Sending Postcards From A Plane Crash (Wish You Were Here)

Unfortunately, I am unable to express my side of the story. When I say story, story is a loaded word. “Story” pertains to my feelings and what I expect from others as well as what I want.

I might ramble on and sound like a broken record, but the fact is, I want to bury the hatchet and work towards peace and harmony. I imagine that people like to sit around in a circle and share their favorite negative stories about me. That’s okay. We all grow and change. I guess the hardest part is that the other side of the coin really doesn’t want to get along and work together.

Some people may say that I am an unfit mother. They can go around in circles and try to convince others of this, but I know that I am more than capable of raising my 3 year old and her one month old brother. I never waste a moment with them and show them how much love I have.

On any given day, we are partaking in library story-time, ballet class, walks to the park, field trips to the local art museum, signing/vocabulary/general lessons that help foster numerous motor and mental skills that will help them develop into model children any parent would be proud of.

Those that still want to hold power over can try as they might, but time and time again, I am more than capable of showing that I have grown and am able to nurture my children. I also have medical records that certify that with the use of dialectic behavioral therapy, amongst many other self-growth measures I am and have utilized, I am making an effort to grow, positively, daily.

When Alyssa and Noah look back, they’re going to see that they had an amazing childhood. Nobody or no action will be able to take that from them.

I do regret that I am not able to provide for my elder children the way I can for my younger ones. There are many forces that are working against me, and I am unsure of how to overcome those. Those forces harbor a lot of hatred toward me. When I try to show grace and humility, I am shut down.

I love all of my children. I wish I could show it better and more often to my oldest. I realize I made mistakes in their childhood, but I hope they understand how much I loved and cared for them. I overlooked so much that was destroying me in an attempt to give them the life I hoped for them. I loved taking them on field trips (Wisconsin, Washington D.C., to see their dads family in New York, planetarium and Land Between the Lakes state park in Kentucky), kitchen projects, make-overs, deep discussions in the living room over Good Luck Charlie… I hope they cherish those memories as much as I do.

Thanks for stopping by, come again soon.

i had to hide the camera to record her so you could see the uninhibited young lady i see every minute i am with her 💖👩‍👧

*Joseph Trohman, Pete Wentz, Andrew Hurley, Patrick Stump, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, 2003

Happy Mother’s Day!

As a mother, I have learned a lot prior to this Mother’s Day.

Most recently, I have become in contact with my step-mother… I have learned that hostility is hereditary. I have been against step-mothers because I was trained, emotionally and hereditarily, to be against them.

Don’t get me wrong– I have been exposed to some evil hostility in step-mothers that reinforced my negative assessment.

Maggie, I forgive you if we can be civil and not try to eliminate or replace each other. Respect my position as a loving mother that has been in a disgusting war with both the fathers of her daughters and do not wish to share her position with Michelle, Linda, Margaret, or whomever. I meant the text I sent this morning wishing you a happy Mother’s Day.

My stepmom has a special name– La la. It’s not mammaw or mugga, she’s not out to replace. She is simply out to love.

Since I have reconnected with her, I have discovered a new respect for the people associated with my children, and I apologize that I have acted so carelessly, but accept my apology.

Proverbs 22:6 says to train up a child in the way they should go, and when they are old, they should not depart from it.

I was trained step-parents are enemies. It was very black and white- my biological mom threatened my step-mom 30 years after I had been alienated from her. I was an adult and had no indication that there was still drama being instigated by my biological mother. When I found out, I was absolutely disgusted. It caused me to reflect on my children’s lives. I’ve never had a problem with my older daughters because their dad normally had brief relationships with younger coworkers, such as myself. Now that he’s dating a significantly older woman, he has become hell-bent on replacing me, and has, based on the fact they seem to be a happy family taking vacations and whatnot.

As I stated previously, I was told Tim had no interest in reconciliation by someone that should not have known that, and moments later he confirmed that accusation. I’m not sure if he really believes the lies he construed, or he’s using that as mental-permission to act like a total piece of shit, but I certainly did not ask his sexbuddy/drug addict friends father to kill him. I actually rejected sexual advances from that same man, so the testimony I asked him to harm Tim at Waffle House was absurd.

