Growing Through It All: A Journey of Self-Discovery and Forgiveness
Lately, I’ve been on this wild journey of growth, and it’s been a real eye-opener. I know I’ve offended a lot of people in the past, and Ive apologized more times than I can count. But what I feel like people don’t get is that I really do admit I’ve messed up, and I’m working hard to be a better person.
Owning Up to My Mistakes
Here’s the thing: I realize now that I let other people’s negativity get to me. Yeah, I’ve been hurt by some people that I mistakenly thought were close to me, but its my choices that led to my mistakes. It’s been tough, but Im finally owning that part of my story. I know my daughters and my family don’t have a whole lot of good things to say about me right now, and I respect that’s their opinion. I still love the ones closest to me, even if things are strained, and I’m feeling kinda ambivalent about my extended family.
Committing to Change
I’m serious when I say I have no plans to drink again. Honestly, I really don’t care about alcohol at all. It wasn’t hard for me to stop because I wasn’t drinking for the feelings it gave me. I was drinking, hoping that each drink would somehow make my life a little better. To be real, I was way more concerned about becoming addicted to Xanax than I ever was about drinking. I haven’t had a drink in 6 months, and I truly don’t care.
Big Feelings and Relationships
I know I’ve offended a lot of people by having big feelings. Anyone who has had a negative impact on my relationship with my children has been viewed as the enemy. I’ll admit, I would’ve done anything to retaliate for the pain they caused me. But I see that now, and I’m working really hard to prevent thoughts of retaliation from ever entering my mind again.
The Influence of Others
Just the other day, my Pastor, John, went with me to a meeting at CPS. When we left, I was feeling very broken, and I was sobbing deeply. He looked at me and said, “What do you care what anyone thinks of you?” I mean I’ve heard that a million times, but that time it really hit home. I realized I’ve been letting other people’s opinions control my actions way too much.
Working Through Fight or Flight
I’m also working hard to get out of fight or flight mode. Since waking up from the coma, Ive been stuck in this endless cycle. For the millionth time, people have no idea how much a diffuse axonal injury strains my ability to say things clearly. I don’t notice until it’s too late. I have minimal trust for anyone, and it’s really scary to feel like everyone wants me to fail. The fact that many people close to me have given up on me and told me I’m not worth their time has really scarred me. I am desperately asking Jesus to help me heal from all this.
Letting Go of Negativity
I’m learning to keep my distance from those who don’t believe I can change. Their negativity is just not something I need in my life right now. Im focusing on managing my emotions and not letting my enemies get under my skin.
A little while ago, my boyfriend sent me a funny TikTok, and even though it had nothing to do with my thoughts, it made me realize how often I let negativity live in my mind rent-free.
Faith and Forgiveness
My faith is a huge part of all this. I really believe in the power of forgiveness—for myself and for those who’ve tried to bring me down. I’ve mentioned before that Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” That quote has stuck with me, and I wanna create some artwork with it. I’m thinking about putting it on my door so I see it every day as a reminder of my worth.
Moving Forward
As I keep going on this journey, I hope to inspire others who are dealing with their own struggles. Growth isnt always a straight path, and it takes time, patience, and a lot of self-reflection. I’m committed to becoming a better person—not just for me, but for everyone around me.
So, if you’re reading this, know that you’re not alone. Let’s embrace our challenges and help each other rise above them.
5lb Purpose 