I know you both resent me for your past. I did the best I could given how I had become pregnant with you, and I tried to make you happy. You’ve been *brainwashed* to only see the bad, and I respect that. You’re goals are to make me miserable, as your dad has. I’m giving up role as you mother and focusing on the 2 children that love and need me. I’m very disappointed in you girls and I hope you understand what mother fucking hell I have been through. Lily sneaks out of her dads house without him knowing, and I’m sorry to say I tried to win her love by purchasing items that she insisted on needing,
Edit: I’m not sure if this was before or after this blog post, but it’s proof she doesn’t want a mother, and with all of her sneaking out and drug use, she obviously has no parents. I have fought so hard to be their mom and it was a waste of time and money.
So I was at the store yesterday buying groceries, and the cashier was not very quick. We live in a society of speed, and I admit I’m not very patient. He was sorting his dollar bills when I used a card for payment… I just sighed and internally rolled my eyes. I wasn’t in a hurry, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. I grabbed my cereal boxes and said I didn’t need a bag for them. I try to use Thirty One bags whenever I can to save the planet and stuff, but I had forgotten them in the van.
Then I noticed something… he was organizing my purchase in the bags, taking items out and moving them to other bags, silently and categorically.
When he handed me the bags, I thanked him for correlating them so well. He shrugged, and proceeded to help the next customer.
It broke my heart. I had determined he was possibly burdened with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
I instantly felt bad that I hadn’t let him bag my cereal.
I was troubled by the thought that in the impatient world today, he may become insulted or harassed for something that he doesn’t have control over.
I was proud of him for having a job and putting such an effort into it.
I was thankful that after suffering a traumatic brain injury, I am able to complete most tasks. I’m beyond blessed that I’m intelligent, efficacious, and perceptive.
I was more thankful that God has given me the heart to discern characteristics in others could possibly increase their daily struggles.
I thought… is there anything I can do to “brighten his day”? As I said, previously, in the impatient world today, he is more than likely insulted or offended. If I had been in a hurry, would I have noticed his diversity? Would I have respected it? To answer my initial question, yes there is something I can do. I can pray for him. I can pray for everyone that comes in contact with him for a peaceful and respectful mannerism.
I can write this blog with the hopes God causes the right eyes to view it.
18 years ago, I received the most amazing gift from God: the title mom. The courier was Miss Emma Leigh Anne Latier. Even though I’m not part of her life, I think about her every single day, and I’m thankful for the years I had her in my life. She is a magnificent young lady, and I’m proud of the person she has become. I pray for her future, that it’s more clear, and more joyful than my past. She probably won’t see this, but as a mother I have to share my celebration with the world. I love her more than she could possibly imagine.
I know I said I wasn’t going to blog, but I’ll do anything to show Emma I love her. 🖤🖤🖤
I’ve wondered for years, why do you hate me so much? We got along well before the wreck and you *seemed* pretty supportive after the wreck, until I asked you if we could try to rekindle our marriage. You said no, and I became depressed. I wanted a family and structure again.
I wondered why I survived the wreck, just 2 months after I woke up from the coma. My house had been sold, my life had basically ended. You also filed a bogus CPO claiming I asked an old landlord and/or her husband to kill you. There was no proof this happened, so I wasn’t charged with conspiracy to commit murder.
Why? Why did you do that to me? You kicked me when I was down. You have me blocked in every way. I have tried to make peace numerous times, but why would you want peace? You get about $400 a month for disability for the girls (even though I never requested a penny of child support after the divorce) and you have completely alienated me. You would get no benefit from the girls having a mom.
People ask me when things went sour with you, and the only thing I can think of is when I woke up from the coma. You wanted me to die. How can anyone not respect the hatred I have toward you: you took my daughters, shoved a knife in my back, and for the last 8 years, your silence and inability to compromise is vinegar on my bleeding heart.
You’ve done a good job of teaching my children to only see mistakes and disrespecting me.
Did you attempt suicide when Kurt Cobain died? Did you cheat on your wife(ves lol) and have an affair with an underage server(s)? (Multiple times and multiple wives/underage servers, pervert)
Did I not catch you high and drunk with an underage employee at your apartment with our daughters sleeping? Did I call the police? God I wish I would have. No, I called your mommy 45 miles away and let her handle it.
I like to buy stuff. When I find ergonomical deals that will make our lives easier, I buy them and give my opinion of them. Since I’m buying stuff I intend on liking, some if not all of my purchases get positive reviews. I noticed mid December that some of my reviews had went away, and the remainder were slowly going away. I reached out to Amazon to inquire why this was happening. I made sure that my posts adhered to guidelines… They said that they thought I had a relationship with the sellers. That was preposterous because in my reviews, I stated why I purchased them and I gave positive and negative feedback.
Since my accident, I have been trying to adjust to a “normal” life… before the accident, I felt invincible. I was thin, worked out regularly, held positions at jobs that I really enjoyed, had a great relationship with my ex-husband, had a great relationship with my kids, had a great relationship with my parents, owned a beautiful home, I’d say I had a pretty good life. I wasn’t perfect, and I took all of the positives for granted. I was searching for happiness.
