Gone Girl

I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

Revenge… I will get to that…

As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

And I was so regrettably nice to him.

If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

Yep. I am.

Sermon notes: see below

I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

Sermon notes:

What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

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How is your thought life?

2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

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Pretension

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When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

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Don’t think of revenge on Tim

Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

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Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Some new habits of thinking:

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Train your mind to obey

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1. Form a habit of forgiving.

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Make it a second nature

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Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Forgive yourself.

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Let that thing go… set your mind free

If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

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1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

2. Form a habit of empowerment.

2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

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Form a habit of forgiving

Learn from your past

Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

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Philippians 3:12-14 NIV …I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me… 13 …Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

Action Steps:

1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

2. Step out in faith, do that thing you’ve hesitated to do.

I’m thankful for life!

Today, I’m thankful for the woman God has made me, but

I have a lot to be thankful for.

I’m thankful for the friends I have. I had many friends that invited me to share thanksgiving with them (and their family, if applicable) today, and I chose to stay with my dear friends and their daughter, out of town. I had the opportunity to work, and I chose not to, because spending time with those dear to my heart was more important than the almighty dollar. I chose not to take advantage of economical savings (black Friday deals) for that reason. Unfortunately, some in my daughter’s life do not share that same view. I pray that my daughters know that family is most important, and their mother has learned where her priorities are.

One word: nom. And thankfulness. And friends. And love. Ok a lot of words…

I also pray for forgiveness toward the fathers of my daughters. I say I have forgiven them often, but unfortunately, I have not. They have caused irreparable damage for many people, including those dear to my heart. It’s not that I harbor hatred for them, it’s more bitterness and confusion because of the manipulative things they have done to me, and those I hold dear– including my daughters. I’m not confident I will ever respect them, but I do not want to harbor hate… even harboring bitterness, alone, would be a strong improvement.

Unfortunately, they counteract what they say and project, consistently, and by them doing that, it makes me feel more of a negative indifference toward them. I simply wish they’d stop fighting/being so negative towards me to make it easier on everyone, but after all this time… all these years… they still continue. What could’ve been smooth and easy, was thrown away. We, all, don’t have to like each other to be fair and raise our children, but by trying to cut the other parent off completely and refusing any extra time with them (ie major holidays) will only farther hurt the children, and unfortunately, justify my judgment.

I made an extra effort to help my friends, today, mainly so they could focus on enjoying their family time… because that is the utmost priority to me.

I’m blessed with the ability to create my own schedule, and for many years, I put that schedule ahead of my family. Unfortunately, I was very materialistic. I did not feel appreciated at home- I tried to fill the void in our marriage with stuff. We may have looked like a ‘picture perfect’ family, but I was consumed with depression and I didn’t handle it well. We, both, put on a very convincing act toward the world… and each other. The reason I got married was not justifiable from a rational standpoint. I was barely 20 and had a personality disorder that prevented me from making rational choices. I had a baby with a boy= so I had to create the dreams I wanted with that boy to have my dream family 🚫🤦‍♀️. Black or white mentality. Him or no family. I remember sobbing hysterically to my ex-sister-in-law the morning of my wedding in the spare bedroom of my parents home. I’ll never forget. It was summed-up as pre-marital jitters. I DID NOT WANT TO MARRY HIM. After our marriage, we did become ‘best-friends‘, but we never really had an emotional or physical connection, which lead to being unfaithful with each other. We still looked like ‘a perfect family’. After about a decade, I divorced him with the opportunity to have another husband/dream life, which was a horrific mistake. I was escaping an abdominal situation for an abhorrent path. Live and learn, they say.

A majority of my life, I was trying to create something that shouldn’t have needed to be created. It should have occurred genuinely.