Anywho, I’m trying to be more respectful to Alyssa’s dad and stepmom. Her dad is cordial, for the most part, and I appreciate that.

Alyssa went on a field trip with a friend and his daughter, I have a feeling it is to get a gift for me and his wife *wink*, so I’m going to hold my son, enjoy this glass of wine, and watch a couple episodes from the new season of Lucifer.

Happy Mother’s Day, ladies, and Happy Early Fathers Day to you dudes out there 😊

Happy Easter from my family to yours!

Since I don’t have extended family, I had a WONDERFUL thanksgiving with my 2 children and people that are dear to my heart. The night before Easter, my daughter dressed up in her Frozen dress and wanted to go “somewhere”. We ended up going over to my friend, Jessica’s, and Alyssa played with her son, Malakai.

The next morning, she discovered the Easter bunny came and brought her and her baby brother baskets of yummies!

I made her ‘eggies’ and brown sugar cream of wheat before we started to get ready for church.

We went to a beautiful service at our church and discussed the real reason for Easter.

We decided to celebrate Easter with Jessica and Malakai.

I hope you had a wonderful Easter, as I did with the loves of my life!

Thanks for stopping by, have a great day!

(I don’t mention my older 2 children because I am not part of their lives, and I have lost hope of being involved anytime soon. I’ve begged for therapy, and after 1 session I left sobbing. It’s apparent that they believe the hatred and lies, I haven’t heard from the therapist about another appointment and i don’t anticipate it. The last appointment was “closure” (despite what I’m told) I will never stop trying to be in their lives, but i have to stop expecting things to go “back to the way things were”, because it will never happen, no thanks to the plaintiff in this dispute that the Bible warns against. I don’t have family, other than Alyssa and Noah, so I will do nothing but cherish them. I’m blessed with people that love me, that’s all I need.)

I just don’t know what to believe.

I tried to be respectful and amicable to one of my enemies. He declined my effort, which was advised would happen by someone that SHOULD NOT know he was not interested in moving forward in a more positive manner.

How can someone that claims to be a follower of Christ decline an attempt at peace?

Hypocrisy is how that can happen.

Here are some scriptures that relate to that:

John 8:44 ESV

You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

John 13:34 ESV

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

Ephesians 4:26 ESV

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

Ephesians 4:1-3 ESV

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.

1 Corinthians 14:3 ESV

On the other hand, the one who prophesies speaks to people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation.

Titus 3:3 ESV

For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another.

2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

Philippians 4:12-13 ESV

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

Philippians 4:6 ESV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

Philippians 4:5 ESV

Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand;

Philippians 2:1-5 ESV

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,

Philippians 2:1-4 ESV

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

1 John 4:2 ESV

By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,

1 Peter 3:10-11 ESV

For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.

James 3:17-18 ESV

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

Hebrews 13:20 ESV

Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant,

Hebrews 12:11 ESV

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

1 John 4:20 ESV

If anyone says, “I love God,” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.

Walk to Emmaus part 1

I’m currently enjoying my time Walking to Emmaus, so I will make this short.

God has spoke to me about some pretty important things this weekend.

Wednesday night I was absolutely crushed because it hit me that my oldest daughters and my parents do not want me in their lives, or to be in my life. I take responsibility that I have made mistakes, I have not been perfect. I also place blame on my ex husband, Tim Latier, for provoking, defaming, and encouraging hatred toward me because of mistakes I am taking blame for (mind you he is not taking any responsibility for any of the things he has done to irreparably damage me).

I came here Thursday afternoon burdened with a broken heart.

  • Since that time, God has spoke to me. I haven’t done everything He has spoken, but it has given me direction.
  • I’m 33 weeks pregnant and in a quite a bit of discomfort.

  • Stop complaining. There are women that pray to get an opportunity to carry a baby, despite the pain it causes. I am completely blessed with a very healthy and active baby that God is forming in my body. Stop complaining.
  • My older daughters don’t want me in their lives.

