Maturity starts when drama ends 💯

I really don’t understand how someone can be so unhappy and unsatisfied with their own life that they have to create drama to become noticed. If you’re reading this and feel the need to post something on social media stating you’re offended, I’m writing about you.

Arguing just to argue is bullying, it’s simply you demanding your point to be heard and not being open to listen and learn from others. 

‘Cluster B’ personality disorders:

They are characterized by dramatic, over-emotional, or unpredictable (erratic) thinking or behavior. The Cluster B personality disorders are also the most common of the personality disorders described in DSM-5.

There are 4 types of ‘cluster B’ personalities:

  1. Antisocial
  2. Borderline
  3. Narcissistic
  4. Histrionic

I know quite a bit about Borderline Personality Disorder and have been diagnosed with it. I have found DBT (as previously mentioned) to be a very helpful- it has been a miracle to me. As far as overly-dramatic personalities, it appears they line up with Narcissistic and Histrionics Personality Disorder, actually, without the right coping mechanisms, they can all be overly-dramatic.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

An inflated sense of self-importance is the key feature of narcissistic personality disorder. People with narcissistic personality disorder often believe that they’re “special,” more important than other people, and entitled to special treatment. They require excessive attention, take advantage of others, lack empathy, and are described by others as arrogant. People with narcissistic personality disorder also exaggerate their achievements and fantasize about being powerful, attractive, and successful. ***They have no interest in others’ feelings and needs, but they do have unreasonable expectations of what others should do for them. Sometimes they envy others, but they often believe that they are envied.

Histrionic Personality Disorder:

The central features of histrionic personality disorder are intense, dramatic expressions of emotion that shift rapidly and excessive, attention-seeking behavior. ***People with histrionic personality disorder constantly seek out attention and are uncomfortable when others are receiving it. They may often engage in dramatic, seductive, or sexually provocative behavior or use their physical appearance to draw attention to themselves. ***Additional features of people with histrionic personality disorder include:

  • Relationships that are not as strong as the person thinks they are
  • Shallow, rapidly shifting emotions
  • Strong, dramatic statements of opinion
  • The tendency to be easily influenced by others

Constant drama is not only emotionally draining to the person creating it, but to anyone associated with the person.

Signs that you are dealing with a highly dramatic person:

  • The person has the capacity to make the smallest issues into a major event.
  • The person usually dominates every conversation.
  • When the person does withdraw, they do it in a very attention grabbing way that manages to focus all energy toward them.
  • They seem to always be on stage or putting on a performance.
  • They find it easier to see the negative than the positive.
  • They have a way of speaking to people that creates tension.

Most importantly, don’t get caught up in the drama. Take a step back so you can see things clearly.

Borderline Personality Disorder:

BPD is associated with specific problems in interpersonal relationships, self-image, emotions, behaviors, and thinking. People with BPD tend to have unstable, intense relationships with conflict, many arguments, and frequent break-ups. They fear being abandoned. They often have a negative image of themselves, and they report many “ups and downs” in how they feel about themselves. They may say they feel as if they’re on an emotional roller coaster with very quick shifts in mood, such as going from feeling okay to feeling depressed within a few minutes. ***People with BPD often engage in risky behaviors, such as going on shopping sprees, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol or abusing drugs, engaging in promiscuous sex,binge eating, or self-harming (for example, cutting themselves or threatening or attempting suicide).

Antisocial Personality Disorder:

According to DSM-5, antisocial personality disorder is a “pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in early childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood.” ***People with antisocial personality disorder have been described as lacking empathy, which is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” in order to understand their feelings. ***They often act irresponsibly, lie, steal, or repeatedly break the law. Antisocial personality disorder is also linked to impulsive behavior, aggression (such as repeated physical assaults), disregard for one’s own or others’ safety, irresponsible behavior, and lack of remorse.

Sources:

Kristalyn Salters-Pedneault, PhD | Reviewed by Steven Gans, MD. “What You Should Know About the Cluster B Personality Disorders.” Verywell, http://www.verywell.com/the-cluster-b-personality-disorders-425429.

Chapman, Alexander L. “Dialectical Behavior Therapy: Current Indications and Unique Elements.” Psychiatry (Edgmont), Matrix Medical Communications, Sept. 2006, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2963469/.

