Needs to be said

So my oldest daughter asked me if I ever loved her dad. Well, let me start from the beginning. I was a 17-year old server he, as a manager, took into the office and seduced, and later introduced me to marijuana before taking my virginity. I later found out he was married. He was pretty dependent on drugs and alcohol (which he would give to our Yorkshire terrier, Lucy, that ended her life). I was leaving him when he got me pregnant, with our oldest. I started attending the ‘church’ that I previously mentioned, New Hope, which told me that unless I got married, I was going to burn in Hell, so being a scared 20 year-old afraid of going to hell, I married him. I will never forget crying to my sister-in-law-to-be the morning of the wedding saying that I didn’t want to. It was summed up as premarital jitters, but I honestly despised him and his family. Over the course of time, we became “best friends”, never lovers, and lived a happy life as such, or so I had thought, until he was terminated from his job as general manager of Denny’s Diner due to being sexually inappropriate with underage servers. Imagine that. We remained friends, as if nothing had changed, until my accident. He had sat by my side EVERY DAY while I was in a coma, and when I had somewhat recovered, I was very depressed and wanted a family, again. He didn’t want to leave his 22(?) year old (previous employee) girlfriend and I didn’t take the rejection well. He then filed for custody of my older daughters, which outside of a month or so, I had residential custody of.

I get to see them 1 hour a week, and they have pretty much sided with their dad on all of the turmoil we have been through. I am gradually accepting they don’t want me in their life.

What bothers me, is my youngest, which is no relation to him, gets to spend so much time with him and his mother. They both HATE ME and that’s not an environment I want my daughter in. She talks about the two of them, more than her dad and his girlfriend. I’m thankful she gets to spend so much time with her sisters, but it’s probably confusing to her as to why she rarely sees us together. I regret ever going on a date with him. Everything I acquired since I have met him, is gone. He has taken my oldest daughters from me, he has shattered every good memory, all I can do is try to forget the hell he has put me through since the day we met. The good memories are going out, as well. I will never “forget” my older 2 daughters, but I’m learning to live without them. It’s not fair, but I’m creating a new life with new memories with my daughter and the child I’m expecting.

I answered my daughter by reiterating that when I was depressed after my wreck, I was post-diagnosed with a personality disorder, one I had unknowingly most of my life, that caused me to try to create what i wanted in life: marriage will give me eternal salvation, I can make a family with a guy and kids, etc. No. the woman I am after being released from therapy realizes I never loved him. In fact, I couldn’t stand him. I actually filed for divorce 3 times before I actually followed through, but my personality disorder told me not to think about those thoughts and pursue the “happy family” mentality. I actually had to become engaged to another guy to divorce him because I was mentally weak and was focused on “guy/girl/kids/dog=family”.

I will always love my older daughters, but I have to respect they side with their dad. They don’t need a mom, because their dad and grandma fill my shoes. They don’t want me in their life, or they could make it happen. I was told they told the judge they don’t want me in their life.

There are 3 sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth. Unfortunately, their dad and their grandmother are gasoline to the fire of my destruction…. but they are christians. Interesting.

Falling-up

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: the decade+ I spent in a fake religion.

I have been attending a church for about half of a year, and it has showed me how different faith is from religion.

The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.

Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.

The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.

The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Hypocrisy:

Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance

JUDGING A PERSON DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.

It defines who you are.

So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. 😊 I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.

Thanks for stopping by! 😘😘😘

I love you, mostest! ✨

I love the routine I have with my youngest, Princess Peach/Pipsqueak

We spend most of our days drawing and giggling, doing random and scheduled activities, and hanging out with her friends and their parents. It makes me sad we don’t hang out with her sister-from-another-mister Tegan and her brother-from-another-mother Boo (Malakai) as much as we’d like to. They both hold the position as BFF’s. Their parents have a 3-way tie with BFF with her Momma. 😘

I think we are going to COSI tomorrow… haven’t decided. I’ll ask her in the morning. I have a feeling her answer will be yes. 🤷‍♀️

She has become quite a bit better with dance, she is in dance lessons every week.

We went to art camp at the local museum. We couldn’t do all of the days (not saying why, but you can take a guess… 🤦‍♀️) but they days we did go were quite entertaining.

