Falling-up

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: the decade+ I spent in a fake religion.

I have been attending a church for about half of a year, and it has showed me how different faith is from religion.

The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.

Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.

The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.

The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Hypocrisy:

Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance

JUDGING A PERSON DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.

It defines who you are.

So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. 😊 I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.

Thanks for stopping by! 😘😘😘

Don’t follow your heart…

I have heard and felt many times “I just don’t know what to believe”. What I have realized is, your mind/heart can be deceptive and circumventing.

I know mine can be.

I have seen many people put on a faultless illusion of their intentions, and I have been guilty in the past, especially before I started seeing a psychologist that put so much into perspective. I have been told, “I just want things to get better!” and my past blog Actions speak louder than words, I discussed that when everything is said and done, there is almost always more said than done.

1 Actions speak louder than words

2 Practice what you preach

3 Don’t say one thing and do another

I made the comment about my ex-husband in my past blog that bothered a couple people. I’m sorry and I respect that it bothered you, but please respect how it was viewed to me.

I feel very strongly that it was fake for him to sit by my side and moments later turn deceptively calamitous toward me.

Yes, I am very hurt by what transpired after he rejected me, but I did not deserve the evil things he has done to me. I do not deserve how his mom has treated me. They have constructed lie after lie in an effort to make me miserable. They are failing. I continue to pray for them, as they are blinded by their behavior.

I stand firm that some of the people from my past are very atrocious in their behavior, and I’m not sure if they even acknowledge how calamitous their behavior is. I have no interest in ever speaking to (a majority) of them again.

Actions show much more of a personal commitment than words do.

Nonchalant words contradict merited action. With actions, it shows that you have actually altered your behavior/put forth effort to make something happen coinciding with the objective of your words.

I’m so tired of living in the past!

I shared a friend’s post on book of face the other day, and wrote this:

Why do people put on facades?

  • Avoid judgment
  • Gain acceptance

What is the end game of people who put on a facade?

The end game of deception is recognition of a lie in one whom you thought to be truthful.   This isn’t putting your best foot forward to create an initially positive first impression.

Facades can become deeper and more complex as time goes on. 

Its contingent upon how insecure or emotionally imbalanced someone is. A person who has self respect/a feeling of self worth won’t feel the need to incorporate any level of facade, as they are genuinely interested in the person they are getting to know, rather than the audacious focus on how they are coming across.

Energy attracts similar energy.

What you put out, comes back to you.  If you put out a duplicitous energy, that is what others will give back to you. 🔄

Ultimately, it is the law of karma that is the end game.💯

Why does society reward those who suppress their true selves to put on a perfect facade while we all hate fake people and having to be fake ourselves?🤔Because we live in a feel good society. We’re much more concerned about a quick fix instead of a temporary solution.

We want it here- we want it now.

Society is like this because

1) people are lazy. 💤

2) if you’re born into a specific behavior, you are raised in that behavior, and therefore that behavior becomes the only reality you know➡️ so it’s very hard for the later generations to make changes. 😩

  • It is first accepted.
  • Then is is adopted.
  • As it fosters with time, people become familiarize with it.
  • Then it becomes normal.

So in conclusion, make wise decisions, and follow your gut instinct. Your mind and heart can be deceptive.

I’m awake and I’m alive

Tomorrow, I’m celebrating 3 years of being alive, not necessarily awake.

Three years ago, I was the assistant to the director of psychology at an inpatient facility. I absolutely loved my job. I was the office manager and clinical coordinator, just to name a few tasks I completed on a daily basis.

I was heading to work on a snowy day, around 10 am the wind pushed my car in front of another car. I was 17 weeks pregnant, so the seatbelt was very uncomfortable and I wasn’t wearing it.

The accident propelled my body across the car and I sheared my spine when my head slammed into the passenger window of my Chrysler Town and Country, suffering a Traumatic Brain Injury. I spent the next 2 months in a coma. The MRI’s showed minimal brain activity, so it wasn’t looking good for me to live, my condo was sold during that time.

When I woke up, it was astounding. The first words I asked on April 10, 2015 were, “where is the snow?”

“It’s April, there is no snow.”

“No, it’s February. What’s going on?”

The days to follow were difficult for my little mind to process.

