I’m awake and I’m alive

Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.

Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.

I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.

The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.

When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”

“It’s April, there is no snow.”

“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”

The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.

“When can I go home?”

“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”

“Why can’t I walk?”

“You may never walk again.”

“What happened to my baby?”

“I’m sorry, you lost him.”

I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.

I wanted a family.

I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.

Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.

Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.

There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.

Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.

I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,

Give it your best shot!

You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯

A Costly Distraction, part 1

Rebuilding a Life, part 2

Taking Control, part 3

To Venus and Back â†©ï¸

I posted to my social media account my observance of my strength. The last couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I am now to the point where I am calm, collected, peaceful, etc. I am very happy and very content despite the troubled adversaries I’m forced to converge with.

When only one party is making an effort to be respectful and cooperative, it can be difficult. I look at this intricate time as a test, and I’m quite confident in saying that I will do quite well, namely in the 4 weeks to come.

A close friend of mine has been encouraging me to take a few moments to myself and relax. I’m consistently advising you acquaintances to celebrate you and look for positivity, but rarely do I take the time to advise you “proactively”. By advising you, I am suggesting you do (something).

YOU.

Sometimes it’s good to say ME.

Today’s agenda:

I offered a friend some money for helping me with a project. I had sold some items that weren’t important to me and saved up some money. She declined. I had told a close friend about it and he advised I use it in some time of relaxation technique. I politely declined because I’m not selfish. 🙄😂

I spend quite a bit of time video chatting with a gentleman-friend. Last night, I was complaining of my forehead dimple. I had never noticed it before, but I guess when you get to be old like me, you have wrinkles pop out of nowhere. 🤷‍♀️

I immediately decided that I needed to have a microdermabrasion. I spent the remainder of our video chat session researching where I wanted to get my microdermabrasion. I knew I wanted it mechanically, I’ve had them manually and I wasn’t impressed.

Well, I woke up this morning and decided for the first time in YEARS, I deserved a spa day to reward me for all I have went through on the journey to today.

I made an appointment at one of my favorite local spas where I received a very relaxing facial that included machine microdermabrasion. Wow. It had been YEARS since I had a spa day, and it was beyond relaxing. What a blessing in disguise, they were running a special today only! 🎉 I was able to share my story and self-improvement bloggery concept with not only my aesthetician, Kim, and a couple others. That made my heart happy. 💜 I told them about my 5.3, 4.8 and 4.4lb purposes ending it with they have shown me that I am my purpose. 🙏

I took myself to the mall and purchased a couple AE shirts that were on sale. I sauntered and hastily took my time, because I deserve it.

I felt led to call a close friend I had been worried about, while I stopped for an afternoon latte. God had placed her on my heart. She lives an hour or so away, and so unselfishly volunteered to help me with an upcoming project, but I know her life is demanding. As I was talking to her, I felt as though I, personally, needed to hear it.

Here are the things I told her:

  • Let it out: yes, confide in a trusted ally. If you don’t, you will burst. I have a couple friends that I trust and are there for me, and this bloggery is also a release-portal.

  • Be forgiving: of yourself, of others, of everyone.

  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. As simple as that.

  • Breathe. In/out/repeat. Which leads me to…

  • Treat yourself to a mini-vacation. Even if it’s to McDonald’s for an hour to drink a cup of coffee and work on your Star Chef (app) cafe, or Bermuda for a week. It’s the same if you breathe and evaluate your sabbaticals

  • Treat yourself to a Prince (RIP #ArtistFormallyKnownAs🥂) shirt

Everyone knows no Stephanie day would be complete without a stop at a local thrift store. 😂 My day got even more awesome as I purchased cd’s (5 for$1) to play in Pipsqueak’s karaoke machine. I picked out 10 great cds for karaoke time and background music, but 2 caught my attention rapidly.

A local band that will ever have a legacy (Marbles for Eyes, Matthew Busybee Smith). I have their CD, but I couldn’t pass it up.

To Venus and Back, Tori Amos, Atlantic/1999- I bought it for 1,000 Oceans, but belted it in my vanaoke-session on the way home. The lyrics put my day into perspective… relaxation calms the spirit. I need to take care of my soul.

It clicked after I reflected on my day with a close friend:

The moral of the story is:

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES! 🙂

And check out To Venus and Back. It’s a great album that contains Alyssa and I’s song 1000 Oceans, and another good song, Concertina(you’re the fiercest calm I’ve been in)

Ok, Mike, Mariah, and Jordan, next up… meditation… promise.

My Rock 💜

I’ve had a rough couple years… as my previous blogs have declared, I’ve made mistakes, and i accept responsibility for them. Have people in my life made them? It doesn’t matter. Have people in my life caused them? It doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m learning and growing. I have a great support system that I can depend on, and I’m super thankful.

Originally, I had planned to blog about the sermon I heard on Sunday, however, I feel led to blog about much more.

When my daughters are not with me, I miss them, dearly. I love them more than they will ever know. I love their beautiful personalities that shine through their talents. All 3 of my daughters are granted with the same artistic talents, but they each have such individual strengths.

I love my oldest daughters artistic nature… She can draw her emotion with a stroke of her hand. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.

