Gone Girl

I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

Revenge… I will get to that…

As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

And I was so regrettably nice to him.

If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

Yep. I am.

Sermon notes: see below

I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

Sermon notes:

What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

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How is your thought life?

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

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Pretension

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When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

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Don’t think of revenge on Tim

Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

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Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Some new habits of thinking:

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Train your mind to obey

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1. Form a habit of forgiving.

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Make it a second nature

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Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Forgive yourself.

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Let that thing go… set your mind free

If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

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1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2. Form a habit of empowerment.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

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Form a habit of forgiving

Learn from your past

Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

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Philippians 3:12-14 NIV …I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me… 13 …Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Action Steps:

1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

2. Step out in faith, do that thing you’ve hesitated to do.

I’m awake and I’m alive

Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.

Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.

I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.

The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.

When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”

“It’s April, there is no snow.”

“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”

The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.

“When can I go home?”

“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”

“Why can’t I walk?”

“You may never walk again.”

“What happened to my baby?”

“I’m sorry, you lost him.”

I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.

I wanted a family.

I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.

Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.

Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.

There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.

Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.

I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,

Give it your best shot!

You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯

A Costly Distraction, part 1

Rebuilding a Life, part 2

Taking Control, part 3

🌈We’re not that different after all⭐️

In my path of learning how to deal with my personality and emotions, I have learned how routinely respect myself and others. I have such an appreciation for my friends, it’s not that I haven’t had such wonderful friends in my past, I haven’t looked at our differences and/or similarities as meticulously as I am now.

As cliche as it is to say, a majority of women have comparable predicaments. I was talking with a dear friend last night about bloggery, amongst other projects, and I was able to give advice and encouragement to her, and I needed to hear that myself.

The same struggles she was dealing with are very similar to the ones I feel, and I’m not sure if she realized that by talking about them, she brought up some very explanatory matters that I had never thought of.

That, my friends, is a form of altruism. By sharing her struggles with me, it caused me to be able to relate and offer support. That support was a refresher course to me.I needed that. By sharing her struggles with me, she helped me grow.

After realizing we also have obstinate personalities in common, I laughed.

We’re not that different after all.

Women, as a whole.

I have a muse and a musess that I address when I feel the need to partake in bloggery, and the suggestion was to discuss (sporadic) vloggery. That opened an interesting, informative conversation, so much I didn’t know or hadn’t heard about.

Don’t live in fear that you’re “just not good enough” or “people are making fun of you”. Who cares? <If blogging inspires you, do it!>

Don’t throw stones from glass houses…

if you have flaws, and guess what: I know you do, don’t humiliate or attack someone on social media because you don’t like them. I heard I was recently called a ‘mess‘ by someone I don’t think highly of and don’t have a whole lot of respect for, that’s throwing stones from a glass house. All I can say is I hope she makes peaceful, positive changes for the worlds sake.

Think outside the box:

How are they different? Is there a reason why they are? Can you relate in any way? More often than not, you can find ways to understand others that you may be inclined to judge or feel sorry for. Like the car that cut you off: maybe they are stressed; maybe they have an ill child/friend/family member; maybe they did it selfishly… who knows, who cares. Let it go. You don’t know, and you get no benefit from wasting energy on it.

So the moral of the story is:

  • Appreciate differences
  • Respect differences
  • Embrace differences