During my physical therapy session yesterday, Noah approached an individual involved in a religious group, likely Mennonites, and spoke to him about Jesus. Despite Noah’s hyperactivity and at times exasperating behavior, he has a deep love for Jesus and is eager to share that message with anyone. Unlike me, he did not assume that the man was already familiar with Jesus based on his stereotypical attire. Noah treats everyone as equals. I truly wish he would refrain from approaching shorter individuals and pointing out their height, but it is a work in progress; not many people seem to take offense when he does so 🤭.

I identify as a global Methodist, while my closest friend is an atheist. We refrain from discussing our beliefs. We do not attempt to persuade one another that our respective beliefs are correct. Instead, we focus on conducting ourselves in a positive manner.

I felt truly humbled at Downtown Exchange last night. As we placed our food order at an establishment, the cashier did not appear to be “like a salesperson”. I made a subtle remark to my daughter, who was seated a few feet away at a table, which she overheard… “she didn’t seem to like us.”

She approached me and conveyed that my remarks were offensive. (I genuinely did not believe I had spoken that loudly). She mentioned that she is autistic and struggles with social interactions, yet she makes an effort.

I gazed at her and remarked, “I have a diffuse accidental injury, and I am entirely convinced that everyone in the world is judging me and despises me because I do not physically and emotionally respond as I am expected to.”” I embraced her several times in apology.

I gazed at her and immediately urged her to escape her thoughts. I gestured towards myself and expressed the need to escape from my own mind. Why can’t we all emulate Noah and behave as though we are all equal? Our differences are inconsequential. Each of us is dealing with our own challenges. I feel as though I am living in the Tori Amos song, “Precious Things.” It seems that everyone, particularly women who appear as “perfect” as I once did before the incident, are judging me. My own daughters have chosen to adopt a snobbish attitude, believing themselves to be “superior to me.”

I have recently come to realize that my brain injury is diminishing my quality of life each year. I’m beginning to show early signs of Alzheimer’s… I should likely be in a nursing home. My emotions are out of control; I find myself crying more often than not. I strive to provide my young children with a positive upbringing, but I feel like I’m failing. I’m messing things up. I got my daughter removed from the Maysville Panther bitty league because I was hurt by how a family member treated me. I consulted with a lawyer and considered filing a lawsuit for breach of contract, but that won’t change her personality. The individual I had a disagreement with is part of the board of developmental disabilities… I suppose she believes my disability is not real. And when I accidentally touched her jeep while chasing my son during practice, it showed that her material possessions are more important to her than anyone’s feelings.

Why can’t I be like Noah and not think that everyone will be kind to me, that everyone will be unkind to me, that everyone will judge me, that everyone shouldn’t judge me? I just want peace. I have no family; I’ve lost my two older daughters due to the pain I feel.

The only ones who would really notice if I were to pass away are my children, and that’s a terrible way to go through life, realizing that two kids under 10 are the only ones who genuinely care about you.

I’ve been feeling really down for the last few weeks, to the point where getting out of bed seems impossible. My home is a mess because my kids aren’t interested in cleaning up after themselves, which makes me feel like I’m failing as a mom. Just like my experience at Downtown Exchange yesterday, I focused solely on my own feelings. I didn’t consider how others might be feeling. It’s important to remember that this is a two-way street. Everyone, myself included, needs to recognize that we all have emotions and are battling our own struggles. I feel like my challenges are magnified because I truly have no family who cares about my existence. My parents claim to love me, but they never defend me. I’ve distanced myself from them in an effort to remind myself of my own worth. If only people would try to make others feel valued in their lives (instead of my cousin running and screaming at me when I innocently walk by her house (Erica Jane Dusenbery Smith), perhaps there would be fewer individuals who feel like the world is against them.

The actions from many years ago are still being held against me, but I find myself unable to express my concerns about previous events. For instance, my ex-husband accused me of being involved in a murder conspiracy, and my cousin threw insults at me while I was with my children and their friends walking past her house LAST YEAR.

Please stop advising me to “move on” when you allow bullying, false legal claims, discrimination, judgment, and similar issues.