  • Perhaps someday they will, there is nothing I can do to change their interest in having the mother that was devoted to them for most of their lives, in their life. Appreciate the daughter I have the ability to raise and have an AMAZING relationship with. I enjoy every moment with her, like it’s a gift from God. Oh wait… IT IS!
  • Most of my family, including my parents, want nothing to do with me because of the custody drama and defamation with and from my ex-husband.

  • While Walking to Emmaus, I have embraced and learned how many people God has brought into my life. Stacy and Mike have showed Alyssa and I love that I have NEVER felt from a majority of my family.
  • Patti has become such a positive role model and friend.
  • Mikey, Mariah, Jessica, Stephanie, Bethany, the list goes on. I have SO MANY PEOPLE that love me, I’m beyond blessed. I would rather have a handful of people that love my heart and soul, than I would a dozen-or-so blood relatives that are nice to me on holidays. This evening, I was surprised by hundreds of people that were praying for the group I was with, and 4 specific people from the church i am a member of/friends that were praying for me, individually. Brought tears to my eyes.
  • God also told me to forgive Tim. I will work on it. After I prayed and asked God to remove the hatred I had for him, I returned to my seat and talked with the woman beside me, stating I felt calloused- like it really didn’t impact my emotion to know I was burdened by such a severe hatred of that guy, and right then, the band started playing one of my baby girl’s FAVORITE songs, Name. I burst into tears. That little girl is my heart and soul, she ministers to me in everything she says and does. Back to that lesson from God, CHERISH HER instead of missing my older daughters.

    Thank you, God, for speaking to me.

    Thanks for stopping by! More later… stay tuned for part 2 🙂

    My daughters part 2

    I’m so incredibly hurt that Tim Latier and his family has done nothing but try to eliminate me from my daughters lives. I was told today that he was the one that suggested they talk to the judge… i know that’s because he is fairly confident they will tell the judge they aren’t interested in having me in their lives. That is such a severe knife in my back. I miss the girls quite a bit, but I’m mentally preparing myself to not be their mother anymore. I feel like a step mom to them… I’m out of their lives and he replaces me with his girlfriends. I’m not sure how someone could be so evil to a mother. I’m slowly eliminating them out of my house. I have boxes of their crafts and school papers that I’m going to throw away because as I lie here sobbing, they are just thorns of the life that Tim Latier has taken from me.

    My daughters

    I don’t know if this is how my daughters feel, or they really don’t want me in their lives. I feel like if they wanted me in their lives, they would fight for me to be in it. I may not have been the best mom, but I tried my damned hardest. I took them out to breakfast, took them to events, to the zoo, played games with them, cooked fun meals with them, and I haven’t had a relationship with them in 4 years. I certainly hope they haven’t thrown me away so easily and so quickly. At least I have my youngest and her brother, on the way. I really wanted my daughters to be part of this pregnancy, but I’m not even sure he will meet his sisters.

    Gone Girl

    I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

    I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

    She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

    Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

    Revenge… I will get to that…

    As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

    Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

    We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

    In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

    And I was so regrettably nice to him.

    If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

    Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

    Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

    Yep. I am.

    Sermon notes: see below

    I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

    Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

    Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

    Sermon notes:

    What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

    ==========

    How is your thought life?

    2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    ———————

    Pretension

    ———————

    When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

    ———————

    Don’t think of revenge on Tim

    Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

    ———————

    Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

    Some new habits of thinking:

    ———————

    Train your mind to obey

    ———————

    1. Form a habit of forgiving.

    ———————

    Make it a second nature

    ———————

    Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

    Forgive yourself.

    ———————

    Let that thing go… set your mind free

    If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

    ———————

    1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

    2. Form a habit of empowerment.

    2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

    3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

    ———————

    Form a habit of forgiving

    Learn from your past

    Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

    ———————

    Philippians 3:12-14 NIV …I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me… 13 …Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

    Action Steps:

    1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

    2. Step out in faith, do that thing you’ve hesitated to do.