The last nine years have been really difficult for me. No one knows the struggles I’ve went through. The first… what, four years or so was the worst. During that time, I was very distraught from my life almost ending: losing a baby, losing my condo, losing my job, losing my daughters, losing my life.

Because of that stress I went through, I’ve lost most of my maternal family and a couple people on my paternal. I’ve also lost my older daughters.

I made some comments about my ex-husband (the one that sat beside me when I was in a coma and backstabbed me in multiple ways when I woke up). I’m sorry. I’ve made comments about him that I regret. I was in love with him for years, but we both changed. I know I said I didn’t but that was my pride. There were conflicts that I couldn’t look past. I thought that after I recovered from the accident, we could try again. Instead, I hooked up with an old acquaintance, thinking that it was “forever”.

I have a beautiful eight-year-old daughter out of that.

For the last couple of years, I have hated my life and wanted to die.

I know that a lot of people say that and don’t mean it. I mean it with all of my heart. It’s to the point where almost every day I want to die. By the Grace of God, I haven’t. is it being afraid that I won’t be successful in the first try? Is it because I think that I can become a better mother? No clue. But I have no intent and I haven’t. I was so relieved when I found out I may have liver cancer. That explains why I’m so fat. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it’s going to kill me. If I could just die without provoking or planning it, that would be just splendid. I thought about making a will and testament that states there will be no kind of services after my death. That’s a really dark thing to randomly think about while you’re doing dishes.

Fourth of July weekend, there was a maternal family picnic. I left sobbing because my mom and dad were the only people that wanted me there. My eight-year-old daughter tried to leave with me, but I told her… They don’t hate you. They hate me. Mostly, my maternal cousin (Erica Jane (Dusenbery-Smith) that I was really close to growing up.

Something happened within the last nine years of confusion and chaos that caused her to hate me, when I walk past her house (on a neighborhood walk) , she comes out, screaming at me.

More recently, my uncle, which was my dad‘s twin passed away. I was forced to face my paternal cousin that I was really close to growing up . Something happened within the last nine years of confusion and chaos that caused her to hate me.

I am left with the thought that I cannot blame anyone else and I need to accept responsibility for why people hate me.

The thing is, we all make mistakes. As I said before, no one knows the struggles that I have went through mentally and physically over the past nine years. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I may look fine, but my brain works very differently. My short term memory is severely affected. I only remember the good memories of my life. I’m judged by the bad things that happened. Emma and Lily say that I was a horrible mom. Well, for the last nine years, I haven’t been able to be a mom, and before the wreck we seemed to get along just fine. I’m pretty sure I bought us all tickets to a Christian concert a week or so before my accident. I was in a very mentally stressful second marriage, the thing was… I just wanted someone to love me. I felt like my parents didn’t love me, I felt like my kids weren’t enjoying all of the endless things I tried to do with them, I didn’t feel loved by anyone.

I have since found out that I have borderline personality disorder. I know, that’s not an excuse for what a “horrible person” I was and am, but my effed up life kind of makes sense after being diagnosed.

I have accepted the fact that I’m probably never going to be a part of my older daughters lives ever again. They hate me, and I have been encouraging myself to have enough self-worth to not desire to be around people that hate me. Unfortunately, that is my maternal family, my paternal family, and my children.

Why don’t you get off your snotty high horse, and understand that life isn’t easy for anyone. Not you, certainly not me, NO ONE. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend text me and called me everything but a white woman. His son is technically kind of my step-grandson. I am forbidden to be part of his life.

I told my parents recently that they are more of parents to Emma and Lily than I am. I was trying to support our family for years, I was trying to be happy for years. My parents helped me a lot in raising Emma and Lily. Unfortunately, my parents are not that close to their youngest two grandchildren. That breaks my heart.

I have retaliated the hatred from my daughters with not very polite stuff and I am deeply sorry for that.

I SAID IM SORRY. Accept it and get over it.

Jessica and Erica, I’m sorry for what I did to piss you off. Yes, I’m going to blame my mental stability after the accident. Move on from the hatred.

STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.

STOP ACCUSING ME OF LIVING IN THE PAST.

STOP THE HATRED.

JUST STOP.