We go see Mammaw and Pappaw to bug them quite often 😘 My parents are such good grandparents and I know for a fact (at least) Alyssa loves having them as grandparents very much.

We go to church on Sunday morning. We go a little early to have a snack in the HeBrews cafe. Alyssa has fruit and hard-boiled eggies 🥚 and I have… coffee ☕️. You guessed it.

We have been continuing to work on sign-language and I’m very proud of how well she is doing.

I love being her mother and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the 4 glorious days a week I get with her. I can’t wait to start our new plan next week where I will have her 4 days uninterrupted every other week with her!!! My heart is so full every moment she is in my life! When I’m not with her, my heart is happy, because I know that I am her “1 mom“. I ask her who her momma is and she taps on my torso and says “momma! ☝️one momma.”

I will never forget 2 dates: May 2, 2016 at 1:10am (her birth) and April 4, 2018 at 11:24am (the first day of her new life)!

So our routine:

Before her dada comes to pick her up

  • She gets a bathie (with colors and bubbles, of course)
  • She gets all primped with her Orange Blossom Honey lotion and puts on her jammies
  • We eat dinner or a snack (normally involving eggies or noodles, her 2 favorite foods
  • We sing our song, 1000 oceans (she ‘knows’ all of the words and sings along 😍)
  • We go outside to swing and read our book, If You Were My Bunny (unless it’s too rainy for an umbrella and we have to come inside😭)
  • When dada comes, I say, “I love you!” She says, “I love you, more!” I reply, “I love you, most!” She replies, “I love you, more-mostest!” as they are leaving. She didn’t today, I’m assuming because her dad’s girlfriend was there and she feels the tension her and I have. Unfortunately, I don’t see the tension leaving the scene anytime soon, but I have no control over it and the person that does refuses to hold anyone other than me accountable. 🙄

So in conclusion, I’m so lucky that God used me to create His gift to the world: Alyssa Copelynn.

Thanks for reading! Come again, soon!!

I miss my Emma and Lily

I’m so excited that I have got to spend more time with my youngest, but it doesn’t repair the fact that I am completely alienated from my older two daughters.

I enjoy life with my youngest, they enjoy life with my youngest, but we’ve never get to enjoy life together.

I would love to take them to the zoo, I would love to take them to COSI, I would love to take them to a waterpark, recreational park, hiking, swimming, gym, I would love to do anything with the three of them together.

It is been brought to my attention that they are not interested in having more time with me. Their father filed a motion asking to cease the one hour I get a week with them, because that’s what they want.

I find that hard to believe because I enjoy and love the time with my daughters so much. Do they really hate me? Have I really been that bad of a mom? Their paternal family has almost completely alienated them from their maternal family, myself included, so why would they want a mom? Their lives are completely fine without one, or so they are led to believe.

I’m heartbroken because I have lost so much time with my daughters and they have moved on without me... I’m out of their lives. There’s no reparation that they are interested in. There’s nothing I can do to show them I’m not the monster they believe I am. There’s nothing I can do to show them I have loved them since before they were born. I have done everything I could to provide them with a happy future, but they have moved on without me. I was never perfect, and I made mistakes. I’m sorry for the mistakes that I have made.

There are no second chances with them, and I’m heartbroken.

I am trying to raise money for psychological evaluations… I need help. I simply don’t have the funds. I want to be able to go to therapy with my daughters to be the mom they need, but I’m so alienated, I don’t even know what that is.

Please help me to help them.

I guess I should focus on my youngest and wait for my older daughters to decide if they want a mother.

Sorry for the heartbroken blog, but I have realized I failed at being a mother, twice, but I won’t fail with Alyssa. Maybe I will meet my Prince Charming and have the family I’ve always dreamed of, but for now it’s just Alyssa and I.

Thank you for stopping and come again soon.

Science, music, embellishment, Futbol and Princess Squeak☺️

Ok… so 3 things I have in common with all 3 of my daughters are part of the title…

  • Science (stay tuned about our visit to COSI)
  • Music
  • Girly-girl-beautification-fluffiness

I have had the opportunity to spend some incredible time with my youngest. At 11:24am on April 4, 2018 my life was miraculously changed. I will remember that time and day along the lines of the birth of a child… my phone rang and I was told news that would change my life, and it did.