Patience is not simply waiting…

I said it before… but patience is not simply waiting, it’s how you behave while you are waiting. Throughout my life, I have worn myself out by hastily pushing ahead, trying to do achieve results in my own way at my own time. Within the 34th anniversary on this earth, I have learned that when I cease and humble myself, admitting that I have no strength without Him, the Lord sustains me with both emotional and spiritual energy. There is no earthly explanation for what my Creator is willing and able to do in a yielded human being. Therapy has helped me quite a bit in learning the art of patience, amongst many other admonitions. Today, I was researching RIE parenting, which I have researched many times throughout my journey of motherhood. Within the last year, I have learned respect more than I ever could have, which is one of the core benefits of RIE parenting. Acknowledging emotion and showing respect are the 2 biggest concepts of RIE parenting.

Recently, I have been harassed by people that think know me, and 2 things they are failing to accept is: my broken heart/emotion, and failing to show respect. Unfortunately, that is causing damage to my daughters, which proves to me they are negative influences on my daughters, which they fail to accept. Blaming others for your own faults, I have personally learned, is unhealthy. I have stated many times that I am aware I have made mistakes and look forward to growing and learning from them every day. I truly hope that others learn that instead of blaming and looking for fault in other persons, it is ok to say,

“I made a mistake and I’m going to make an increased effort to not do it anymore.” •Stephanie Tilley

Here are some other helpful quotes about strength:

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. •Mahatma Gandhi

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. •Arnold Schwarzenegger

You never know how strong you are… until being strong is the only choice you have. •Cayla Mills

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. •Eleanor Roosevelt

Nothing is more beautiful than the smile that has struggled through the tears. •Demi Lovato

I’ve had a great couple of days with 2 very dear people in my life. They are helping me to stay rational and stay positive as I struggle to improve myself.

I got a belated birthday card from my Grandma Tilley with love and prayers, which brightened my day.

I am proud to say that for the first time in my life, I’m happy, and it’s because I’m accepting responsibility for my poor choices and growing stronger. I am worth the new Northface jacket✔️, an upgraded Keurig coffee maker✔️, and most-importantly, self-respect✔️.I am going shopping with a very dear friend in the morning to research veganism and purchase items to resume crocheting. 💜

OK Computer

As we discussed the other day, I’m learning how to stay strong and more positive everyday. I’m learning, with the help of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that there are 2 mindsets:

  1. Rational mind
  2. Emotional mind

With DBT, I’m learning to instinctively create a ‘wise mind’. It appears that people that don’t like me are, and have been, trying to provoke emotional responses out of me. Wise mind has given me the peace to not ‘look’ for said provocations. When friends warn me of provocations, I kindly respond that it bothers me (emotional mind), but I’d rather not know unless is a threat to my life or my daughters lives (rational mind). The result is me praying, privately at home, for peace to come over them and dominate their souls (wise mind).

What I’m learning is that by not forcing things, the truth reveals itself in time.

Another thing that I’m doing is blogging. I’ve been encouraged by my therapist to write a journal, but I’ve had a hard time doing it. I’m keeping a journal for my youngest daughter, Alyssa, for her to read someday. It talks about my love for her and things I do for her, like changing clothes out of her drawers when she changes sizes (she has more clothes than i do!), or I meet with a friend for information about the Facebook breastfeeding support group she was the inspiration for… 5lb Purpose. When she was born, she was my 5-pound 3-ounce wake-up call, but she has taught me so much in the 18 months she has been on this planet, heck, she started 8 months before she took her first breath. I tell her that, regularly, while I’m journaling. She has taught me that even though I think being a mother is my purpose, I am my purpose. I don’t write anything negative about her father and his girlfriend because I respect that they are in her life and I hope someday they will learn to respect my place in her life, too. I wish we could just put the fighting aside and focus on Pipsqueak’s happiness. I have lost so much time with her, but I am being rewarded with hope that things will not always be this way and a few months in comparison to eternity with her is not hard at all when you look at it with hope. Thank you for reading and visit again soon 💜This is what you get when you mess with us ✌️

Browns repetitive losing streak attributed to not having enough likes on Facebook 👍

Social media can be an great way to share positive information and keep up with events with our friends and family, but it should not replace our personal relationships. It can often portray a deceitful perception of the factual content and needs to have a more-modest role in our lives.

