Thanks for the memories.
Emma and Lily just told me goodbye- “not forever”… bullshit. They look at me the way their dad looks at me- as a failure.
At least I have Alyssa and Noah.
I’m done trying. I need to move on without them. Lily looks at me with disgust when she sees me. I bought her 8 different types of loose leaf tea because I knew she likes them. I bought Emma a “proud army girlfriend” shirt. Apparently, I don’t respect how they feel. You know what? I don’t know how they feel, because for 5 years I haven’t had a casual conversation with them.
In 5 minutes I’m going to have to explain to their 3 year old sister that she won’t get to see them tonight. She has been looking forward to it all day.
Tim- it’s not over!
The fact that Tim will not close the case is proof that he’s very two-faced and doesn’t want me in the girls life.
Tim’s the same guy that teamed with my enemies (who text me they were conspiring with Tim to eliminate me from the girls lives) and claimed I asked my enemies to kill them. That’s screwed up on many levels.
You want to talk to me about living in the past? The fact that I could only communicate with my daughters once every 2 weeks at a therapy appointment is the past. That’s not normal. I (more than anyone else) want normal. I’m tired of living under a judgmental microscope of Emma, Lily, Tim, Maggie McClung, and anyone associated with them. I realized yesterday that I’m miserable when I’m around Emma and Lily because I feel so much pressure of judgment. I made the comment for the first time in a long time, “maybe I shouldn’t have survived the accident”. It surprised me because prior to that I hadn’t said that in years, and when I did it was in reference to my daughters.
I started taking down photos of Emma and Lily again last night because seeing them is heart-wrenching, everyday. I put up Christmas decorations of theirs that I need to put away (ornaments, artwork) They don’t want me in their life and I have to respect that. It rips my heart out that this blog is the only way I can tell them how crushed I am.
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