I have a newer, more sparkly way of looking at life. I feel immortal and whimsical, but just like Mario, I have to keep and eye out for King Koopa, who is always kidnapping Princess Peach. The difference between my life and the Mushroom Kingdom is that I never recall Bowser making the slight attempt to be considerate to Mario. Hypothetically, I think that Mario would be indefatigably skeptical, as I am. Smile and wave, Mario. Smile and wave.

I do and always have enjoy(ed) great makeover-time with my daughters. Emma, Lily, and I have enjoyed some facials lately, including microdermabrasion. I have so many fond memories of makeovers and such! Alyssa (Pipsqueak) also loves when we touch up our make-up in the bathroom. I have assembled a small makeup kit with brushes (used, for more of an authentic look), a foundation sponge, some empty powder containers, lip gloss, and whatever else I could throw in there🤪. She puts lotion on her foundation sponge and blots it over her face. She loves our primping time, but not as much as I do 🙂

Another thing I have been doing is listening to more music and watching less tv (namely Lucifer. Dang his accent. 😍) I have been making playlists, namely for my ‘Squeaky‘ car rides. Alyssa loves a handful of songs, ranging from Hillsong United, to Indie pop.

I’ve also made a playlist for my 11-year-old, Lillian. It’s mostly Ariana Grande and Taylor Swift, but there’s a song from The Clash on it. I’m embarrassed to say that I secretly love T-Swizzle, despite what my close friends of the earlier part of this decade may believe 😂 darn catchy tunes. One of my closest friends, Mikey, knows a lot about her. I think he and I are gonna start an anonymous TAYTAY support group.

Emma’s playlist consists of punk and power pop. I have become addicted to pop meets punk… er punk meets pop… well, the ensnaring of punk/pop. That’s become my workout music, my playlist is a mix of the 3 threads of my daughters’ playlists with some 90’s, alternative rock, and classic rock added. I love me some Van Hagar 😍!

So back to the working out… as you all know I was in an automobile-accident in 2015 that put me into a 2-month coma with a Traumatic Brain Injury. I have been trying so hard to achieve happiness and contentment with my 2nd chance at life. I celebrated my 3-year ‘rebirthday‘ April 10, 2018. I have been wanting to make more of an effort to improve my physical body, and there’s no better time than now. Over the last 3 years, I have reached out to different wellness centers nearby, and none of them felt welcoming. I was trying to learn what types of activities would benefit my shortcomings, and it was hard to even get a return call. A week or two ago, I visited a local sports and wellness center, The Fieldhouse, and talked to the owner, Mic Amicone, and the President, Alainna Amicone-Durfee. They were very excited to help me start on the path to taking control of my physical situation minutes into our first conversations. It gave me a good feeling, and hope ☺️.

In the beginning, there was light!

My right-foot doesn’t cooperate, which is my biggest setback, among other things. I started on a cycle-trainer and felt good about my progress, so after about 30 minutes of that, I decided to check out a cardio class, which was kind of a big jump on day 1… the instructor, Tressa Reilly, who I found out was also the Director of Group Fitness, was very friendly and gave tips for my maximum benefit without making me feel uncomfortable (I mean, I’m obviously not 100%!) I stayed the entire class and gave it my best shot. Alainna and Tressa asked me after class what my goal was, and I told them to kick a soccer ball. So do you know what they did? They encouraged me to do it. AND I DID IT! I feel invincible… like a million bucks. I fell, and I didn’t kick it well, but I achieved my goal… because I can do anything I put my mind and heart to.

My conclusion is that when King Koopa tries to spit fire at you and succeeds at stealing Princess Peach, stay:
  • Strong (emotionally and physically)
  • Positive and optimistic
  • Rational and respectful

Utilize the friends and skills you have. There are many challenges ahead and the road will get tougher…in due time, you will conquer. You will be stronger than you believe you ever were or could be.

You will save Princess Peach.

Thank you for stopping by! Subscribe so you can see what’s on my mind, next 😘 come again, soon!

Parental Alienation 😢

Well, I’ve made the decision to devote this bloggery to a pandemic: parental alienation. It has affected me for going on 3 years.