“When can I go home?”

“You can’t go home. It is being sold.”

“When can I go back to work?”

“The company you worked for sold, and is closed.”

“Why can’t I walk?”

“You may never walk again.”

“What happened to my baby?”

“I’m sorry, you lost him.”

I tried so hard to stay positive, but depression was controlling my soul. I felt as though I had lost everything over a 2 month timeframe. I wanted a home, a career, to walk, my material possessions I had lost, including my van, and a happy family. I hadn’t started seeing a psychologist yet, so in retrospect, borderline personality disorder was influencing a majority of my decisions.

I wanted a family.

I started messaging a guy I had a few conversations with 15 years prior, within 4 months he moved from Texas back to Ohio with the intention of giving me the family I was pleading for.

Around that time, I started seeing a neuropsychologist for my depression, et al.

Three weeks after the guy’s return, I found out I was pregnant. We, unfortunately, desired different things in life, and therapy was making that very clear to me. I really didn’t and don’t know him. That is reciprocal. My unborn daughter was all I had, I had been alienated from my older daughters because of lies. I’m at peace because I know the lies will be brought to light. I listened to her heartbeat on a Doppler every night, I sang to her, I loved her.

There are so many people that put their hatred of me over my daughters best interests. I can’t control their hatred and disrespect, I can only handle my actions and reactions. I’ve made mistakes, yes. Given my last couple of years, who wouldn’t?! I’m learning from my mistakes and making an effort to be peaceful.

Its been a journey since that day, and with the grace of God, the love and encouragement of my daughters, the love and support of my parents, a few close friends, and a handful of great friends, I’ve become a substantial woman.

I’ve battled the last couple of years to become the strong woman I am today. If you think you can take me down after all that I’ve already been through,

Give it your best shot!

You will not succeed. I love my daughters very much and they know that. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12💯

A Costly Distraction, part 1

Rebuilding a Life, part 2

Taking Control, part 3

To Venus and Back ↩️

I posted to my social media account my observance of my strength. The last couple of weeks have been emotionally stressful. I am now to the point where I am calm, collected, peaceful, etc. I am very happy and very content despite the troubled adversaries I’m forced to converge with.

When only one party is making an effort to be respectful and cooperative, it can be difficult. I look at this intricate time as a test, and I’m quite confident in saying that I will do quite well, namely in the 4 weeks to come.

A close friend of mine has been encouraging me to take a few moments to myself and relax. I’m consistently advising you acquaintances to celebrate you and look for positivity, but rarely do I take the time to advise you “proactively”. By advising you, I am suggesting you do (something).

YOU.

Sometimes it’s good to say ME.

Today’s agenda:

I offered a friend some money for helping me with a project. I had sold some items that weren’t important to me and saved up some money. She declined. I had told a close friend about it and he advised I use it in some time of relaxation technique. I politely declined because I’m not selfish. 🙄😂

I spend quite a bit of time video chatting with a gentleman-friend. Last night, I was complaining of my forehead dimple. I had never noticed it before, but I guess when you get to be old like me, you have wrinkles pop out of nowhere. 🤷‍♀️

I immediately decided that I needed to have a microdermabrasion. I spent the remainder of our video chat session researching where I wanted to get my microdermabrasion. I knew I wanted it mechanically, I’ve had them manually and I wasn’t impressed.

Well, I woke up this morning and decided for the first time in YEARS, I deserved a spa day to reward me for all I have went through on the journey to today.

I made an appointment at one of my favorite local spas where I received a very relaxing facial that included machine microdermabrasion. Wow. It had been YEARS since I had a spa day, and it was beyond relaxing. What a blessing in disguise, they were running a special today only! 🎉 I was able to share my story and self-improvement bloggery concept with not only my aesthetician, Kim, and a couple others. That made my heart happy. 💜 I told them about my 5.3, 4.8 and 4.4lb purposes ending it with they have shown me that I am my purpose. 🙏

I took myself to the mall and purchased a couple AE shirts that were on sale. I sauntered and hastily took my time, because I deserve it.

I felt led to call a close friend I had been worried about, while I stopped for an afternoon latte. God had placed her on my heart. She lives an hour or so away, and so unselfishly volunteered to help me with an upcoming project, but I know her life is demanding. As I was talking to her, I felt as though I, personally, needed to hear it.

