Message to Pam

*due to cyber stalking/bullying, comments have been deleted and commenting has been turned off.

I’m not allowed to have feelings or be hurt, because that’s “narcissistic”? Or because you don’t like to read it. I drive by their house because despite their evil nature, they are not as easy to throw away as I am. I don’t need reminded of mistakes I have made. I remember them. I’m not blaming “everyone else”, I’m blaming everyone including myself. So I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re no better than you think I am. 🙂 it’s like judge hooper said, before you identify faults in others, first look at yourself and your own actions.

The guy that you’re referring to as Noah’s dad is nothing more than a dear friend. Denise, Erica, and my mother accused me of sleeping with him, and that’s really screwed up. He, his wife, and his younger girl are more family to me than those others have ever been. You don’t think highly of me? Well I’m identified and transparent. You’re ‘anonymous’. There are a lot of people I don’t like, perhaps 1,000s haha. I do know you’re either associated with Tim, Brad, or my parents. Almost everyone associated with them is on my “dislike” list.

*Drop mic

Im posting this here only because I have no way to contact her.

If I were really that much of a burden, why didn’t you give me away? Drop me off at a church door or put me up for adoption? I have ALWAYS been a problem to both of you and now I’m researching ways to be adopted, as an adult. My attorney said that there’s no legal way for me to ensure who will get Noah, if heaven forbid something happens to me. Neither of you want anything to do with Noah as long as I’m alive. I am in therapy for the problems I have with you guys, and something uncovered was dad giving you credit for anytime you guys helped me, it makes sense now, I never believed it, but he was telling the truth. I thought he was trying to alter my opinion that you didn’t like me. You may have ‘loved’ me, but he doesn’t. I’m coming to terms with that now. I had recently decided my childhood was a lie, but it wasn’t— I just tried to pretend it was a happy childhood. Tj was right- it was a messed up childhood, and that led to a fake marriage of 10 years, trying to escape that fictional memories that I was trying to make factual. 

I don’t hate you guys. Dad, constantly, yelling at me for crying because I missed my daughters was REALLY screwed up. I offered him a chance to meet Noah a couple times, and Tuesday was my final attempt. I saw joshs wife, whatever her name is, pointing and laughing at me with Stacia, I believe it was, at your Easter party. I needed to see that, because it’s confirmation I’m not part of you guys family anymore, and that’s ok. I’m doing well on my own. 

You can make all of the assumptions of me that you’d like, but I really have no interest in processing your thoughts toward me. Like you, I have a lot of negative feelings. I put those aside so that Noah could meet his grandparents, and I’m proud of myself for trying. We will never be a family again, and I’ve accepted that. It won’t take away the hurt or confusion, but I’m at peace and for the first time in my life (this past 8 months) I have been not just happy to, very happy to be alive. I admit I’m not perfect. I’m not the monster you guys try to convince me I am. 
I’m thankful for everything you ever did to try to help me, but every nice thing you ever did for me, increased your… disappointment… hatred… disgust! That’s the word. Every nice thing you ever did put a brick in your wall of disgust, in front of me, and it was a weight that I couldn’t and can’t bear. 
I really don’t expect you to read this, you probably have my email blocked, but it was nice to get my feelings out. I saw you guys are having a yard sale, I’m sure some of my things are in it, but I’m not going to stop by because I don’t want to argue, I don’t want to fight, and I don’t want to be reminded that I’m worthless to the woman that gave birth to me. Thank you for teaching me how to be a better mother than I have been, the hard way. Alyssa and Noah get a better mother from my tears.

Sent from my iPhone

2 thoughts on “Message to Pam

  1. Stephanie I think that this blog is one of the best things that you continue to do. Whereas it’s impossible for me or anyone I think for that matter, to really be able to comment in just words at the emotion and tears, at the same time it also helps in ways that cannot be described in words. I don’t know if it is due to me being a ‘new’ parent or what not but I feel like that one of the greatest blessings that we receive from God is the joy of our kids. At the same time of kids being a blessing of course comes much responsibility. Now as I say this I’m Not at any time passing any kind of judgement nor will I do so. I humbly know my place. That being said, it does sadden me beyond words just how it might be possible for a parent to disown his or her own child and cut them off. My parents have chosen to do the same thing with me unfortunately. I cannot remember the last time I’ve managed to be in contact. It was definitely before my first deployment. I received a few words of wisdom from my dad when I was about to ship off and then have never heard from him again. What can you do? Not really anything. You just have to learn to accept what is and make peace. The Lord did state that life here on this earth wasn’t going to be easy but boy, had we known just how difficult we might not have chosen to accept our roles and responsibilities.
    You have a very handsome and gorgeous little Noah, who with such a cutie and adorable big sister like Alyssa, and you as their proud mamma, they will grow up to do many great things. Might not be able to see all that now but in time. Always remember to hold your head up and to hold it up very high. In all reality life isn’t and never was meant to be that difficult but it is through the many mistakes that we as humans have made and sometimes continue to make, is what brings the difficulties. But through it all, the important thing is to learn and become wiser and if we are doing that then we are making progress and that is what really counts. All this hatred and bitterness in the world, who has time to harbor and hold on to all that? By choosing to hold on to it instead of letting by gones be by gones, one is only hurting his or herself simply by choosing to be soo caught up in things that are of no importance. At the same time while being soo caught up, failing to realize the many blessings that the Lord God has given and are often times right there in front staring straight at us.
    Thank you for this blog. Always know that you are an truly amazing and a true inspiration. And Then Some

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