Waking up from a coma threw me into a whirlwind. Everything felt chaotic, and I was completely lost, trying to make sense of it all. Diving back into “normal” life was anything but straightforward, and my challenges seemed to multiply as I navigated relationships and my mental health. From the moment I woke up, I felt attacked and that put me into fight or flight mode. 

My first relationship after the wreck mirrored my first marriage in many ways. I craved the idea of a family, often without caring who I built it with. I had hoped that my ex-husband and I would reunite and become a family again, but his rejection hit hard. It felt like he killed a part of me in every way possible. In my vulnerability, I fell for someone recovering from cocaine and alcoholism. He made me feel important and gave me a glimpse of what it might be like to have a family with him. Looking back, that was one of the worst decisions I could have made

I also faced challenges with my older daughters, who seemed to hate me, to this day. I tried to show them love, but they didn’t understand and became even more violently hateful. They were rarely around me, and they were influenced by people that were filled with a deep hatred toward me. It often felt like nobody respected me or cared that I existed. During this time, I felt engulfed in a fog of depression that clouded my vision. When I got pregnant with my daughter, suddenly, I had a purpose. My son, Noah, came along, further fueling my resolve to fight. I devoted myself to them, but juggling everything, especially with my disability, took a toll on my mental health. I was running them to, and from places with very little, if any, help.  I had a little to no contribution to the financial obligations and running them multiple places every day of the week. Some days they had multiple events to go to. 24/7/365

For so long, I felt invisible, like people saw my struggles as just excuses. The past six months have been especially tough with children’s services, making me feel like my life has no meaning. It often felt like they would celebrate my demise rather than support my growth and my family becoming whole again.

Lately, I’ve started to see my own worth. I’m incredibly smart and can tackle problems, even when they seem impossible. I’m empathetic, more often than not, showing kindness to those who might not deserve it. I refuse to let other people’s negative views define me. I am strong, resilient, and my faith is solid, despite everything I’ve been through.

So here’s my new favorite saying: “I’m not just a survivor; I’m proof that even in a world of chaos, I can still shine brighter than the negativity around me!” Yes, I may still struggle with deep depression, but I’ve come to realize that my depression is not about my worth; it’s about how horrible the world can be and how some people can be downright evil. Basically, the world sucks.

Forgiveness is a tough one for me. I’ve been praying for help to let go of the anger and bitterness I carry. It’s easy to say I forgive someone, but truly doing it? That’s a different story. The hatred I feel for some people is mentally exhausting. Still, I know I have to keep growing, even when hate and judgment come my way.

If you’re reading this and don’t believe me or find amusement in this blog, then it sounds like you’re part of the problem in the world. What joy could you possibly get out of making a struggling humans life miserable?

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I genuinely believe better days are ahead. Each day is a step toward healing, growth, and reclaiming my life on my own terms.

If you have $10,000 and somebody steals $1000, would you give them the other $9000? I am giving my joy to people that have stole a piece of it. I’m defending myself now… I have worth and you don’t deserve to steal my joy.

My mind is evolving into a positive environment. Individuals who disrupt and occupy the space rent free, will be towed at their own expense.

Additionally, if you received an email requesting an apology, please note that I am still awaiting your response. 😉