Here are the things I told her:

  • Let it out: yes, confide in a trusted ally. If you don’t, you will burst. I have a couple friends that I trust and are there for me, and this bloggery is also a release-portal.

  • Be forgiving: of yourself, of others, of everyone.

  • Don’t sweat the small stuff. As simple as that.

  • Breathe. In/out/repeat. Which leads me to…

  • Treat yourself to a mini-vacation. Even if it’s to McDonald’s for an hour to drink a cup of coffee and work on your Star Chef (app) cafe, or Bermuda for a week. It’s the same if you breathe and evaluate your sabbaticals

  • Treat yourself to a Prince (RIP #ArtistFormallyKnownAs🥂) shirt

Everyone knows no Stephanie day would be complete without a stop at a local thrift store. 😂 My day got even more awesome as I purchased cd’s (5 for$1) to play in Pipsqueak’s karaoke machine. I picked out 10 great cds for karaoke time and background music, but 2 caught my attention rapidly.

A local band that will ever have a legacy (Marbles for Eyes, Matthew Busybee Smith). I have their CD, but I couldn’t pass it up.

To Venus and Back, Tori Amos, Atlantic/1999- I bought it for 1,000 Oceans, but belted it in my vanaoke-session on the way home. The lyrics put my day into perspective… relaxation calms the spirit. I need to take care of my soul.

It clicked after I reflected on my day with a close friend:

The moral of the story is:

STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES! 🙂

And check out To Venus and Back. It’s a great album that contains Alyssa and I’s song 1000 Oceans, and another good song, Concertina(you’re the fiercest calm I’ve been in)

Ok, Mike, Mariah, and Jordan, next up… meditation… promise.

My Rock 💜

I’ve had a rough couple years… as my previous blogs have declared, I’ve made mistakes, and i accept responsibility for them. Have people in my life made them? It doesn’t matter. Have people in my life caused them? It doesn’t matter. What matters is I’m learning and growing. I have a great support system that I can depend on, and I’m super thankful.

Originally, I had planned to blog about the sermon I heard on Sunday, however, I feel led to blog about much more.

When my daughters are not with me, I miss them, dearly. I love them more than they will ever know. I love their beautiful personalities that shine through their talents. All 3 of my daughters are granted with the same artistic talents, but they each have such individual strengths.

I love my oldest daughters artistic nature… She can draw her emotion with a stroke of her hand. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.

My second born has a freaking BEAUTIFUL voice. When I hear her sing, whether it’s Ariana Grande or Shawn Mendez, she brings tears to my eyes. It’s a beautiful talent, and I’m impressed by her skill.

Lily as Elsa

Lily loves her Mommy 👩‍👧

Who says? 🤷‍♀️👩‍❤️‍👩

Of course 1 of Emma 💃

And Pipsqueak 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧

CAReoke with Emma and Lily😍

My youngest has such a big heart, for only being 20 months old. Her heart shows through her smile and her laugh. When I want a hug, she runs to me and squeezes me tight. I have a feeling my 5lb purpose is slightly powerful over me because I basically was crying to my best friend that I couldn’t get a toy I had bought for her to work at 3am yesterday. I think I’m going to exhaust myself by planning to apprehend her smile.

Not spending every minute with them is difficult. I try to find things to occupy my time so I don’t become overwhelmed with sadness.

So the sermon I previously mentioned was quite intense. It was the first time I had visited this particular church on a Sunday, and I was called by God to hear this message…

acts 15

The whole chapter is awesome, but namely verses 18-21:

18 “Known to God from eternity are all His works. 19 Therefore I judge that we should not trouble those from among the Gentiles who are turning to God, 20 but that we write to them to abstain from things polluted by idols, from sexual immorality, from things strangled, and from blood. 21 For Moses has had throughout many generations those who preach him in every city, being read in the synagogues every Sabbath.”

So basically… it’s easy to judge others, especially people you feel are inferior to you.

Stop it.

John 8:7

7 So when they continued asking Him, He raised Himself up and said to them, “He who is without sin among you, let him throw a stone at her first.”

