Walk to Emmaus part 1

I’m currently enjoying my time Walking to Emmaus, so I will make this short.

God has spoke to me about some pretty important things this weekend.

Wednesday night I was absolutely crushed because it hit me that my oldest daughters and my parents do not want me in their lives, or to be in my life. I take responsibility that I have made mistakes, I have not been perfect. I also place blame on my ex husband, Tim Latier, for provoking, defaming, and encouraging hatred toward me because of mistakes I am taking blame for (mind you he is not taking any responsibility for any of the things he has done to irreparably damage me).

I came here Thursday afternoon burdened with a broken heart.

  • Since that time, God has spoke to me. I haven’t done everything He has spoken, but it has given me direction.
  • I’m 33 weeks pregnant and in a quite a bit of discomfort.

  • Stop complaining. There are women that pray to get an opportunity to carry a baby, despite the pain it causes. I am completely blessed with a very healthy and active baby that God is forming in my body. Stop complaining.
  • My older daughters don’t want me in their lives.

  • Perhaps someday they will, there is nothing I can do to change their interest in having the mother that was devoted to them for most of their lives, in their life. Appreciate the daughter I have the ability to raise and have an AMAZING relationship with. I enjoy every moment with her, like it’s a gift from God. Oh wait… IT IS!
  • Most of my family, including my parents, want nothing to do with me because of the custody drama and defamation with and from my ex-husband.

  • While Walking to Emmaus, I have embraced and learned how many people God has brought into my life. Stacy and Mike have showed Alyssa and I love that I have NEVER felt from a majority of my family.
  • Patti has become such a positive role model and friend.
  • Mikey, Mariah, Jessica, Stephanie, Bethany, the list goes on. I have SO MANY PEOPLE that love me, I’m beyond blessed. I would rather have a handful of people that love my heart and soul, than I would a dozen-or-so blood relatives that are nice to me on holidays. This evening, I was surprised by hundreds of people that were praying for the group I was with, and 4 specific people from the church i am a member of/friends that were praying for me, individually. Brought tears to my eyes.
  • God also told me to forgive Tim. I will work on it. After I prayed and asked God to remove the hatred I had for him, I returned to my seat and talked with the woman beside me, stating I felt calloused- like it really didn’t impact my emotion to know I was burdened by such a severe hatred of that guy, and right then, the band started playing one of my baby girl’s FAVORITE songs, Name. I burst into tears. That little girl is my heart and soul, she ministers to me in everything she says and does. Back to that lesson from God, CHERISH HER instead of missing my older daughters.

    Thank you, God, for speaking to me.

    Thanks for stopping by! More later… stay tuned for part 2 🙂

    My daughters part 2

    I’m so incredibly hurt that Tim Latier and his family has done nothing but try to eliminate me from my daughters lives. I was told today that he was the one that suggested they talk to the judge… i know that’s because he is fairly confident they will tell the judge they aren’t interested in having me in their lives. That is such a severe knife in my back. I miss the girls quite a bit, but I’m mentally preparing myself to not be their mother anymore. I feel like a step mom to them… I’m out of their lives and he replaces me with his girlfriends. I’m not sure how someone could be so evil to a mother. I’m slowly eliminating them out of my house. I have boxes of their crafts and school papers that I’m going to throw away because as I lie here sobbing, they are just thorns of the life that Tim Latier has taken from me.

    My daughters

    I don’t know if this is how my daughters feel, or they really don’t want me in their lives. I feel like if they wanted me in their lives, they would fight for me to be in it. I may not have been the best mom, but I tried my damned hardest. I took them out to breakfast, took them to events, to the zoo, played games with them, cooked fun meals with them, and I haven’t had a relationship with them in 4 years. I certainly hope they haven’t thrown me away so easily and so quickly. At least I have my youngest and her brother, on the way. I really wanted my daughters to be part of this pregnancy, but I’m not even sure he will meet his sisters.

    Gone Girl

    I accidentally started watching a movie the other day that holds a lot of negative connotations.

    I mentioned it a year or so ago, because a girl in my youngest daughter and I’s life is just as deceitful (not necessarily as intelligent or calculated) as the main character. I made the mistake of mentioning it on Facebook and she reciprocated, accusing me of being that same character. I was pretty irresponsible for even posting the anonymous insight, she was beyond immature for retaliating it was me.