After I woke up from the coma, I noticed almost everything was gone. My kids, my ex-husband, my parents, most of the people in my life that I cared about held on to the mistakes that I had made in the past. I woke up to a nightmare. Most of the people aforementioned despise me. I started seeing a neuropsychologist that helped me identify some personality traits that were harmful. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying hard to become a better person. My middle daughter and her paternal family hates me, but I respect that and I’m proud of myself for whom I’ve become, I become stronger everyday.
My doctor advised me to gain some hobbies. I have become a third-party contractor to audit merchandise in stores and displays of certain products in stores. I absolutely love doing that! Reminds me of my Marketing Director days for Tide. I use the money I make to test-out products and post my reviews on my other site: Stephaniegoogles.
As i mentioned, a couple months ago, I was informed that my reviews were no longer visible on Amazon. I exchanged some emails and fought with them for a couple days, until all of the sudden, my reviews were getting approved again. Two months later: I’m having the same problem again. Aside from retail therapy, it’s therapeutic for me too try new products and share my opinion of them with the world.
I talked to dozens of people today. All of them gave handbook, monotonous answers. I used to work for the Chase Mortgage Banking Executive Office, So I know those textbook responses like the back of my hand.
Finally, I spoke with a real – live human. Marc was his name. He seemed empathetic to what was happening. He understood that my reviews and sharing my opinion is important to me. Everyone from my past and most of the people in my current life now look at me as disabled/worthless/pointless. Purchasing these fascinating items and giving my thoughts on them has been therapeutic. He understood that. fighting with Amazon to fight for my love of my hobby is slightly therapeutic. ha. My uncle told me last week that it brought him joy to see me get excited about purchasing stuff on my wish list. Most of those items I have given as gifts (so I feel less bad about retail therapy haha) I gave my oldest daughter some wireless headphones that I purchased for myself, but love them so much I gave them to her as a gift. I mentioned that in my review and it was heartbreaking to see that review was taken down. They were pretty cool wireless earbuds! I was so proud of my review because I talked about how much I loved my daughter in it, and I liked this purchase so much, I was going to give it to her. Broke my heart when I saw it was taken down.Thank you, Marc, for putting in the extra effort to help me. Thank you for making me feel important. I have an odd hobby, but it is emotionally fulfilling. You are the only Amazon employee that I won’t be throwing darts at tonight. Haha
They also removed my background photo to my profile ha ha ha ha￼
Lily- I know you can’t stand me. Whatever. I thought you and I had a better relationship than that, but I guess not.
Emma- is this what you want? I just want things to go back to normal. No more fine tooth comb. No more blocking. I’m assuming since you haven’t pushed the issue of texting me that you don’t want me in your life. When Alyssa and I visited you at work, that’s what I want. I didn’t get upset that I was of no interest to you, but it made me happy Alyssa was happy to see you.
It’s horrible as a mother to be thrown out like trash by your daughters, in addition to the rest of your family.
Your dad can make all of this drama go away, but doesn’t. I just want the opportunity to be a mom to you and find out how you are doing. I just want to be a mom to help you through tough times, but this legal drama your dad created has made me a “tough time”. I’m a complete stranger to you guys.
I hope you guys learn to deal withyourproblems instead of blocking and running. It’s very immatureandirresponsible. This all started over me being sad thatI was alone with Alyssa and Noah on Thanksgiving. I’m not even sure what, specifically, bothered you, becauseinstead of talkingto me, you blocked me and ran. 👎
Emma and Lily just told me goodbye- “not forever”… bullshit. They look at me the way their dad looks at me- as a failure.
At least I have Alyssa and Noah.
I’m done trying. I need to move on without them. Lily looks at me with disgust when she sees me. I bought her 8 different types of loose leaf tea because I knew she likes them. I bought Emma a “proud army girlfriend” shirt. Apparently, I don’t respect how they feel. You know what? I don’t know how they feel, because for 5 years I haven’t had a casual conversation with them.
In 5 minutes I’m going to have to explain to their 3 year old sister that she won’t get to see them tonight. She has been looking forward to it all day.
Tim- it’s not over!
The fact that Tim will not close the case is proof that he’s very two-faced and doesn’t want me in the girls life.
Tim’s the same guy that teamed with my enemies (who text me they were conspiring with Tim to eliminate me from the girls lives) and claimed I asked my enemies to kill them. That’s screwed up on many levels.
You want to talk to me about living in the past? The fact that I could only communicate with my daughters once every 2 weeks at a therapy appointment is the past. That’s not normal. I (more than anyone else) want normal. I’m tired of living under a judgmental microscope of Emma, Lily, Tim, Maggie McClung, and anyone associated with them. I realized yesterday that I’m miserable when I’m around Emma and Lily because I feel so much pressure of judgment. I made the comment for the first time in a long time, “maybe I shouldn’t have survived the accident”. It surprised me because prior to that I hadn’t said that in years, and when I did it was in reference to my daughters.
I started taking down photos of Emma and Lily again last night because seeing them is heart-wrenching, everyday. I put up Christmas decorations of theirs that I need to put away (ornaments, artwork) They don’t want me in their life and I have to respect that. It rips my heart out that this blog is the only way I can tell them how crushed I am.
Imagine raising 2 daughters and them telling you they don’t want you in their life. It’s very sad.
Thank you for breaking my heart, right before Christmas.