3 drifts that need to be avoided:

  1. Cliques: they’re everywhere. Let’s face it… if someone doesn’t agree with you, they must be wrong. 🙄 *rolls eyes*
  2. Toward law and away from grace: in the fore-mentioned scripture, Acts 15, it basically pointed out that a whole lot of judging was going on between people serving the same God. We are a very diverse nation, and sitting around judging people for how they choose to believe (or not believe)- ‘law’ is contradictory to the comportment that almost all beliefs/religions propel… I have been barraged for wearing a controversial pentacle necklace (see comments for the past blog If it means a lot to you). Whomever commented was more concerned with the stereotypical impression of what 5-sided shape could possibly represent, that she missed the point of the blog… don’t judgeisn’t it ironic? Don’t ya think?
  3. Preserving instead of advancing: 2 Corinthians 5 clears that drift. Whether you believe in the Bible or not, this is a good point: the idiom ‘live and learn’ rings strong in this scripture. See ‘Drift #2’… don’t miss the point. We live. We learn. As Superchic(k) once said, “we live, we learn. We forgive, and never give up because the days we are given are gifts…”

There isn’t much structure in my life or my daughters’ lives, but thankfully there is structure of faith. Alyssa loves to sing about ‘baby jesus’ and the fact that she has faith as a structure makes my heart happy, so I burned a Hillsong United cd for her to sing to in her karaoke machine next time she comes home. I included one of my favorite songs, 10,000 reasons. Irregardless of the details of your faith and/or opinion, we can all agree that respect is very significant essential.

Let’s learn to co-exist for our children. Let’s set good examples of respect and train them in the way that they should go, and when they are old, they will not depart from it.

I’m willing to try, are you?

Boundaries

Something that therapy has taught me these last couple years is that I have had struggles with boundaries and have determined I’m a codependent person. I know I have a big heart, but I let that cloud my rational thinking.

I was talking to a dear friend the other day, and she mentioned she has been helping a friend out that is going through some challenges, and I offered the advice of setting boundaries in an effort to challenge her friend regarding the struggles that she needs to overcome.

Over the last 2 years, I have been going through challenges myself and I have depended on close friends that I’ve confided in to help me make positive boundaries. Not only do I have the luxury of intensive psychology sessions, but I have the luxury of good, rational friends to help keep me on track. As difficult as my journey is and has been, I’m very thankful and proud of the woman I’m becoming and have become. I’m going to share with you some things that I have learned and am learning.

Types of Boundaries:

▪ Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.

▪ Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?

▪ Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.

▪ Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.

▪ Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.

▪ Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

The hard part:

It’s hard for codependents to set boundaries because:

1 Their self-esteem is minimal/nonexistent

2 They are not in touch with their self-identity

3 They put others’ needs and feelings above their own

4 They believe setting boundaries would jeopardize the relationship

5 They never learned to have healthy boundaries in their past


In the past 6 months, I have taken these steps while learning how to establish my boundaries:

