Gone Girl

I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

Revenge… I will get to that…

As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

And I was so regrettably nice to him.

If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

Yep. I am.

Sermon notes: see below

I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

Sermon notes:

What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

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How is your thought life?

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

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Pretension

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When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

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Don’t think of revenge on Tim

Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

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Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Some new habits of thinking:

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Train your mind to obey

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1. Form a habit of forgiving.

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Make it a second nature

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Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Forgive yourself.

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Let that thing go… set your mind free

If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

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1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2. Form a habit of empowerment.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

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Form a habit of forgiving

Learn from your past

Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

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Philippians 3:12-14 NIV …I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me… 13 …Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Action Steps:

1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

2. Step out in faith, do that thing you’ve hesitated to do.

I’m thankful for life!

Today, I’m thankful for the woman God has made me, but

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the friends I have. I had many friends that invited me to share thanksgiving with them (and their family, if applicable) today, and I chose to stay with my dear friends and their daughter, out of town. I had the opportunity to work, and I chose not to, because spending time with those dear to my heart was more important than the almighty dollar. I chose not to take advantage of economical savings (black Friday deals) for that reason. Unfortunately, some in my daughter’s life do not share that same view. I pray that my daughters know that family is most important, and their mother has learned where her priorities are.

One word: nom. And thankfulness. And friends. And love. Ok a lot of words…

I also pray for forgiveness toward the fathers of my daughters. I say I have forgiven them often, but unfortunately, I have not. They have caused irreparable damage for many people, including those dear to my heart. It’s not that I harbor hatred for them, it’s more bitterness and confusion because of the manipulative things they have done to me, and those I hold dear– including my daughters. I’m not confident I will ever respect them, but I do not want to harbor hate… even harboring bitterness, alone, would be a strong improvement.

Unfortunately, they counteract what they say and project, consistently, and by them doing that, it makes me feel more of a negative indifference toward them. I simply wish they’d stop fighting/being so negative towards me to make it easier on everyone, but after all this time… all these years… they still continue. What could’ve been smooth and easy, was thrown away. We, all, don’t have to like each other to be fair and raise our children, but by trying to cut the other parent off completely and refusing any extra time with them (ie major holidays) will only farther hurt the children, and unfortunately, justify my judgment.

I made an extra effort to help my friends, today, mainly so they could focus on enjoying their family time… because that is the utmost priority to me.

I’m blessed with the ability to create my own schedule, and for many years, I put that schedule ahead of my family. Unfortunately, I was very materialistic. I did not feel appreciated at home- I tried to fill the void in our marriage with stuff. We may have looked like a ‘picture perfect’ family, but I was consumed with depression and I didn’t handle it well. We, both, put on a very convincing act toward the world… and each other. The reason I got married was not justifiable from a rational standpoint. I was barely 20 and had a personality disorder that prevented me from making rational choices. I had a baby with a boy= so I had to create the dreams I wanted with that boy to have my dream family 🚫🤦‍♀️. Black or white mentality. Him or no family. I remember sobbing hysterically to my ex-sister-in-law the morning of my wedding in the spare bedroom of my parents home. I’ll never forget. It was summed-up as pre-marital jitters. I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. After our marriage, we did become ‘best-friends‘, but we never really had an emotional or physical connection, which lead to being unfaithful with each other. We still looked like ‘a perfect family’. After about a decade, I divorced him with the opportunity to have another husband/dream life, which was a horrific mistake. I was escaping an abdominal situation for an abhorrent path. Live and learn, they say.

A majority of my life, I was trying to create something that shouldn’t have needed to be created. It should have occurred genuinely.

Skip to shortly before therapy- I almost lost my life and woke-up from a coma very depressed. My ex-husband sat by my side, waiting for me to die. Of course, he put on a good act of looking concerned. Let’s face it: he wouldn’t have did a complete 180 degree turn in a couple weeks from being concerned, to putting an outright atrocious war. He put on that same ‘fake-personality’ act a majority of our marriage, until I found out he had lost his job for committing a sexual-act with a minor employee. Dumbfounded. He also hid a drug-addiction, for years, that he confessed to while drunk with my daughters asleep in his home. All the ajax in the world won’t clean our dirty laundry.

