I love my babies

I’m so lucky to have Alyssa and Noah. It doesn’t change the fact that I miss my older daughters. I cry for them almost every night. Their dad and I signed an agreement for us to communicate, but I have determined that was a lie.

I just don’t know what to believe.

I have such happy memories with my older daughters… making them costumes, doing projects, making creative dinners and snacks, watching tv and talking almost every evening.

Did I make those memories up?

They look at me as the enemy. I’ve done everything I can to change that, to no avail. I do have enemies, yes, and those enemies do not know the love I have for my children.

I will always have 4 kids, but I only have 2 that want me in their lives.

Maggie and everyone associated with my children’s dads: please leave me alone. Do not comment. I know you don’t like me, the feeling is reciprocal. My daughters are growing up without their mom, if that makes you happy, get therapy.

It’s a new day

I got to enjoy the day with my two youngest children. We concluded our day, cuddling, while watching Peppa Pig. Before that, we went to McDonald’s play place with 2 of my dear friends. We shared things that were happening in our lives and how God works through us.

One thing we agreed on, is that we have to encourage each other with scripture and devotionals that God shares with us. As I have previously stated, I’m not perfect and I have made mistakes.

What God is speaking to me is that it’s a new day.

Will I ever have a better relationship with my parents? Probably not. Will I ever have peace with the fathers of my daughters? Probably not. Will I have peace with anyone associated with them? Probably… not. What I will do is continue to pray for God to give me the strength to deal with their hatred and ill attitude. I will also pray for not only them, but myself. I say that because none of us are innocent in the ill feelings we share or spread.

Am I innocent? No. We all have a part in this vicious circle.

I strive everyday to accept the negative things that occur in my life as graciously as I accept my blessings.

I have been SO incredibly blessed with people in my life that love me. I try so hard not to take that for granted. I was able to spend Sunday with close friends doing a project to enhance our lives, namely theirs. I spent Tuesday evening helping a dear friend to relax. I was trying to show those people how much I love them, and how much I’m thankful to have them in my lives.

I’ve had a… strenuous… week. There were a couple times emotions were high, not all bad. I got some disappointing news right after I had got some encouraging news. I have to remember that I am completely blessed, in both of those discoveries. I started this morning with intense excitement that I would be spending the next 130 hours (5+ days) uninterrupted with my 2 youngest children. I may not be able to spend it with my older children, but what I need to focus on, is those 130 hours.

What should we do? Should we do everything? Should we do anything? Should we just lie around the house and do nothing? Decisions, decisions!

We had a meeting/play date with friends, today. We are spending the 4th of July with my best-friend and her son. We will more than likely relax on Friday. Saturday, we are going to take our friends to COSI. Sunday, we invited my sister over. We may go out for lunch, or I might make a special dinner. I’m not sure, yet. I feel like we have made plans Monday, but I’m not sure what they are. Either way, we will enjoy every moment of our time together.

I’m going to share some scripture that the Lord is speaking to me:

Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of desire: this is also vanity and vexation of the spirit. –Ecclesiastes 6:9

Enjoy what you have! Dreaming about what you want or how you want things to be is a waste of precious time. Like I mentioned at the beginning: “probably not…” I’m very happy, so rather than wasting my time trying to change that (which I can’t and have exhausted my efforts) I’m going to enjoy the positives in my life.

A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken. –Proverbs 15:13

Spread happiness and positivity. If someone is heartbroken because things are going wrong with their parents, don’t spew hatred. You may think you’re putting the other person down, but you’re, actually, devaluing yourself.be cheerful, not broken.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.— John 16:33

This gives me hope in knowing no matter what our storms, if we remain in Jesus, He will get us through! The world is full of evil things such as trials, problems, challenges, oppressions, difficulties, etc. The only one that can give us victory peace over all aforementioned problems is JESUS. He came to destroy the works of the devil, so that we all could be set free from the horrible days.

Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?Ecclesiastes 3:22

Do not turn God’s blessings into sin by perverseness and complaining; make the best of life. God will sweeten its bitters to you, if you be faithful. 

Thanks for stopping by. Remember: it’s a new day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it. Happy 4th of July! Celebrate our freedom!

Message to Pam

*due to cyber stalking/bullying, comments have been deleted and commenting has been turned off.

I’m not allowed to have feelings or be hurt, because that’s “narcissistic”? Or because you don’t like to read it. I drive by their house because despite their evil nature, they are not as easy to throw away as I am. I don’t need reminded of mistakes I have made. I remember them. I’m not blaming “everyone else”, I’m blaming everyone including myself. So I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re no better than you think I am. 🙂 it’s like judge hooper said, before you identify faults in others, first look at yourself and your own actions.