My second born has a freaking BEAUTIFUL voice. When I hear her sing, whether it’s Ariana Grande or Shawn Mendez, she brings tears to my eyes. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.

Lily as Elsa

Lily loves her Mommy 👩‍👧

Who says? 🤷‍♀️👩‍❤️‍👩

Of course 1 of Emma 💃

And Pipsqueak 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧

CAReoke with Emma and Lily😍

My youngest has such a big heart, for only being 20 months old. Her heart shows through her smile and her laugh. When I want a hug, she runs to me and squeezes me tight. I have a feeling my 5lb purpose is slightly powerful over me because I basically was crying to my best friend that I couldn’t get a toy I had bought for her to work at 3am yesterday. I think I’m going to exhaust myself by planning to apprehend her smile.

Not spending every minute with them is difficult. I try to find things to occupy my time so I don’t become overwhelmed with sadness.

So the sermon I previously mentioned was quite intense. It was the first time I had visited this particular church on a Sunday, and I was called by God to hear this message…

acts 15

The whole chapter is awesome, but namely verses 18-21:

18 “Known to God from eternity are all His works. 19 Therefore I judge that we should not trouble those from among the Gentiles who are turning to God, 20 but that we write to them to abstain from things polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from things strangled, and from blood. 21 For Moses has had throughout many generations those who preach him in every city, being read in the synagogues every Sabbath.”

So basically… it’s easy to judge others, especially people you feel are inferior to you.

Stop it.

John 8:7

7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”

3 drifts that need to be avoided:

  1. Cliques: they’re everywhere. Let’s face it… if someone doesn’t agree with you, they must be wrong. 🙄 *rolls eyes*
  2. Toward law and away from grace: in the fore-mentioned scripture, Acts 15, it basically pointed out that a whole lot of judging was going on between people serving the same God. We are a very diverse nation, and sitting around judging people for how they choose to believe (or not believe)- ‘law’ is contradictory to the comportment that almost all beliefs/religions propel… I have been barraged for wearing a controversial pentacle necklace (see comments for the past blog If it means a lot to you). Whomever commented was more concerned with the stereotypical impression of what 5-sided shape could possibly represent, that she missed the point of the blog… don’t judgeisn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
  3. Preserving instead of advancing: 2 Corinthians 5 clears that drift. Whether you believe in the Bible or not, this is a good point: the idiom ‘live and learn’ rings strong in this scripture. See ‘Drift #2’… don’t miss the point. We live. We learn. As Superchic(k) once said, “we live, we learn. We forgive, and never give up because the days we are given are gifts…”

There isn’t much structure in my life or my daughters’ lives, but thankfully there is structure of faith. Alyssa loves to sing about ‘baby jesus’ and the fact that she has faith as a structure makes my heart happy, so I burned a Hillsong United cd for her to sing to in her karaoke machine next time she comes home. I included one of my favorite songs, 10,000 reasons. Irregardless of the details of your faith and/or opinion, we can all agree that respect is very significant essential.

Let’s learn to co-exist for our children. Let’s set good examples of respect and train them in the way that they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.

I’m willing to try, are you?

🌈We’re not that different after all⭐️

In my path of learning how to deal with my personality and emotions, I have learned how routinely respect myself and others. I have such an appreciation for my friends, it’s not that I haven’t had such wonderful friends in my past, I haven’t looked at our differences and/or similarities as meticulously as I am now.

As cliche as it is to say, a majority of women have comparable predicaments. I was talking with a dear friend last night about bloggery, amongst other projects, and I was able to give advice and encouragement to her, and I needed to hear that myself.

The same struggles she was dealing with are very similar to the ones I feel, and I’m not sure if she realized that by talking about them, she brought up some very explanatory matters that I had never thought of.

That, my friends, is a form of altruism. By sharing her struggles with me, it caused me to be able to relate and offer support. That support was a refresher course to me.I needed that. By sharing her struggles with me, she helped me grow.

After realizing we also have obstinate personalities in common, I laughed.

We’re not that different after all.

Women, as a whole.

I have a muse and a musess that I address when I feel the need to partake in bloggery, and the suggestion was to discuss (sporadic) vloggery. That opened an interesting, informative conversation, so much I didn’t know or hadn’t heard about.

Don’t live in fear that you’re “just not good enough” or “people are making fun of you”. Who cares? <If blogging inspires you, do it!>

Don’t throw stones from glass houses…

if you have flaws, and guess what: I know you do, don’t humiliate or attack someone on social media because you don’t like them. I heard I was recently called a ‘mess‘ by someone I don’t think highly of and don’t have a whole lot of respect for, that’s throwing stones from a glass house. All I can say is I hope she makes peaceful, positive changes for the worlds sake.

Think outside the box:

How are they different? Is there a reason why they are? Can you relate in any way? More often than not, you can find ways to understand others that you may be inclined to judge or feel sorry for. Like the car that cut you off: maybe they are stressed; maybe they have an ill child/friend/family member; maybe they did it selfishly… who knows, who cares. Let it go. You don’t know, and you get no benefit from wasting energy on it.

So the moral of the story is:

  • Appreciate differences
  • Respect differences
  • Embrace differences