After being rejected by him once I was discharged from rehabilitation, I became consumed with trying to please a random guy. Because of my personality disorder, I assumed I could create a perfect family. Almost like a toddler, I said “mommy, daddy, baby… family”False. We had different paths. I lied to him on multiple occasions to please him. Once I started going to therapy, things ended abruptly with he and I. My youngest daughter was born of that disaster. ❤️

Looking back- I would not have changed a thing.

My life would be dramatically different if I had received proper therapy in my adolescence, but I would not be blessed with my beautiful daughters.

So, in closing, I’m thankful for the woman I have become. I am perfectly content with the person I am today. More than likely, if you don’t like me, you haven’t had a civil conversation with me in quite a while/if ever, or you’re not a respectable person, yourself 🐕. Or any friends/family of such people. If you don’t like me, it really doesn’t matter a whole lot, because as my daughters pointed out the other night, God is the only person I have to please, and myself.

Thank you for visiting, and to those of you who are there for me and have helped me to get to who I am today, thank you.

Wow, this was a lot longer than I expected. Thanks for bearing with me!!

Falling-up

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: the decade+ I spent in a fake religion.

I have been attending a church for about half of a year, and it has showed me how different faith is from religion.

The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.

Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.

The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.

The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Hypocrisy:

Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance

JUDGING A PERSON DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.

It defines who you are.

So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. 😊 I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.

Thanks for stopping by! 😘😘😘

To Venus and Back ↩️

I posted to my social media account my observance of my strength. The last couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I am now to the point where I am calm, collected, peaceful, etc. I am very happy and very content despite the troubled adversaries I’m forced to converge with.

When only one party is making an effort to be respectful and cooperative, it can be difficult. I look at this intricate time as a test, and I’m quite confident in saying that I will do quite well, namely in the 4 weeks to come.

A close friend of mine has been encouraging me to take a few moments to myself and relax. I’m consistently advising you acquaintances to celebrate you and look for positivity, but rarely do I take the time to advise you “proactively”. By advising you, I am suggesting you do (something).

YOU.

Sometimes it’s good to say ME.

Today’s agenda:

I offered a friend some money for helping me with a project. I had sold some items that weren’t important to me and saved up some money. She declined. I had told a close friend about it and he advised I use it in some time of relaxation technique. I politely declined because I’m not selfish. 🙄😂

I spend quite a bit of time video chatting with a gentleman-friend. Last night, I was complaining of my forehead dimple. I had never noticed it before, but I guess when you get to be old like me, you have wrinkles pop out of nowhere. 🤷‍♀️

I immediately decided that I needed to have a microdermabrasion. I spent the remainder of our video chat session researching where I wanted to get my microdermabrasion. I knew I wanted it mechanically, I’ve had them manually and I wasn’t impressed.

Well, I woke up this morning and decided for the first time in YEARS, I deserved a spa day to reward me for all I have went through on the journey to today.

I made an appointment at one of my favorite local spas where I received a very relaxing facial that included machine microdermabrasion. Wow. It had been YEARS since I had a spa day, and it was beyond relaxing. What a blessing in disguise, they were running a special today only! 🎉 I was able to share my story and self-improvement bloggery concept with not only my aesthetician, Kim, and a couple others. That made my heart happy. 💜 I told them about my 5.3, 4.8 and 4.4lb purposes ending it with they have shown me that I am my purpose. 🙏

I took myself to the mall and purchased a couple AE shirts that were on sale. I sauntered and hastily took my time, because I deserve it.