We impact people the most through personal interaction, not social media. When we see tragic events on Facebook or Twitter, we need to recognize that those are real people that need serious help. People are not going to be sustained through likes and clicks on social media if they are in need.

Your identity lives in how you handle your life and personally effect others, not in who you create online/in how many likes you get. Social media can make all posts look the same causing difficulty for our minds to demarcate trivial events from crucial.

So imagine if you saw a video of a mother praying over a house, and the caption read, “oh my gosh, this girl is psycho, she’s such a bad mother”, but the mother was praying to her Creator for peace and protection for her daughter, you wouldn’t know the difference because social media desensitizes perception and only gives limited opinions, not necessarily factual truth.

In conclusion, society has been reared on this unfortunate effect. Brutal & perverse violence, defamation, slander, hatred, jealousy, (I could go on listing negative nouns, but you get the point) actions are being tolerated at high levels in society. After reading this, if you agree, post this blog on your Facebook and encourage peace and happiness.

It’s a beautiful day because you are alive. Enjoy it. 💜

I want the browns to be my pallbearers… so they can let me down one last time.

But they will probably screw that up too. 🤦‍♀️

🦃Thanksgiving is over, tomorrow is Valentine’s day 💞

It seems like we make this big meal, do all the prep and clean up, just to turn around and get Christmas going. There isn’t enough time to enjoy each holiday because it’s one right after another, and it makes the end of the year go by so fast!

No one really knows why our perception of time speeds up as we get older. It’s an interesting concept because as we age, many things slow down: our metabolism, our heart rate, our patience, our breathing… a lot of that has to do with our gradual alteration of biological clock. Children’s biological pacemakers operate more quickly, which means that those things I mentioned before all operate more quickly in a fixed period of time, which gives the impression more time has passed. When I was younger, I felt like once thanksgiving was over, it was practically 6 months until Christmas.

Another thing that could be a possible explanation is how we perceive past time effects the amount of new information we absorb. With lots of new evocations, our brains take longer to process the information… The periods of time feel longer leading to the “slow motion perception”, often reported in the moments before an casualty. The unfamiliar circumstances mean there is so much new information to take in.

A perfect example of this is the turtle. Turtle spirit animal symbolizes longevity and immortality in many mythologies around the world. This may be due to the fact that turtle always looks old with her wrinkly, dry skin and monotonous movement. Even freshly hatched out of the egg, she appears elderly. The association with longevity could also be due to the fact that turtles live for an exceedingly long time, the oldest known tortoise passed away in 2006 being 250 years old, another recently died 171 years. Science is backing what mythology already supports. Researchers have found that the entrails of turtles do not age, which is a astounding in the animal kingdom.

Link that to humans: turtles have a constant velocity, or lack there of, and as humans increase in duration, it goes from one extreme to another.

All the new adventures result in lots of new memories. When we look back at them, there are so many to go through, that it feels as if we were away for centuries.

Alternatively, when we are at home or work and going about our familiar habits (career, household activities) it’s less stimulating and fewer memories are laid down.

We feel that time is flying by because our customary days seem to take decades but are actually passing us by very quickly.

Most memories are compiled between age 15 and 25, when we experience lots of ‘firsts’ in love, work and life. As we grow older and our lives start to follow set patterns, we have fewer new experiences.

The firsts live on forever.

⭐️💜Thankful for my Creator 💜⭐️

God reminds how wonderful He is and makes me a better person. Giving myself to Him was the best thing I have ever done. He doesn’t control my actions, but He guides me to make the most positive choices I truly can. There have been periods in the past couple years where I questioned my faith, but since I was a 4 year old walking across the road to church by myself, God has been calling in on my heart, He has not left me.

Throughout my life, I have explored other churches and other faiths. I finally found what I thought was “home“, and I studied there for 15 years. I truly felt connected to the pastor. Unfortunately, due to hostility and legal drama, I’m not able to return. I’m so thankful he met with me recently and prayed with me, that shows how amazing our Creator is. He puts people in our life in a time and season that is best.

