Needs to be said

So my oldest daughter asked me if I ever loved her dad. Well, let me start from the beginning. I was a 17-year old server he, as a manager, took into the office and seduced, and later introduced me to marijuana before taking my virginity. I later found out he was married. He was pretty dependent on drugs and alcohol (which he would give to our Yorkshire terrier, Lucy, that ended her life). I was leaving him when he got me pregnant, with our oldest. I started attending the ‘church’ that I previously mentioned, New Hope, which told me that unless I got married, I was going to burn in Hell, so being a scared 20 year-old afraid of going to hell, I married him. I will never forget crying to my sister-in-law-to-be the morning of the wedding saying that I didn’t want to. It was summed up as premarital jitters, but I honestly despised him and his family. Over the course of time, we became “best friends”, never lovers, and lived a happy life as such, or so I had thought, until he was terminated from his job as general manager of Denny’s Diner due to being sexually inappropriate with underage servers. Imagine that. We remained friends, as if nothing had changed, until my accident. He had sat by my side EVERY DAY while I was in a coma, and when I had somewhat recovered, I was very depressed and wanted a family, again. He didn’t want to leave his 22(?) year old (previous employee) girlfriend and I didn’t take the rejection well. He then filed for custody of my older daughters, which outside of a month or so, I had residential custody of.

I get to see them 1 hour a week, and they have pretty much sided with their dad on all of the turmoil we have been through. I am gradually accepting they don’t want me in their life.

What bothers me, is my youngest, which is no relation to him, gets to spend so much time with him and his mother. They both HATE ME and that’s not an environment I want my daughter in. She talks about the two of them, more than her dad and his girlfriend. I’m thankful she gets to spend so much time with her sisters, but it’s probably confusing to her as to why she rarely sees us together. I regret ever going on a date with him. Everything I acquired since I have met him, is gone. He has taken my oldest daughters from me, he has shattered every good memory, all I can do is try to forget the hell he has put me through since the day we met. The good memories are going out, as well. I will never “forget” my older 2 daughters, but I’m learning to live without them. It’s not fair, but I’m creating a new life with new memories with my daughter and the child I’m expecting.

I answered my daughter by reiterating that when I was depressed after my wreck, I was post-diagnosed with a personality disorder, one I had unknowingly most of my life, that caused me to try to create what i wanted in life: marriage will give me eternal salvation, I can make a family with a guy and kids, etc. No. the woman I am after being released from therapy realizes I never loved him. In fact, I couldn’t stand him. I actually filed for divorce 3 times before I actually followed through, but my personality disorder told me not to think about those thoughts and pursue the “happy family” mentality. I actually had to become engaged to another guy to divorce him because I was mentally weak and was focused on “guy/girl/kids/dog=family”.

I will always love my older daughters, but I have to respect they side with their dad. They don’t need a mom, because their dad and grandma fill my shoes. They don’t want me in their life, or they could make it happen. I was told they told the judge they don’t want me in their life.

There are 3 sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth. Unfortunately, their dad and their grandmother are gasoline to the fire of my destruction…. but they are christians. Interesting.

Falling-up

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I have posted. I have been very busy with the love of my life, Alyssa. We have so much fun together and I find ways to educate her while I’m playing with her.

Something has been on my mind quite a bit lately: the decade+ I spent in a fake religion.

I have been attending a church for about half of a year, and it has showed me how different faith is from religion.

The church I attended for most of my adulthood, New Hope Full Gospel, had me brainwashed into what I thought was faith. I’m not, necessarily, blaming them, I’m blaming myself for allowing that to happen. There are things now that have showed me that I was materialistic as I was attending there.

Example: they had a series about how secular music will cause your soul to go to hell, so we had to burn everything secular-music related to be approved by the congregation. In Numbers 22 God used a donkey to speak to His child, so why can’t He use a series of musical notes to speak to me? Irregardless of the spiritual faith of the composer, which I don’t necessarily know, if I feel a connection to Him, how is that not spiritually fulfilling and enriching my life? Instead of trying to research, assume, and judge the faith of particular musicians, maybe I should focus on mistakes I have made recently and how to repair them, if possible. Maybe I should try to hear what he is saying to me.

The disappointment from that church I attended for almost 2 decades put a negative connotation on my faith, I’m embarrassed to say. It’s not just my ex-husband and his family/friends, but even the pastor and his family. I found out that because he is friends with my ex-husbands old attorney, he blocked me on Facebook. It’s irrelevant that I went to him asking for spiritual help, he was friendly with me/prayed with me, and then started drama with his friend.

The church I am attending now has been doing a series on things that drive us crazy.

This drives me absolutely crazy. ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

Hypocrisy:

Uneducated judgment: aka ignorance

JUDGING A PERSON DOES NOT DEFINE WHO THEY ARE.

It defines who you are.

So in conclusion, thank you to my past family (church or not) for judging me and dismissing me. I love you all and wish you the best, and will not bother you with my presence. 😊 I have a great amount of friends that love me and people depend on since you have “picked your side”, or whatever.

Thanks for stopping by! 😘😘😘