Skip to shortly before therapy- I almost lost my life and woke-up from a coma very depressed. My ex-husband sat by my side, waiting for me to die. Of course, he put on a good act of looking concerned. Let’s face it: he wouldn’t have did a complete 180 degree turn in a couple weeks from being concerned, to putting an outright atrocious war. He put on that same ‘fake-personality’ act a majority of our marriage, until I found out he had lost his job for committing a sexual-act with a minor employee. Dumbfounded. He also hid a drug-addiction, for years, that he confessed to while drunk with my daughters asleep in his home. All the ajax in the world won’t clean our dirty laundry.

After being rejected by him once I was discharged from rehabilitation, I became consumed with trying to please a random guy. Because of my personality disorder, I assumed I could create a perfect family. Almost like a toddler, I said “mommy, daddy, baby… family”False. We had different paths. I lied to him on multiple occasions to please him. Once I started going to therapy, things ended abruptly with he and I. My youngest daughter was born of that disaster. ❤️

Looking back- I would not have changed a thing.

My life would be dramatically different if I had received proper therapy in my adolescence, but I would not be blessed with my beautiful daughters.

So, in closing, I’m thankful for the woman I have become. I am perfectly content with the person I am today. More than likely, if you don’t like me, you haven’t had a civil conversation with me in quite a while/if ever, or you’re not a respectable person, yourself 🐕. Or any friends/family of such people. If you don’t like me, it really doesn’t matter a whole lot, because as my daughters pointed out the other night, God is the only person I have to please, and myself.

Thank you for visiting, and to those of you who are there for me and have helped me to get to who I am today, thank you.

Wow, this was a lot longer than I expected. Thanks for bearing with me!!

Falling-up

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: the decade+ I spent in a fake religion.

I have been attending a church for about half of a year, and it has showed me how different faith is from religion.

The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.

Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.

The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.

The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Hypocrisy:

Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance

JUDGING A PERSON DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.

It defines who you are.

So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. 😊 I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.

Thanks for stopping by! 😘😘😘

I love you, mostest! ✨

I love the routine I have with my youngest, Princess Peach/Pipsqueak

We spend most of our days drawing and giggling, doing random and scheduled activities, and hanging out with her friends and their parents. It makes me sad we don’t hang out with her sister-from-another-mister Tegan and her brother-from-another-mother Boo (Malakai) as much as we’d like to. They both hold the position as BFF’s. Their parents have a 3-way tie with BFF with her Momma. 😘

I think we are going to COSI tomorrow… haven’t decided. I’ll ask her in the morning. I have a feeling her answer will be yes. 🤷‍♀️

She has become quite a bit better with dance, she is in dance lessons every week.

We went to art camp at the local museum. We couldn’t do all of the days (not saying why, but you can take a guess… 🤦‍♀️) but they days we did go were quite entertaining.

We go see Mammaw and Pappaw to bug them quite often 😘 My parents are such good grandparents and I know for a fact (at least) Alyssa loves having them as grandparents very much.

We go to church on Sunday morning. We go a little early to have a snack in the HeBrews cafe. Alyssa has fruit and hard-boiled eggies 🥚 and I have… coffee ☕️. You guessed it.

We have been continuing to work on sign-language and I’m very proud of how well she is doing.

I love being her mother and I LOVE LOVE LOVE the 4 glorious days a week I get with her. I can’t wait to start our new plan next week where I will have her 4 days uninterrupted every other week with her!!! My heart is so full every moment she is in my life! When I’m not with her, my heart is happy, because I know that I am her “1 mom“. I ask her who her momma is and she taps on my torso and says “momma! ☝️one momma.”

I will never forget 2 dates: May 2, 2016 at 1:10am (her birth) and April 4, 2018 at 11:24am (the first day of her new life)!