    She has done nothing but attempt to make my life miserable for going on 4 years…

    Deep down in my soul, I want revenge for the years she has encouraged my youngest’s dad to take from me, and slander my reputation, below her self-sabotaged reputation.

    Revenge… I will get to that…

    As I was watching that disturbed movie, I had a new realization. For those of you who haven’t seen Gone Girl, here is a synopsis I get from it: they are a happily married couple with normal complications in their marriage. They look like a “picture perfect” couple, have a great social life, many common interests and hobbies… until he cheats on her with an underage apprentice. She breaks. It destroys her personality.

    Unlike her, I didn’t strive to destroy him. I let him sleep on the couch in my apartment (with our daughters) while our divorce was pending. I single-handedly provided for our family while he used government pity to obtain a college degree. Once our divorce approached judgment, I did not even request child support because he was in no position to be able to provide it.

    We remained close when he wasn’t directed by his mom to make my life miserable. I had many, many opportunities to achieve revenge on him, but didn’t. He drank vodka like water and popped pills he bought from his employees, heck he was even dating a significantly-younger employee. When he made the false-accusation of me attempting to murder him, which wasn’t true at all, I did start to reveal his skeletons. He obviously had a problem of sexual lust with teenage girls, so I brought that to the cupcake factory he worked for’s, attention. He was released and didn’t accept responsibility for his past sins, he blamed me for bringing it up. To this day, I have YET to see or hear him accept responsibility for his mistakes. All he has done is try to destroy me. My daughters have deleted me from their life because he allows them to do whatever they want and buys them whatever they want. He also gets around $500 a month of my disability for them. I NEVER GOT A FREAKING PENNY OF HELP FROM HIM. I now drive a Honda Odyssey that’s older than my oldest, while he drives a fancy-schmancy yuppie Acura. Need I add he’s suing me for attorney fees related to our legal disputes regarding our daughters? Yeah, put your head around that one.

    In the movie Gone Girl, I’m jealous of her cold, apathetic approach to her (ex)husband. I wish I could be that evil, I’m not (despite Margaret accusing me of being so). I was so nice to him after the hell he put me through (most of my adult life), unapologetically. He destroyed my view on love, life, family, happiness, et al.

    And I was so regrettably nice to him.

    If I were to have the chance to do it all over again, would I do things differently? Definitely. With the knowledge I have of dialectical behavior therapy, I would create more strict boundaries. I wouldn’t have made those minimal attempts at revenge that were pennies in comparison to the millions of dollars of hell he has served me over the last 19 years I have known him.

    Revenge has been on my mind. Could I pay people to lie, like he did? Say they asked him to murder me? Yes, I could. But unlike him, I have a conscience and I’m a decent person. Revenge has been on my mind constantly.

    Today, God had a talk with me at church. The sermon was:

    Yep. I am.

    Sermon notes: see below

    I need to work hard to forgive Maggie, Brad, Tim, and their circles

    Lord, I ask that You show them the error of their ways, as You have showed me and are showing me the errors of my ways. I release the pretension I have toward those people with the faith You are in control of their thoughts and actions, past and present. Amen

    Thanks for stopping by and come again soon.

    Sermon notes:

    What are You Thinking? Stuck in the Past

    ==========

    How is your thought life?

    2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

    ———————

    Pretension

    ———————

    When our mind lives in the past, it forms patterns and habits of behavior today.

    ———————

    Don’t think of revenge on Tim

    Mom being a rough mom has made me a better mom.

    ———————

    Romans 12:2 NIV Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

    Some new habits of thinking:

    ———————

    Train your mind to obey

    ———————

    1. Form a habit of forgiving.

    ———————

    Make it a second nature

    ———————

    Ephesians 4:22-24, 32 NIV You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self… 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

    Forgive yourself.

    ———————

    Let that thing go… set your mind free

    If God can forgive you, you can certainly forgive yourself

    ———————

    1 John 1:9 NIV If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

    2. Form a habit of empowerment.

    2 Timothy 1:7 NIV 2 Timothy 1:7 NIV For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

    3. Form a habit of focusing forward.

    ———————

    Form a habit of forgiving

    Learn from your past

    Right on red: focus on the future, if they turn, not in the past thinking they are going to turn

    ———————

    Philippians 3:12-14 NIV …I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me… 13 …Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

    Action Steps:

    1. Bring something or someone from your past to the cross, and let them go.

    2. Step out in faith, do that thing you’ve hesitated to do.