I was recently a guest on a great internet-radio show, Far From Normal. I have learned a lot and have embraced what is near to my heart.

4/10/2018 Far From Normal radio show

I don’t want drama.

I don’t want negativity.

I just want to be a mom to the daughters that I have brought into this world.

I formed them inside of me and I have become a victim of alienation from them. I take responsibility for not handling everything perfectly, but I will use the excuse of the mental despair that alienation causes. There are far too many malefactors in, not only my case, but quite a few cases.

What is happening is that enemies are putting themselves above what is best for the children. Assailants are aspersing each other. In my case, it was my children’s fathers’ previous attorney and not only them, but namely the females in their lives that caused thousands of dollars in improvidence and thousands of hours of melancholy.

Lie after lie, after lie have been formulated in an attempt to bring me down, and did (successfully) for a small amount of time. I have done nothing but accept responsibility for my faults and have learned to grow.

My daughter’s fathers are 100% their fathers, despite who I chose to have in my life, and guess what? I am 100% their mother. I have never tried to replace them, and I stand firm that I never will.

I have been told that I need to just die by one of said women. Of course she isn’t owning up to saying it. I’m owning up to things that I have said or done that I’m not proud of, but that’s what gives me the confidence to fight back toward hatred and animosity. I don’t have to deactivate and reactivate my social media and I sleep well at night, because even though I am not friends with my daughter’s fathers’, I’m respecting them and not creating arduous accusations and lies to contravene them.

Every child has a fundamental right and need for an unthreatened and loving relationship with both parents. To be denied that right by one parent, without sufficient justification such as abuse or neglect, is itself a form of child abuse.

For the child, parental alienation is a serious mental condition, based on a false belief that the alienated parent is dangerous and formidable.

The severe effects of parental alienation on children are well-documented are widespread, as children lose the capacity to give and accept love from a parent:

  • low self-esteem
  • self-hatred
  • lack of trust
  • depression
  • substance abuse and other forms of addiction

Parental Alienation and Parental Substitution

Parental substitution is exactly what it sounds like. Replacing a parent with another, giving the child the impression (and ultimately, if allowed to go on long enough, the conclusion) that someone other than the child’s parent is really the parental figure. If the biological parent isn’t, or has no interest in being, in the child’s life that’s an exception to this summary.

What I am implying as improper parental substitution: a father and his girlfriend have influenced his son or daughter to believe she has two mothers – his girlfriend and the child’s biological mother. Let’s further assume in our hypothetical this parental substitution has gone on for many years before the biological parent got any rights, even though she was actively (though not equally) involved in the child’s life and even though she was weary of what he saw.

This is not unusual and when any parent, father or mother, sees him or herself being replaced in the child’s eyes, that parent experiences, what is now recognized in the DSM-V as an official disorder. Thanks to the fifth edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is now, basically, logged in as an official disorder. The new (more broad) category of “child psychological abuse” is defined as “non-accidental verbal or symbolic acts by a child’s parent or caregiver that result, or have reasonable potential to result, in significant psychological harm to the child.”

My older daughters aren’t sure what to believe. They get one hour a week with me and 167 hours a week without me. That one hour is not enough time to try and prove that I’m not as much of a miscreant as I’m implied to be. My youngest and I have a far better relationship, but it’s obvious that she is confused. I know that she knows I am her mother. I can sense where my mother is and has been because of a special bond that we have, and I know for a fact that my youngest and I have that bond, as well. I’m hoping my older daughters chose to have me in their lives, but I respect that, at this moment, they do not. It doesn’t change the amount of love I have for them, nor does it change the amount of sorrow my heart feels by missing them.

We can all agree that the world needs to learn respect toward one another, but this blog, specifically, calls out parents and step-parents. Try to show respect to each other, for the kids.

Thank you for stopping by, come again soon 💜

Don’t follow your heart…

I have heard and felt many times “I just don’t know what to believe”. What I have realized is, your mind/heart can be deceptive and circumventing.

I know mine can be.

I have seen many people put on a faultless illusion of their intentions, and I have been guilty in the past, especially before I started seeing a psychologist that put so much into perspective. I have been told, “I just want things to get better!” and my past blog Actions speak louder than words, I discussed that when everything is said and done, there is almost always more said than done.