So our routine:

Before her dada comes to pick her up

  • She gets a bathie (with colors and bubbles, of course)
  • She gets all primped with her Orange Blossom Honey lotion and puts on her jammies
  • We eat dinner or a snack (normally involving eggies or noodles, her 2 favorite foods
  • We sing our song, 1000 oceans (she ‘knows’ all of the words and sings along 😍)
  • We go outside to swing and read our book, If You Were My Bunny (unless it’s too rainy for an umbrella and we have to come inside😭)
  • When dada comes, I say, “I love you!” She says, “I love you, more!” I reply, “I love you, most!” She replies, “I love you, more-mostest!” as they are leaving. She didn’t today, I’m assuming because her dad’s girlfriend was there and she feels the tension her and I have. Unfortunately, I don’t see the tension leaving the scene anytime soon, but I have no control over it and the person that does refuses to hold anyone other than me accountable. 🙄

So in conclusion, I’m so lucky that God used me to create His gift to the world: Alyssa Copelynn.

Thanks for reading! Come again, soon!!

Don’t follow your heart…

I have heard and felt many times “I just don’t know what to believe”. What I have realized is, your mind/heart can be deceptive and circumventing.

I know mine can be.

I have seen many people put on a faultless illusion of their intentions, and I have been guilty in the past, especially before I started seeing a psychologist that put so much into perspective. I have been told, “I just want things to get better!” and my past blog Actions speak louder than words, I discussed that when everything is said and done, there is almost always more said than done.

1 Actions speak louder than words

2 Practice what you preach

3 Don’t say one thing and do another

I made the comment about my ex-husband in my past blog that bothered a couple people. I’m sorry and I respect that it bothered you, but please respect how it was viewed to me.

I feel very strongly that it was fake for him to sit by my side and moments later turn deceptively calamitous toward me.

Yes, I am very hurt by what transpired after he rejected me, but I did not deserve the evil things he has done to me. I do not deserve how his mom has treated me. They have constructed lie after lie in an effort to make me miserable. They are failing. I continue to pray for them, as they are blinded by their behavior.

I stand firm that some of the people from my past are very atrocious in their behavior, and I’m not sure if they even acknowledge how calamitous their behavior is. I have no interest in ever speaking to (a majority) of them again.

Actions show much more of a personal commitment than words do.

Nonchalant words contradict merited action. With actions, it shows that you have actually altered your behavior/put forth effort to make something happen coinciding with the objective of your words.

I’m so tired of living in the past!

I shared a friend’s post on book of face the other day, and wrote this:

Why do people put on facades?

  • Avoid judgment
  • Gain acceptance

What is the end game of people who put on a facade?

The end game of deception is recognition of a lie in one whom you thought to be truthful.   This isn’t putting your best foot forward to create an initially positive first impression.

Facades can become deeper and more complex as time goes on. 

Its contingent upon how insecure or emotionally imbalanced someone is. A person who has self respect/a feeling of self worth won’t feel the need to incorporate any level of facade, as they are genuinely interested in the person they are getting to know, rather than the audacious focus on how they are coming across.

Energy attracts similar energy.

What you put out, comes back to you.  If you put out a duplicitous energy, that is what others will give back to you. 🔄

Ultimately, it is the law of karma that is the end game.💯

Why does society reward those who suppress their true selves to put on a perfect facade while we all hate fake people and having to be fake ourselves?🤔Because we live in a feel good society. We’re much more concerned about a quick fix instead of a temporary solution.

We want it here- we want it now.

Society is like this because

1) people are lazy. 💤

2) if you’re born into a specific behavior, you are raised in that behavior, and therefore that behavior becomes the only reality you know➡️ so it’s very hard for the later generations to make changes. 😩

  • It is first accepted.
  • Then is is adopted.
  • As it fosters with time, people become familiarize with it.
  • Then it becomes normal.

So in conclusion, make wise decisions, and follow your gut instinct. Your mind and heart can be deceptive.

I’m awake and I’m alive

Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.

Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.

I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.

The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.

When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”

“It’s April, there is no snow.”

“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”

The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.

“When can I go home?”

“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”

“Why can’t I walk?”

“You may never walk again.”

“What happened to my baby?”

“I’m sorry, you lost him.”

I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.

I wanted a family.

I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.

Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.

Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.

There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.

Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.

I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,

Give it your best shot!

You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯

A Costly Distraction, part 1

Rebuilding a Life, part 2

Taking Control, part 3