The guy that you’re referring to as Noah’s dad is nothing more than a dear friend. Denise, Erica, and my mother accused me of sleeping with him, and that’s really screwed up. He, his wife, and his younger girl are more family to me than those others have ever been. You don’t think highly of me? Well I’m identified and transparent. You’re ‘anonymous’. There are a lot of people I don’t like, perhaps 1,000s haha. I do know you’re either associated with Tim, Brad, or my parents. Almost everyone associated with them is on my “dislike” list.

*Drop mic

Im posting this here only because I have no way to contact her.

If I were really that much of a burden, why didn’t you give me away? Drop me off at a church door or put me up for adoption? I have ALWAYS been a problem to both of you and now I’m researching ways to be adopted, as an adult. My attorney said that there’s no legal way for me to ensure who will get Noah, if heaven forbid something happens to me. Neither of you want anything to do with Noah as long as I’m alive. I am in therapy for the problems I have with you guys, and something uncovered was dad giving you credit for anytime you guys helped me, it makes sense now, I never believed it, but he was telling the truth. I thought he was trying to alter my opinion that you didn’t like me. You may have ‘loved’ me, but he doesn’t. I’m coming to terms with that now. I had recently decided my childhood was a lie, but it wasn’t— I just tried to pretend it was a happy childhood. Tj was right- it was a messed up childhood, and that led to a fake marriage of 10 years, trying to escape that fictional memories that I was trying to make factual. 

I don’t hate you guys. Dad, constantly, yelling at me for crying because I missed my daughters was REALLY screwed up. I offered him a chance to meet Noah a couple times, and Tuesday was my final attempt. I saw joshs wife, whatever her name is, pointing and laughing at me with Stacia, I believe it was, at your Easter party. I needed to see that, because it’s confirmation I’m not part of you guys family anymore, and that’s ok. I’m doing well on my own. 

You can make all of the assumptions of me that you’d like, but I really have no interest in processing your thoughts toward me. Like you, I have a lot of negative feelings. I put those aside so that Noah could meet his grandparents, and I’m proud of myself for trying. We will never be a family again, and I’ve accepted that. It won’t take away the hurt or confusion, but I’m at peace and for the first time in my life (this past 8 months) I have been not just happy to, very happy to be alive. I admit I’m not perfect. I’m not the monster you guys try to convince me I am. 
I’m thankful for everything you ever did to try to help me, but every nice thing you ever did for me, increased your… disappointment… hatred… disgust! That’s the word. Every nice thing you ever did put a brick in your wall of disgust, in front of me, and it was a weight that I couldn’t and can’t bear. 
I really don’t expect you to read this, you probably have my email blocked, but it was nice to get my feelings out. I saw you guys are having a yard sale, I’m sure some of my things are in it, but I’m not going to stop by because I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to be reminded that I’m worthless to the woman that gave birth to me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better mother than I have been, the hard way. Alyssa and Noah get a better mother from my tears.

Sent from my iPhone

Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)

Unfortunately, I am unable to express my side of the story. When I say story, story is a loaded word. “Story” pertains to my feelings and what I expect from others as well as what I want.

I might ramble on and sound like a broken record, but the fact is, I want to bury the hatchet and work towards peace and harmony. I imagine that people like to sit around in a circle and share their favorite negative stories about me. That’s okay. We all grow and change. I guess the hardest part is that the other side of the coin really doesn’t want to get along and work together.

Some people may say that I am an unfit mother. They can go around in circles and try to convince others of this, but I know that I am more than capable of raising my 3 year old and her one month old brother. I never waste a moment with them and show them how much love I have.

On any given day, we are partaking in library story-time, ballet class, walks to the park, field trips to the local art museum, signing/vocabulary/general lessons that help foster numerous motor and mental skills that will help them develop into model children any parent would be proud of.

Those that still want to hold power over can try as they might, but time and time again, I am more than capable of showing that I have grown and am able to nurture my children. I also have medical records that certify that with the use of dialectic behavioral therapy, amongst many other self-growth measures I am and have utilized, I am making an effort to grow, positively, daily.

When Alyssa and Noah look back, they’re going to see that they had an amazing childhood. Nobody or no action will be able to take that from them.

I do regret that I am not able to provide for my elder children the way I can for my younger ones. There are many forces that are working against me, and I am unsure of how to overcome those. Those forces harbor a lot of hatred toward me. When I try to show grace and humility, I am shut down.