1 Actions speak louder than words

2 Practice what you preach

3 Don’t say one thing and do another

I made the comment about my ex-husband in my past blog that bothered a couple people. I’m sorry and I respect that it bothered you, but please respect how it was viewed to me.

I feel very strongly that it was fake for him to sit by my side and moments later turn deceptively calamitous toward me.

Yes, I am very hurt by what transpired after he rejected me, but I did not deserve the evil things he has done to me. I do not deserve how his mom has treated me. They have constructed lie after lie in an effort to make me miserable. They are failing. I continue to pray for them, as they are blinded by their behavior.

I stand firm that some of the people from my past are very atrocious in their behavior, and I’m not sure if they even acknowledge how calamitous their behavior is. I have no interest in ever speaking to (a majority) of them again.

Actions show much more of a personal commitment than words do.

Nonchalant words contradict merited action. With actions, it shows that you have actually altered your behavior/put forth effort to make something happen coinciding with the objective of your words.

I’m so tired of living in the past!

I shared a friend’s post on book of face the other day, and wrote this:

Why do people put on facades?

  • Avoid judgment
  • Gain acceptance

What is the end game of people who put on a facade?

The end game of deception is recognition of a lie in one whom you thought to be truthful.   This isn’t putting your best foot forward to create an initially positive first impression.

Facades can become deeper and more complex as time goes on. 

Its contingent upon how insecure or emotionally imbalanced someone is. A person who has self respect/a feeling of self worth won’t feel the need to incorporate any level of facade, as they are genuinely interested in the person they are getting to know, rather than the audacious focus on how they are coming across.

Energy attracts similar energy.

What you put out, comes back to you.  If you put out a duplicitous energy, that is what others will give back to you. 🔄

Ultimately, it is the law of karma that is the end game.💯

Why does society reward those who suppress their true selves to put on a perfect facade while we all hate fake people and having to be fake ourselves?🤔Because we live in a feel good society. We’re much more concerned about a quick fix instead of a temporary solution.

We want it here- we want it now.

Society is like this because

1) people are lazy. 💤

2) if you’re born into a specific behavior, you are raised in that behavior, and therefore that behavior becomes the only reality you know➡️ so it’s very hard for the later generations to make changes. 😩

  • It is first accepted.
  • Then is is adopted.
  • As it fosters with time, people become familiarize with it.
  • Then it becomes normal.

So in conclusion, make wise decisions, and follow your gut instinct. Your mind and heart can be deceptive.

Olive juice 😍

We all know the the last few years have been rough. Not just on me, on almost everyone. I can’t say I’m the only person that struggles, I know I am not the only one.

Life can be hard!

What I have learned is that a cliche quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, that I have attempted to live by most of my life, is very true:

Most of you know my story. I woke up from a coma, and had lost nearly everything. My body. My baby. My house. My boyfriend. My job. My independence. Quite a bit.Thankfully my daughters were not physically harmed… And thankfully I SURVIVED (it has taken me years to understand that 😊).

I was so thankful that my parents were by my side. There were other people from my past by my side, and I was vulnerable and naive. Those people from my past were mentally preparing for my death. I had a difficult time coping with the events that occured, as I have previously discussed. I thought my failed marriage was going to rekindle due to the fact my ex-husband and his mother had sat by my side nearly the entire time I was in the hospital.

On what would have been our 12th anniversary, he revealed to me that he had no interest in rekindling the family I was working so hard to redeem, mentally and physically. It put my arbitrarily poor mental health into a most-damaging state. I have accepted that there are bitter emotions on both sides, but there is no reciprocal effort for peace.

I have spent the last 3 years attempting to and successfully improving myself. I am really proud of how far I have come. Unfortunately in that time, I have allowed quite a few people to manipulate me, but I’m no longer beating myself up, I’m learning and I’m growing. There have been lies upon lies being either constructed or conceived as truthful by a number of people (myself included).

I just don’t know what to believe.

I can only go by facts. Hatred and hostility,anger and arbitration, cruelty and coarseness are being disembogued.

