self-esteem is minimal/nonexistent
2 They are not in touch with their self-identity
3 They put others’ needs and feelings above their own
4 They believe setting boundaries would jeopardize the relationship
5 They never learned to have healthy boundaries in their past
In the past 6 months, I have taken these steps while learning how to establish my boundaries:
- Baby steps: I set smaller boundaries like minimizing text messages and calling. There are a handful of people that will call me a liar (one of which is my attorney😂), then I progressed to keeping my phone away when I was with another person. I’m not perfect, but I’m making an effort.
- Follow through: When I feel that someone is crossing my boundary, I assertively communicate it. If I’m crossing a boundary or feel I’m at risk of crossing a boundary, I will separate myself from the situation.
- Hire a marketing director: I’m going to cite my marketing directors in this article. It’s my best-friend and my best-friend-in-law 😂😂😂. I’m so appreciative that they are always a phone call away to give me sound, rational advice. Sometimes they have to be the bad guys, but I trust them with my life and I know that whenever I’m in a bind, they have my back. Mikriah, I have your backs if and when you ever need me. 💯 I love you guys. 💜
- Love you and Celebrate you: writing this blog has really helped me to not only discuss my faults, but acknowledge my strengths. I’m learning how to amalgamate those antonyms.
- Drake said it best, “I like a woman with a future and a past.” I reflected on my recent environment and guys that i have dated. For the most part, I felt they needed me to help them take care of their kids and/or them, for 10 years I was a submissive housewife, dated a guy that had a sick perversion of what submission was, quite a few relationships with men that I wrongfully held higher than myself because, well, i didn’t think highly of myself. I’m having a hard time finding someone that I’m willing to put effort into getting to know because I’m dating myself. For the first time in my life, I willingly took myself out to lunch at a nice restaurant. Aside from relationships, I don’t feel I was surrounding myself with much optimism. It felt good, because I’m worth it. Also, look at your history: how were you raised? Were your friends and family codependent? Did you learn it honestly? In my case, my parents weren’t because my parents are the best team I have ever seen. They are perfect partners.
- I reflect over the situation: What don’t I like about this? Am I over-stepping a boundary? Do I have control over it? If I don’t, why am I wasting my time thinking about it?
- Permanent Boundary ‘Hall-pass’ : Sometimes I feel/felt if I held a boundary, I would hurt their feelings/I would feel guilty. I give myself permission to create boundaries and I give myself permission to respect those boundaries, and I prohibit myself from feeling overwhelming guilt because of those boundarial observations. (Sometimes I make up words).
- I have become annoyed with beating around the bush. I like directivity. Yes, Jordan. This is the comment about you. If my coffee tastes like crap, don’t tell me it tastes ok. I don’t care if yo momma said never say a woman’s cooking is bad, coffee is not a light subject. I don’t want to hear what you think I want to hear, I want the truth. Yes, even from you, Cassi 💜
- You can tuna fish… but you can’t tune a piano… haha. 2 emotions that cue a boundary crossage for me are discomfort and resentment. If I’m feeling like a 6-10 on either of those emotions, I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated. Discomfort normally is a result of a boundary violation.
- I established my limits. It was hard for me to create boundaries when I was unsure of my limits. I often take a brief moment in a situation to think of it with a wise-mind, a rational-mind, and a smart-mind.
Boundaries are important to me and I’m thankful that I’m learning how to observe them.
Thank you for visiting and stop back soon!
Psych Central. (2016). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/.
Wikipedia (2018). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Michael Curtis, Editor-in-chief, Lead IT Consultant, Personal film critic/journalist, 2018
Mariah Stasik, Marketing Director, Lead Stylist, Head Witch, 2018