I had the opportunity to meet with 2 very intelligent people today that are such an encouragement toward me to stay strong. I have so many people that my Lord has placed in my life with the sole purpose of reminding me that there is goodness in the world. My family is hundreds of miles away, and I’m going to be spending Thanksgiving with a true inspiration for how you can stay positive despite the negativity in the world. This particular person has done some inspirational things in the past couple of years:

  • Overcame death
  • Accepted responsibility for mistakes she has made
  • Studied therapeutic coping mechanisms for stressors in her life
  • Learned that despite negativity that pursues her, she does have good qualities that she can celebrate (see previous blogs Celebrate you and Celebrate you 2)
  • Realized she is a creation of Almighty God, and is not a mistake, like she is told.

If you haven’t guessed, I am spending Thanksgiving with myself… Stephanie Rea Tilley. I’m content enjoying the day in my beautiful home that I’m blessed with. I overcame death when I survived a car wreck that put me into a coma. I’ve accepted responsibility for the mistakes I’ve made, including and instead of: blaming others, and I’ve sought out various forms of help. Through the help and therapy I’ve received, I’ve learned and am still learning coping strategies for the stressors in my life and continue to take extensive steps toward moving forward. I’m finding positivity in daily life and have realized as long as I have God, there will always be that positivity, light, and love.

I’m trying to share what I have learned (as a mother/and in therapy) in my breastfeeding support group on Facebook, and on these blogs.

In the words of the notable Self-affirmation specialist, Stuart Smalley: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me.” 😉

I’m going to end on 2 notes:

  1. Happy thanksgiving!!🦃🍁🍽
  2. Praise the Lord! Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His steadfast love endures forever! -Psalm 106:1

Cherish your family time💜

It’s approaching the end of the fall season, which is my favorite time of year. I love the cool-crisp air, bonfires, chili, leaves changing, so much more. It’s so pretty.

Growing up, we had a majority of our family events at my grandmother’s, and I have a lot of very fond memories. We always had salads before dinner, and that included homemade Italian dressing. My Cousins and I would bring our baby dolls and play with them in the spare bedroom. Grandma always had a coca-cola cookie jar filled with cookies. This is the time of year when we would go over and make homemade cookies. My favorite was raisin-filled. Mmm mmmm. On New Years, we would go over for ham, cabbage, and potato soup. During the summer, we would have many cookouts over there and swim in her pool. Easter included an eggstra-special Easter egg hunt. Most importantly, she always had Coca-Cola, the only soda worth drinking.

This is just a small portion of the beautiful memories I have from my Gramma Mac’s home, growing up. It has slowed down as we have got older and acquired different families. Since she has passed, it has ended. Even though I don’t talk to my family much (outside of my parents), I will forever hold the happy memories. 💜

I’m hanging in there💜

I’m trying so hard to stay positive. Because of the CONSTANT attacks and accusations that my daughters’ father’s friends, family, and, well anyone within 10 miles of their hateful attitudes, I spend a lot of time at home, by myself.

I BEGGED for help from everyone I possibly could, and their prior attorney filed a restraining order for ‘emotional distress’. You really want to know about emotional distress? Try:

  • almost dying in a car wreck
  • waking up without purpose
  • getting everything (including your daughters, church family) taken from you (because of your depression)
  • getting pregnant then cheated on with a recovering alcoholic
  • finding purpose then…
  • fighting tooth and nail to see your newborn for an hour
  • getting defaced and slandered by a drug addict and alcoholic
  • Plus much more

I’m in the best place, mentally, I have been in, in years, but their constant manipulation is hurting my daughters… and me.

Someday, I will have the opportunity to explain to them that I love them so very much and I will never stop/never have stopped trying to show them that.

Unfortunately, what we are paying in legal fees probably could have sent each of them to Harvard.

This is a legal ‘pissing match’, excuse my French, and I’m not giving up anytime soon. I will sell the shirt off my back to fight for 1 hour with my daughters. I’m so thankful I have an attorney that believes in me and is willing to fight for me, no matter what. I’m thankful for him, my parents, and my friends that have stood by my side and are encouraging me to stay strong.