There is evil in the world, I know that for a fact. My parents have made an effort to instill in me that you CAN NOT trust anyone but yourself💯. I have always had a big heart and tried to trust quite a few people, but I am realizing I could not and should not. It’s very unfortunate.

The moral of this heartfelt rant:

  • You have to stay positive and optimistic, even in the darkest of times.

  • You have to trust yourself, and if you can not, work toward improving yourself to the point where you can.

  • You have to trust in The Power that controls your life. My God is the power that controls mine.

I’m thankful for the few people that I know I can, reciprocally, depend on to listen to me scream/cry and celebrate our individual victories.

I told a dear-friend today that it makes my heart super-happy to celebrate their victories with them, and it really does give me joy.

Most of all, I’m thankful for my father, Rick, my mother, Pam, and my Creator.

I love you all. 💜

Thank you for visiting, come again soon (:

*if you ever need to vent, I have an ear, shoulder, and heart. EMAIL ME. It will get better! Sending positive vibes🌈✨😊✨

Offline is the new luxury

Ok, so over the last couple of years, I have (finally) accepted that social media is the devil.

I’m not perfect, but I’m (more) cognitive of things I (should and should not) post on social media.

Some people that I have really thought highly of have, over-dramatically, attempted to hurt me via social media. Again, I’m not innocent in reciprocating. I’m disappointed in all of us.

I have seen others hurting or trying to hurt over social media, and that makes me sad.

I have seen family turn their back on family because of social media, and that makes me sad.

I have seen people post personal problems that they should not have posted, and that makes me sad.

Things I feel are stunted by social media:

Interpersonal communication/non-verbal behavior:

the real world has many opportunities to be inclusive, unfortunately, the internet prevents verbal communication and the development of social cues. Non-verbal communication over the Internet is nearly impossible to read. Am I laughing or and I saying this sternly? You don’t know. Positive messages are read as more neutral than they are intended to be; neutral messages are read as more negative as they are intended to be and one can only imagine what happens with messages that are intended to be negative. Also, you lose the ability to interact, mindfully, in the moment.

Teamwork:

it’s hard to learn how to cooperate with others on the Internet.

Circadian rhythms:

I don’t know how many nights I have lost sleep over social-media drama. I’m 100% I’m not the only one. If you haven’t been directly bothered, you have been bothered by someone close that has.

Modesty:

Things get posted that are not appropriate for others to see, and over time, it has caused our standards to decrease, leading to increased sexual immorality. It’s a downward spiral.

Harassment/cyber-bullying:

it’s so easy to tear someone down if you’re not looking at the tears rolling down their face. I can say that first-hand, I’ve said some hurtful things, and never thought twice about the recipient. I’ve cried from it being done to me.

THE REAL WORLD:

Go outside! Smell the flowers! Yes you can see them on social media, but YOU CAN ALSO SEE THEM IN PERSON!!

Last night around 8:00pm, I was texting a great friend, and this texting/social media thing has been eating at my last nerve. I asked him to meet me, IN PERSON (weird, nowadays) and really enjoyed eating fries and drinking sodas with him! I mentioned my frustration with the portrait that social media paints about everyone. The people, in real-life, aren’t as crazy as social media portrays them.

Take this time and review your social media.

What does it say about you as a person?It’s not that you or I need to impress anyone, but I feel we need to present ourselves with pride, not trashy-dramatic-condescending trash. A lot of the things I have mentioned above, I have been guilty of. I’m trying to clean up my act in 2018 and

I’m proud of the woman/mother/person I’m trying to be

and my confidence reflects my presentation. Again, I’m certainly not perfect and I have flaws. But gosh darn it, I’m trying. 😊

I delete/ignore/block the provocation and drama. There isn’t anybody that has time for it 😂💯

Thanks for reading and stop back soon!!!

I’m awake and I’m alive

Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.

Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.

I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.

The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.

When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”

“It’s April, there is no snow.”

“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”

The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.

“When can I go home?”

“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”

“Why can’t I walk?”

“You may never walk again.”

“What happened to my baby?”

“I’m sorry, you lost him.”

I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.

I wanted a family.

I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.

Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.

Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.

There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.

Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.

I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,

Give it your best shot!

You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯

A Costly Distraction, part 1

Rebuilding a Life, part 2

Taking Control, part 3