  • Baby steps: I set smaller boundaries like minimizing text messages and calling. There are a handful of people that will call me a liar (one of which is my attorney😂), then I progressed to keeping my phone away when I was with another person. I’m not perfect, but I’m making an effort.
  • Follow through: When I feel that someone is crossing my boundary, I assertively communicate it. If I’m crossing a boundary or feel I’m at risk of crossing a boundary, I will separate myself from the situation.
  • Hire a marketing director: I’m going to cite my marketing directors in this article. It’s my best-friend and my best-friend-in-law 😂😂😂. I’m so appreciative that they are always a phone call away to give me sound, rational advice. Sometimes they have to be the bad guys, but I trust them with my life and I know that whenever I’m in a bind, they have my back. Mikriah, I have your backs if and when you ever need me. 💯 I love you guys. 💜
  • Love you and Celebrate you: writing this blog has really helped me to not only discuss my faults, but acknowledge my strengths. I’m learning how to amalgamate those antonyms.
  • Drake said it best, “I like a woman with a future and a past.” I reflected on my recent environment and guys that i have dated. For the most part, I felt they needed me to help them take care of their kids and/or them, for 10 years I was a submissive housewife, dated a guy that had a sick perversion of what submission was, quite a few relationships with men that I wrongfully held higher than myself because, well, i didn’t think highly of myself. I’m having a hard time finding someone that I’m willing to put effort into getting to know because I’m dating myself. For the first time in my life, I willingly took myself out to lunch at a nice restaurant. Aside from relationships, I don’t feel I was surrounding myself with much optimism. It felt good, because I’m worth it. Also, look at your history: how were you raised? Were your friends and family codependent? Did you learn it honestly? In my case, my parents weren’t because my parents are the best team I have ever seen. They are perfect partners.
  • I reflect over the situation: What don’t I like about this? Am I over-stepping a boundary? Do I have control over it? If I don’t, why am I wasting my time thinking about it?
  • Permanent Boundary ‘Hall-pass’ : Sometimes I feel/felt if I held a boundary, I would hurt their feelings/I would feel guilty. I give myself permission to create boundaries and I give myself permission to respect those boundaries, and I prohibit myself from feeling overwhelming guilt because of those boundarial observations. (Sometimes I make up words).
  • I have become annoyed with beating around the bush. I like directivity. Yes, Jordan. This is the comment about you. If my coffee tastes like crap, don’t tell me it tastes ok. I don’t care if yo momma said never say a woman’s cooking is bad, coffee is not a light subject. I don’t want to hear what you think I want to hear, I want the truth. Yes, even from you, Cassi 💜
  • You can tuna fish… but you can’t tune a piano… haha. 2 emotions that cue a boundary crossage for me are discomfort and resentment. If I’m feeling like a 6-10 on either of those emotions, I need to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Resentment usually comes from being taken advantage of or not appreciated. Discomfort normally is a result of a boundary violation.
  • I established my limits. It was hard for me to create boundaries when I was unsure of my limits. I often take a brief moment in a situation to think of it with a wise-mind, a rational-mind, and a smart-mind.

Boundaries are important to me and I’m thankful that I’m learning how to observe them.

Thank you for visiting and stop back soon!


Psych Central. (2016). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/.

Wikipedia (2018). Retrieved January 25, 2018, from https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Michael Curtis, Editor-in-chief, Lead IT Consultant, Personal film critic/journalist, 2018

Mariah Stasik, Marketing Director, Lead Stylist, Head Witch, 2018


16 more years of this? Please, for the love of God, make an effort to show respect and be rational.

🌈We’re not that different after all⭐️

In my path of learning how to deal with my personality and emotions, I have learned how routinely respect myself and others. I have such an appreciation for my friends, it’s not that I haven’t had such wonderful friends in my past, I haven’t looked at our differences and/or similarities as meticulously as I am now.

As cliche as it is to say, a majority of women have comparable predicaments. I was talking with a dear friend last night about bloggery, amongst other projects, and I was able to give advice and encouragement to her, and I needed to hear that myself.

The same struggles she was dealing with are very similar to the ones I feel, and I’m not sure if she realized that by talking about them, she brought up some very explanatory matters that I had never thought of.

That, my friends, is a form of altruism. By sharing her struggles with me, it caused me to be able to relate and offer support. That support was a refresher course to me.I needed that. By sharing her struggles with me, she helped me grow.

After realizing we also have obstinate personalities in common, I laughed.

We’re not that different after all.

Women, as a whole.

I have a muse and a musess that I address when I feel the need to partake in bloggery, and the suggestion was to discuss (sporadic) vloggery. That opened an interesting, informative conversation, so much I didn’t know or hadn’t heard about.

Don’t live in fear that you’re “just not good enough” or “people are making fun of you”. Who cares? <If blogging inspires you, do it!>

Don’t throw stones from glass houses…

if you have flaws, and guess what: I know you do, don’t humiliate or attack someone on social media because you don’t like them. I heard I was recently called a ‘mess‘ by someone I don’t think highly of and don’t have a whole lot of respect for, that’s throwing stones from a glass house. All I can say is I hope she makes peaceful, positive changes for the worlds sake.

Think outside the box:

How are they different? Is there a reason why they are? Can you relate in any way? More often than not, you can find ways to understand others that you may be inclined to judge or feel sorry for. Like the car that cut you off: maybe they are stressed; maybe they have an ill child/friend/family member; maybe they did it selfishly… who knows, who cares. Let it go. You don’t know, and you get no benefit from wasting energy on it.

So the moral of the story is:

  • Appreciate differences
  • Respect differences
  • Embrace differences