I love all of my children. I wish I could show it better and more often to my oldest. I realize I made mistakes in their childhood, but I hope they understand how much I loved and cared for them. I overlooked so much that was destroying me in an attempt to give them the life I hoped for them. I loved taking them on field trips (Wisconsin, Washington D.C., to see their dads family in New York, planetarium and Land Between the Lakes state park in Kentucky), kitchen projects, make-overs, deep discussions in the living room over Good Luck Charlie… I hope they cherish those memories as much as I do.

Thanks for stopping by, come again soon.

i had to hide the camera to record her so you could see the uninhibited young lady i see every minute i am with her 💖👩‍👧

*Joseph Trohman, Pete Wentz, Andrew Hurley, Patrick Stump, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, 2003

Happy Mother’s Day!

As a mother, I have learned a lot prior to this Mother’s Day.

Most recently, I have become in contact with my step-mother… I have learned that hostility is hereditary. I have been against step-mothers because I was trained, emotionally and hereditarily, to be against them.

Don’t get me wrong– I have been exposed to some evil hostility in step-mothers that reinforced my negative assessment.

Maggie, I forgive you if we can be civil and not try to eliminate or replace each other. Respect my position as a loving mother that has been in a disgusting war with both the fathers of her daughters and do not wish to share her position with Michelle, Linda, Margaret, or whomever. I meant the text I sent this morning wishing you a happy Mother’s Day.

My stepmom has a special name– La la. It’s not mammaw or mugga, she’s not out to replace. She is simply out to love.

Since I have reconnected with her, I have discovered a new respect for the people associated with my children, and I apologize that I have acted so carelessly, but accept my apology.

Proverbs 22:6 says to train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they should not depart from it.

I was trained step-parents are enemies. It was very black and white- my biological mom threatened my step-mom 30 years after I had been alienated from her. I was an adult and had no indication that there was still drama being instigated by my biological mother. When I found out, I was absolutely disgusted. It caused me to reflect on my children’s lives. I’ve never had a problem with my older daughters because their dad normally had brief relationships with younger coworkers, such as myself. Now that he’s dating a significantly older woman, he has become hell-bent on replacing me, and has, based on the fact they seem to be a happy family taking vacations and whatnot.

As I stated previously, I was told Tim had no interest in reconciliation by someone that should not have known that, and moments later he confirmed that accusation. I’m not sure if he really believes the lies he construed, or he’s using that as mental-permission to act like a total piece of shit, but I certainly did not ask his sexbuddy/drug addict friends father to kill him. I actually rejected sexual advances from that same man, so the testimony I asked him to harm Tim at Waffle House was absurd.

Anywho, I’m trying to be more respectful to Alyssa’s dad and stepmom. Her dad is cordial, for the most part, and I appreciate that.

Alyssa went on a field trip with a friend and his daughter, I have a feeling it is to get a gift for me and his wife *wink*, so I’m going to hold my son, enjoy this glass of wine, and watch a couple episodes from the new season of Lucifer.

Happy Mother’s Day, ladies, and Happy Early Fathers Day to you dudes out there 😊

Happy Easter from my family to yours!

Since I don’t have extended family, I had a WONDERFUL thanksgiving with my 2 children and people that are dear to my heart. The night before Easter, my daughter dressed up in her Frozen dress and wanted to go “somewhere”. We ended up going over to my friend, Jessica’s, and Alyssa played with her son, Malakai.

The next morning, she discovered the Easter bunny came and brought her and her baby brother baskets of yummies!

I made her ‘eggies’ and brown sugar cream of wheat before we started to get ready for church.

We went to a beautiful service at our church and discussed the real reason for Easter.

We decided to celebrate Easter with Jessica and Malakai.

I hope you had a wonderful Easter, as I did with the loves of my life!

Thanks for stopping by, have a great day!

(I don’t mention my older 2 children because I am not part of their lives, and I have lost hope of being involved anytime soon. I’ve begged for therapy, and after 1 session I left sobbing. It’s apparent that they believe the hatred and lies, I haven’t heard from the therapist about another appointment and i don’t anticipate it. The last appointment was “closure” (despite what I’m told) I will never stop trying to be in their lives, but i have to stop expecting things to go “back to the way things were”, because it will never happen, no thanks to the plaintiff in this dispute that the Bible warns against. I don’t have family, other than Alyssa and Noah, so I will do nothing but cherish them. I’m blessed with people that love me, that’s all I need.)