I felt led to call a close friend I had been worried about, while I stopped for an afternoon latte. God had placed her on my heart. She lives an hour or so away, and so unselfishly volunteered to help me with an upcoming project, but I know her life is demanding. As I was talking to her, I felt as though I, personally, needed to hear it.

Here are the things I told her:

  • Let it out: yes, confide in a trusted ally. If you don’t, you will burst. I have a couple friends that I trust and are there for me, and this bloggery is also a release-portal.

  • Be forgiving: of yourself, of others, of everyone.

  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. As simple as that.

  • Breathe. In/out/repeat. Which leads me to…

  • Treat yourself to a mini-vacation. Even if it’s to McDonald’s for an hour to drink a cup of coffee and work on your Star Chef (app) cafe, or Bermuda for a week. It’s the same if you breathe and evaluate your sabbaticals

  • Treat yourself to a Prince (RIP #ArtistFormallyKnownAs🥂) shirt

Everyone knows no Stephanie day would be complete without a stop at a local thrift store. 😂 My day got even more awesome as I purchased cd’s (5 for$1) to play in Pipsqueak’s karaoke machine. I picked out 10 great cds for karaoke time and background music, but 2 caught my attention rapidly.

A local band that will ever have a legacy (Marbles for Eyes, Matthew Busybee Smith). I have their CD, but I couldn’t pass it up.

To Venus and Back, Tori Amos, Atlantic/1999- I bought it for 1,000 Oceans, but belted it in my vanaoke-session on the way home. The lyrics put my day into perspective… relaxation calms the spirit. I need to take care of my soul.

It clicked after I reflected on my day with a close friend:

The moral of the story is:

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES! 🙂

And check out To Venus and Back. It’s a great album that contains Alyssa and I’s song 1000 Oceans, and another good song, Concertina(you’re the fiercest calm I’ve been in)

Ok, Mike, Mariah, and Jordan, next up… meditation… promise.

🌈We’re not that different after all⭐️

In my path of learning how to deal with my personality and emotions, I have learned how routinely respect myself and others. I have such an appreciation for my friends, it’s not that I haven’t had such wonderful friends in my past, I haven’t looked at our differences and/or similarities as meticulously as I am now.

As cliche as it is to say, a majority of women have comparable predicaments. I was talking with a dear friend last night about bloggery, amongst other projects, and I was able to give advice and encouragement to her, and I needed to hear that myself.

The same struggles she was dealing with are very similar to the ones I feel, and I’m not sure if she realized that by talking about them, she brought up some very explanatory matters that I had never thought of.

That, my friends, is a form of altruism. By sharing her struggles with me, it caused me to be able to relate and offer support. That support was a refresher course to me.I needed that. By sharing her struggles with me, she helped me grow.

After realizing we also have obstinate personalities in common, I laughed.

We’re not that different after all.

Women, as a whole.

I have a muse and a musess that I address when I feel the need to partake in bloggery, and the suggestion was to discuss (sporadic) vloggery. That opened an interesting, informative conversation, so much I didn’t know or hadn’t heard about.

Don’t live in fear that you’re “just not good enough” or “people are making fun of you”. Who cares? <If blogging inspires you, do it!>

Don’t throw stones from glass houses…

if you have flaws, and guess what: I know you do, don’t humiliate or attack someone on social media because you don’t like them. I heard I was recently called a ‘mess‘ by someone I don’t think highly of and don’t have a whole lot of respect for, that’s throwing stones from a glass house. All I can say is I hope she makes peaceful, positive changes for the worlds sake.

Think outside the box:

How are they different? Is there a reason why they are? Can you relate in any way? More often than not, you can find ways to understand others that you may be inclined to judge or feel sorry for. Like the car that cut you off: maybe they are stressed; maybe they have an ill child/friend/family member; maybe they did it selfishly… who knows, who cares. Let it go. You don’t know, and you get no benefit from wasting energy on it.

So the moral of the story is:

  • Appreciate differences
  • Respect differences
  • Embrace differences