Mommy loves you, Pipsqueak 💜

While I was pregnant, I listened to Alyssa’s heartbeat every night.

I purchased a Doppler to do so.

I talked to her, sang to her.

She was ripped away when she was 2 days old.

I haven’t seen her in over 2 months because her dad doesn’t have use for me, as we only dated 2 months and he didn’t attend any appointment I invited him to.

For 9 months I listened to her, talked to her, went to Mount Carmel East 2-3 times a week, begged her dad to be part of the pregnancy, invited him to appointments that he had no interest in attending, planned on giving her the best life I possibly could. Now I’m sitting alone, drinking rum on ice wondering why my daughters’ fathers do not respect me as a mother. Parental alienation is an act of violence aimed at an adult, but critically wounds a child. I have not been found unfit, and it’s embarrassing to have adults in my daughters’ lives spreading “assumed knowledge”/slander that embarrasses my daughters, ultimately. I was told that Maggie, Alyssa’s stepmom, posted something evil about me and people that I have never even met asked why I couldn’t just take a hint and accept defeat. You know why I can’t? Because for 9 months, I listened to her, talked to her, went to Mount Carmel 2-3 times a week every week, and gave birth to her.

Mommy loves you, Pipsqueak, and Mommy can’t wait to hold you really soon!

If it means a lot to you🤙

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It’s one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it’s another to think that yours is the only path.” -Paulo Coelho

You and I, we judge others. Unfortunately, others judge us too. We all do it. Sometimes we judge with positive/non-harmful intentions.

Almost always our judgment often comes from a negative place, with darker intent.

Why Do We Judge?

Though we judge for many reasons, we often do it when:

• We don’t know them

• We don’t understand them

• We see the person as a threat

When we judge for the first reason, we are basically looking for the most simple way to cluster the thoughts that are presented to our minds. When we judge for the second and third reasons, we often are overwhelmed with negative emotions and thoughts toward others, which causes stinging and prejudiced failure because we don’t understand them, or (perhaps erroneously) see them as a threat.

Despite our best efforts, we all judge others. It might be over small things, like a co-worker who took too long of a lunch break. Or it might be over bigger issues, such as a person who behaves selfishly or hurts our feelings.

Imagine you are walking through the woods and you see a small dog. It looks cute and friendly. You approach and move to pet the dog. Suddenly it snarls and tries to bite you. The dog no longer seems cute and you feel fear and possibly anger. Then, as the wind blows, the leaves on the ground are carried away and you see the dog has one of its legs caught in a trap. Now, you feel compassion for the dog. You know it became aggressive because it is in pain and is suffering. -Tara Brach [psychologist/meditation teacher]

What Can We Do About It?

Celebrate you: when you’re happy with yourself, you’re less critical of others.

I’ve become aware that when I judge, it’s because I feel threatened. Now that I’ve identified that, I step back and ask myself whether my judgments are true.

  • Example: jealousy is a prejudicial judgment: If you feel like someone is more attractive than you, they are not necessarily conceited.

In my opinion, judging others is inevitable. It’s how we are wired as humans. We just have to learn how to control our judgment so that it’s not socially harmful.

Our judgments mostly have to do with us, not the people we judge, and the same is true when others judge us.

In most cases, we judge others in order to feel better about ourselves, because we are lacking self-acceptance and self-love.

If we could learn to embrace ourselves as we truly are, would we still be so judgmental toward others? Most likely not. We would no longer need a reason to put someone else down just to raise ourselves up.

This is only one of the many reasons why self-love is so important and powerful. If we could all learn to love ourselves, we would make our world a much more compassionate and much less judgmental place.

The moral of the story is that as I traverse though life and encounter many people, I have learned that my actions and the actions of those around me, have created many different perceptions of the events that have been linked to me. I could choose to continue to participate in the negative activities/reinforce negative views and travel further down the rabbit hole/continue to let chaos dominate my life, however we need to stop and realize that there is more to life than getting caught up in the riff-raff and bad juju that are the motivating factors in some people’s lives. The actions that I carry forth effect not just myself, but my children. Regardless of what has happened in the past, and the consequences of those actions, I need to demonstrate that good can come from evil, and that anybody can overcome negativity and bad judgement. 👌